To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

What is he paying for that I'm not?

That’s all because you and your husband have let it come to that . Daughter wants you because you always come to the defence , and husband gets frustrated because he feels inadequate .You both need to work on this . She’s a child . Two grown adults can surely set this up calmly and smoothly.

Your DH has boundaries with her and you don't. You play good cop, he's bad cop.
What happens when she cries?

@Bearbookagainandagain he's welcome to teach her. I would, however, never allow him to talk to her like that. Obviously it's far from ideal that he speaks to her rudely but at the very least it I call it out she will understand it's not acceptable rather then internalise that this is the way she deserves to be spoken to.

So you call this out in front of.your DD? Of course she doesn't listen to him! You constantly undermine him which is quite rude in itself.

Parenting Books, marriage counselling, parenting courses etc he wouldn't do because he's "above that" (not his actual words but the general sentiment of "urgh I don't need a parenting book, you think you're an expert because you've googled '2 year old milestones"? etc)

Separate. She doesn't colour the bedtime books but at other times of the day she will colour (a colouring book) and tips her pencils out. During bedtime she may get out a second book and ask to change or get one, change her mind, get a second etc

@Josette77 when she cries I try to reason with her "I know you'd like a chocolate but we're about to have dinner, so yes it's disappointing but we can't at the moment" or "did you want the scooter? Well it's that boy's scooter not yours and he's using it so you can't have it. Shall we bring yours to the park tomorrow?"
Vs husband "Quiet!! It's not your scooter" or "I said 'no' to the chocolate, stop whining"

@Josette77 ah my apologies. I should just let him belittle my daughter, maybe even back him up

So when he says "come on, just CLOSE YOUR EYES! Close them! Or I'm leaving!" "I know you want mum but she isn't here!! Stop!! No!!" to his 2 year old and she then starts to cry, the OP is rude for stopping him speaking to her like that and making her cry?

He has no patience and is talking aggressively to his toddler daughter and you think his behviour is fine and OP is in the wrong?

He sounds horrible.

If you think he has ocd why or you complaining? Just ignore him as much as possible and talk him down when you can’t.

If that's the case you need to talk to each other, because your 2 year old is manipulating you both in order to get what she wants and you need to nip this in the bud before it's a 16 year old doing this. Your DH has made good points and so have many others, but you seem unable to move from the idea it's ok to run a house for the sole benefit of a 2 year old - which is what you are doing. Talk now - it's easier to teach new habits to a 2 year old than deal with a stroppy teenager who has grown up knowing she can manipulate her parents and that at least on of them thinks she is entitled to do as she pleases. Fix it now.

Why are you with him if he’s so awful?

I’m not going to be popular for saying this, but I’ll say it anyway. You’re over reacting. It’s okay for a kid to be gently chided for being messy by one parent, and the opposite from the other. They’ll learn boundaries and expectations are different with different people. There’s nothing wrong with that. As a child, I knew I couldn’t behave at school the way I did at home, or when visiting elderly relatives. Your daughter will not learn this at two, but there’s actually no harm in what he’s saying - how else is she going to learn to put the pencils back in the pot? She won’t accomplish this any time soon, but learning to be tidy isn’t something that kids suddenly wake up knowing one day.

You home is not messy at all - it’s exactly the way it should be with a two year old. Mine is nearly two and I just about manage to feed him and keep him clean and entertained, so I don’t know how you’re managing to make dinner too, so hats off to you!

Your daughter has messy fun time with mum, and that’s brilliant. She’s not being made to toe the line all the time, and to be honest, your partner’s comments aren’t forcing her to toe the line either.

if you think he’s going a bit far at times, tell him and remind him that not only is she 2, but this is just a short term thing, he’ll miss these days when they are gone.

Many other posters her need to calm down. As soon as a woman makes even a small complaint about a partner, the MN typical response seems to be to leave/ divorce/ etc. - Jeeze, all your partners must be soulless, robots, or aging labradoodles.

You should not contradict him in front of your DD. That undermines him. You wouldn't like it if he did it to you, I guess?

@SouthLondonMum22 that's what I'm starting to wonder too

Oh heaven forfend that a man have to learn how to parent a two year old in an age appropriate manner. The authority of the raging male must always be respected.

MN is nuts on the subject of parental authority to be an unreasonable asshole being respected. The “two year old is manipulating you” by being frightened of screaming OCD daddy is an absolute gem. By all means let the guy who thinks there is nothing to be learned about child development rage at the two year old to “respect mah authorituh” and shut her eyes.

Its not like OP just knows how to parent authoritatively and in an age appropriate manner. She put herself out to learn. He can too bit he chooses not to because shouting and ordering is his preferred mode. That absolutely should not be respected.

I haven’t read the full thread, but I think it’s more about the language used by your DH. He seems to be approaching everything negatively. If he just changed this into more positive language, it would be fine. Modelling the behaviour you want to see, and making tidying up into a little game with lots of praise is better than moaning about the mess. Encouraging listening to the bedtime story by making it engaging for you DD, and not having pencils and things like that within reach during bed time would eliminate the spilling pencils out etc in the first place. Creating a routine to encourage healthy sleep and the end of ‘play time’ is good. Look up ‘tidy up time’ songs on YouTube, to get into a routine of tidying up before dinner time, or if it works better for you after dinner time with your DH joining in as well, knowing you all will get the desired result you want! You will be happy knowing DD isn’t constantly hearing negativity, and your DH will know the routine and have a tidy home (which he has to realise involves him as well, and isn’t all on you!) maybe you can look at the layout of your living room / playroom / where the toys are etc, and have a play about with it all. It can be better to have toys out in rotation rather than have access to every single thing. Maybe always have access to some pencils and paper, books, and then have whatever your DD is interested in… sort of like how a nursery would do a set up of toys. Some things they can freely access at any time, and other things that are set out daily and then put away and changed around. I’m rambling… but hope this makes sense! Encourage your DH to read up on child development and what to expect at each stage. You could do this together, even a quick google or Facebook search would be a start. You’re a team and maybe he is a moany controlling prick or maybe he’s just on a different page to you, and you can work together for a more positive outcome. Neither of you are ‘wrong’ in your expectations , in my opinion , but it’s just turning those negatives into positives so your DD is hearing praise and encouragement as she learns all these new skills.

This is deeply concerning. He is clearly out of his depth and yet he thinks he knows better than parenting experts?

This 'good cop - bad cop' dynamic is only going to get worse until BOTH of you reflect and consider, REALLY consider, what is at stake here.

You are both in desperate need of marriage counselling and parenting classes. Not because either one of you is 'wrong', but because you are pulling in different directions. You need to get on the same page....... as a matter of urgency.

And please don't get pregnant until these issues have been addressed and resolved.

All I hear is excuse, excuses, excuses why do you feel only what you think is right applies. Maybe you could get dinner ready earlier and that way it would be tidy for when he gets home and the stress of him walking into that would not be there. You have a cleaner in twice a week so there really is no excuse, if you know he likes a clean/tidy home why not keep it that way. I couldn't stand mess either and I worked in a stressful environment and when I used to get home the last thing I wanted to see was toys everywhere, every weekend I ended up tidying up in the end i told her we were done. Don't make out you're always the prize, men love the women they are with but will only tolerate so much disrespect and women love misery that's why they always give bad advice.

It's quite depressing really how low the bar is for men.

I'm wondering why this poster is getting a hard time for getting her husband to put toys in a box and pencil crayons away yet any other woman who starts a thread about this would have been told that the husband should still, quite rightly, be doing 50% of housework and parenting

He's passive aggressive, is unable to parent or communicate with his 2 year old appropriately and yet this is suddenly acceptable?

Or I'm going to take a wild guess that aall the posters defending him are also men that have popped up following the supermoon and are chomping at the bit to justify such shitty male behaviour

And there's my point proven.

He’s not raging at the child. Stop exaggerating. I, for one, have not said anything about “male authority” or that the child is manipulating her parents either. Kids can be taught expectations gently - he’s not screaming at the kid or hitting the kid, or anything close to it, so what’s the problem? Always pandering to a child, never telling them to tidy, or not do something naughty, is how you create snowflakes. My is good cop here, dad is bad cop.. that dynamic is fine and healthy as neither is extreme.

A 2 year old crying at bedtime isn’t being manipulative, full stop. Especially not when their parent is having a go at them.

Honest to God, being around a parent like that is so draining. “Don’t do this, don’t do that”, “stop being so silly”. Absolute misery.

when i was stay at home mum with 5 kids,i and kids would always tidy around at the end of the day before my husband came home from work and before dinner.I wouldn’t like to have a husband picking and moaning like that at all,there is no need,like he sounds a bit jealous that you are home all day with little one.