To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

Exactly .

Sitting with your child to play is perfectly fine - we all did it. But we tidied up together after each activity, encouraged tidyness and keeping sets of toys together. Everywhere does not need to be full of toys all the time.

He's not anal etc he just doesn't like stepping on Lego and having an untidy house all the time, when OP is at home all day but doesn't seem to tidy up or encourage DD to tidy up, so DD is throwing pencils around, playing up at bedtime and throwing things out of the bath. I'd object to that lot and I am not especially bothered about an absolutely tidy house.

He sounds like a pain in the arse making passive aggressive comments, but equally, if you're at home with one child and have a cleaner coming twice a week it's not hard to keep the place reasonably tidy. I'd be pretty peed off if I was coming home to a mess every day. But everyone is different when it comes to expectations of tidiness at home. You both need to compromise.

This exactly!

Really? 🙄

You are both being unreasonable

He needs to tolerate some toys out while she's playing

You need to teach her to put things away as she's finishing.

Children do have to be taught to tidy their things from a young age. She's not too young to learn, at this age you just make tidy up time part of the game.

DH used to just help tidy up, no whinging apart form the odd “she trashed this room eh.”I hate the mess of having a small child, I struggled more with it tbh,weaning was hell for me. I actually got a cleaner in 5 days a week at that point because I just really struggle with mess (childhood issues and OCD). but I tried not to make it an issue just “theres a mess, I need you to help tidy up please”. It’s important that she’s taught to tidy up after herself now.

We always did storytime in our bed with nothing else, if she’s not looking at the book it’s not storytime, choose a shorter book. If she’s messing around with something else she’s not engaging with the book and theres no point.

We were strict about throwing things in the bath, she could splash the walls or the screen but not people. I don’t think theres anything wrong with that,

I think you just have different parenting styles and need to find a compromise.

I can't stand mess and we have a small house. Son (3) is repeatedly reminded he can only have one big toy out at once. If he wants the Duplo out then the train set needs to go back into the box for example.

I don't see an issue with your DH not wanting her to get more toys out right before bed time or during reading time. That would annoy me too.

Either dinner will burn whilst I'm running after her tidying toys / encouraging her to tidy or there will be toys scattered

Cooking doesn't involve continously stirring a pot. Don't you ever do meals where you just pop a tray of chicken/veg in the oven, or leave a sauce simmering on a low heat, or a pan of veg steaming gently?

I hate this notion that a parent looking after a child can't do anything else & thus its acceptable for house to be a tip, nothing washed etc. Just bring your toddler in the kitchen & give her colouring or play do in the high chair while you cook. You don't have to let her turn the house into a bombsite every night at 5pm.

So you husband works all day, comes home and has to clean up and when trying to get 2yo to act age appropriate (by tidying, drinking carefully etc) you have an issue. Honestly it sounds like you do nothing all day and expect him to do it. In my opinion if he works you maintain the hosue and in the evenings you share parenting duties

I can't imagine not having most things tidied away by 7

Do you keep her up to eat with your husband or has she already had tea?

We didn't get toys out after as it was winding down time then bath

We always did storytime in our bed with nothing else, if she’s not looking at the book it’s not storytime, choose a shorter book. If she’s messing around with something else she’s not engaging with the book and theres no point.
We were strict about throwing things in the bath, she could splash the walls or the screen but not people. I don’t think theres anything wrong with that

This - the point of the bedtime stories is the child listens to them?

If my kids stopped paying attention i used to stop reading. I found they then came back over noticing I'd stopped & i explained they needed to listen if they wanted a story. Its part of helping them develop their attention span. choose shorter stories at first with flaps or finger puppets etc to help them engage.

Oh here we go...

Personally as a woman, I don’t want to come home from a days work to toys all over the place, if I were cooking dinner I would have encouraged a tidy up before hand then have a puzzle /Lego or drawing out that they can do at the table while dinner is being made. I wouldnt have the house a mess for dh coming home or leave it until after dinner was made.

neither of you are right or wrong but here needs to be a place in the middle that you both meet over parenting or the next 16 years are going to be hellish.

i don’t like mess, dh would encourage all toys out. However I would read numerous books before bedtime and dh would only ready one. We realised quickly that we both have to compromised when parenting together.

I think it’s reasonable to expect a two year old to start learning that water and toys stay in the bath and that you can find a Lego piece or pencil without literally dumping the entire container out. Yes, she’s going to spill drinks etc but that doesn’t mean you just smile indulgently - telling her to watch for her cup is a perfectly reasonable thing.

You have one child and a twice weekly cleaner - I don’t think tidying toys actually is Daddy’s job, you and your daughter should be tidying as you go. Different if you were stuck under a cluster feeding newborn, but it’s actually quite possible to get stuff done while looking after one toddler.

You said your dream was to be a SAHM - is it working out as you hoped?
Pretty sure PP is aware the cleaner is not full time, I’d hazard that almost no one has a full time cleaner! Twice a week is a a lot of outside help IMO.

I'm telling you this very seriously - you have a significant problem here. He is failing badly as a father.

He is also failing badly as a husband. He is doing damage to his relationship with you. He needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.

And fwiw, he has forgotten that your family has contributed financially or otherwise to your standard of living, and he has forgotten that you saved to enable you to be a sahm during these important years. His words and behaviour are that of the poor put-upon hard-working breadwinner who has to put up with lazy hangers on whose only function in his life is to frustrate him and bleed him dry financially. Diddums...

Do you think he would go to marriage counseling? I think he needs to realise he's treading on thin ice here (you need to make him aware of how fast you're losing respect and affectionate feelings toward him) and your willingness to make allowances for his very poor attitude is at a very low ebb.

Is there anyone in the wider family who could take him aside and tell him what a twat he is?

He needs a complete reset of his attitude toward you, toward himself and his Billy Big Bollocks job, and toward his little daughter.

Are you for real?
She wants to play with a toddler all day and he's failing?!
Being a sahm with a twice weekly cleaner and family support and unable to keep a tidy house is crazy imo

There is nothing age appropriate about the expectation of a two year old drinking carefully or tidying toys. Absolutely nothing.

A great many people here need to give their heads a massive wobble, and then go and look up basic elements of child development.

I have a degree in early years and in every nursery I've worked in and seen 2 year olds are tidying up, drinking from a plastic glass, using cutlery, generally being taught how to do things. Treating your 2 year old lime they're 6 months old isn't going to help them

I've got a 3yo and can't stand everything out everywhere. Don't get me wrong, he can have more than one thing out at once but not everything littered all over the place. When it gets silly, we stop and tidy away. When he decides he wants his colours out we tidy the living room toys away before going to the kitchen to get colours and colouring books out on the table. Before bed, he helps tidy up etc.

Bedtime story - if she's distracted and wanting other things during it, change it up - shorter story, picture book to make up your own story etc.

It sounds like he needs to chill a bit more, yes, but also sounds like you could be going a bit more too

Yes to this.

OP, you're getting a hard time here because there are many MNers who think sahms are the scum of the earth and they should greet their Important Breadwinner every evening in heels, makeup done, not a toy or a child in sight, three course meal all set and ready to go, and then put on his slippers for him, fetch his pipe, and ask him how his Important Day went, while never burdening him with any silly little womanly problems of her own. Not sure why, maybe jealousy, maybe just nasty people.

I would have him go to a Messy Play session with her! Seriously. And have a childcare professional explain the concept of it.
He really needs to let these things go, he needs to hear it from you and from other people also.
“Creating mess is an important part of a child’s development, so tidiness has to take a back seat for a few years. Sorry love.”

Well with 1 child and a cleaner there's no reason that the house shouldn't be reasonably tidy in the evening.