To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

If he genuinely thinks he has OCD he needs to see a doctor. If he is just an insufferable arse you need to ditch him.

If the OP worked and their child was in childcare he should be paying for half of that childcare, so no, he wouldn't be in the same financial position.

To a certain extent I agree that if one parent is the breadwinner they should not have to do half of the housework, but he's not the breadwinner, is he? He only pays for himself, so he should be doing 50% of the housework.

But that's not what is happening?!

He comes home from work and makes passive aggressive comments because he had to tidy pencil crayons away that the child was using whilst the OP was cooking dinner.

He then can't do bath time because he can't cope with a child splashing in the bath and insist she has to be still in the bath and not move

He then makes her cry at bedtime because she had the audacity to reach for another book while he was reading

And he also tells her off for not facing forward whilst drinking!

Please don't pretend that he comes home from work and does everything while the OP lazed around because it suits your narrative, it's embarrassing

He doesn't work 24/7 😂why are you so dramatic?!

But even if he was paying all the household costs, why does this make him exempt from housework and childcare when they are both at home?

Does the penis fall off or something if he does things around the home outside of working hours?!

I think you and your DH need to find some middle ground. He’s too hard on her and you’re too soft on her

Without giving too much away as I don't want to be identifiable and tbh it's not really the point of the post, we both saved to an extent to enable me to be a SAHM as we were both in well paid jobs. My family also significantly helped / help me with a few major purchases and I have a passive income. He covers anything that is family expenses ie bills, groceries, us going on a date night or family restaurant, zoo tickets etc. but anything directly related to me such as buying clothes, make up, if I want to see a doc privately or if I went out for lunch with a friend, that is paid by me. I also pay for the cleaner because historically it just happened that way and stayed that way. Occasionally if it's in the grey area, for example, my daughter and I both wanted to go out for pizza instead of eating at home on a random Tuesday, and I'm not sure if that's a family expense or not, ill put it in my card to avoid the debate.

I mean, it wouldn't, but since he's not paying all the household costs it's not even an argument.

He's using a different parenting style. And since most manuals of child development and how to parent contradict each other and some things have to be taught because they are second order learning (like reading, maths, physics, history, manners etc) there is no reason why he should not. Such teaching needs to be done early and consistently. OP and DH need to talk about this - not everything is learned through imaginative play.
Like all modern couples they also seem to have a very mine/yours/family expenses view of finance, which I find chilling.

The OP doesn't expect him to come home and do all the clearning up, bath their daughter and put her to bed. She just doesn't want him to come home when she is cooking and their daughter is playing with her toys and to start complaining about the mess. She doesn't want him to to lose his temper with his child when he baths her and reads her a story. He has no patience or kindness towards his child.

@Chichimcgee

"come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day"

No, all he's expected to do it come home, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and tidy a few toys, relax. Meanwhile I would happily prepare dinner, take child to the bath (because she won't go with her dad and dad doesn't want to go to bathe her), clean up after bath, read a story or two or three (because she won't go with her dad and dad doesn't want to go to read to her), brush teeth / wash face etc, put her to bed (because, again, he won't do this and she doesn't want him to).
Not sure how that's unfair

So he misses most of the fun things to do with having a small child and loads the dishwasher instead. Maybe encourage story reading downstairs at the week-ends? Stories don't need to be confined to bedtime, and reading a story, child on lap or beside you, is a good way of winding down from more exciting play. There are some super books out there, too!

@Grammarnut I mean, it's very much encouraged. But he doesn't have a huge amount of patience. For example, if he's reading a story and she wants to turn pages faster than he reads he's frustrated or leaves the book altogether rather than engaging. If they're reading a book and there's a penguin in the story so she decides to go and find her toy penguin to show him, he's not exactly frustrated but just a bit "urgh yes I know you've got a penguin, let's look at it later and carry on with the story now, don't get it out, I know it's there" which obviously kills her excitement. Or if she brings a doll to listen to the story with her and then takes the doll's cardigan off saying 'you hot?', again, he's frustrated that the doll's clothes have come off and created a mess.
A lot of their games seem to end in "oh no don't get that out, it's messy" and often my daughter doesn't play nearly in one activity followed by another. More like - she's build a duplo house, finds a teddy bear who now lives in that house, gets a toy cup set to serve tea to the teddy bear... whereas my husband would want the duplo away before we get the teddy bear out, but that's his house?! And definitely not the cups when we've already got a teddy and duplo!

Because he works and she doesn't!
He gets home at 7pm and if the house was tidy since op has had all day to do it he might have more patience to do fun things. If he didn't know that he'd be expected to clean up the duplo and Teddy and teaset because dd isn't allowed to be taught to tidy her own things, maybe he'd be happier about them all being out.

It must be so shit to work til 7, come home to tidy up and then your child is in bed. It's got nothing to do with him being a man, if he didn't work the housework and childcare would fall to him on weekdays.

@Chichimcgee he's very welcome to do the "fun stuff" and I'd be happy to swap so that I tidy and he puts her to bed (so that I'm "done" about an hour before he is, and can just chill) but he doesn't want to, she doesn't want him to and whenever we've tried (numerous occasions) both end up frustrated, husband gives up shortly after starting and says he'd prefer to tidy, although why isn't it already tidy so he can just sit down poor him, whilst I put her to bed.

It should already be tidy because you and dd should tidy up after yourselves.
Yes poor him working until 7pm while you play games all day, have a cleaner and think tidying up isn't for you.

@Chichimcgee you're absolutely right, looking after a toddler is just playing games

It seems he doesn't see them as fun though as the two year-old is told off when he does do it.

He told her off for splashing water in the bath and told her off for reaching for a second book

He should be expected to adjust his attitude towards parenting, not the rest of the household pander to him

Are you her husband?!

Just admit you don't like and have zero respect for stay at home parents

I have kids and I know it's not 24/7 work.
Nap time, independent play, sensory play etc all times when you get a break. Being able to go to a friends for a coffee, have a tv show on in the background, potter in the garden etc I love being a sahm because it's not as difficult and lots more fun than working, especially until 7pm

I don't like and have zero respect for myself, hmm OK then.

ODFOD.

Your pulling this out of your arse now to suit your narrative.

He doesn't want to do bath time because the two year old splashes, he doesn't to read to her because she moves and reaches for other books, he tells her off for not facing forward while drinking, he doesn't want to tidy up because he thinks he shouldn't be doing anything around the house as it's not his job.

He is financially better off with OP not working because he is saving himself 50% of childcare fees and only paying half towards the household because OP pays her half share.

The house is obviously tidy enough for a cleaner to clean twice a week, a cleaner doesn't tidy and won't tidy before they clean

God forbid has to put three things away.

If he's so capable and has deemed the OP of being incapable, where is his offer to swap roles?!

He can't even bath a toddler without causing tears.

Well if you put up with your partner doing nothing round the house, not contributing to parenting and only ever making your children cry then yes, you've no respect for yourself.

An unequal partnership isn't healthy.

@Chichimcgee neither are office jobs 😉 lunchtime, getting a coffee, bumping into a friend-colleague and having a chat, going for beers after work.
For me being a SAHM is far more enjoyable but it is very intense. More so than his office job

God forbid someone has a difference of opinion.
In my OPINION which I am entitled to. The stay at home patent does the housework and childcare. If you both work it's 50/50 if one is part time it's 25/75.

Again the being a shit dad was a drip feed for sympathy and if he didn't come home to a messy house maybe he'd have more patience. If OP didn't think dd shouldn't be taught to tidy up maybe he'd have more patience. Who knows.