To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

@MustWeDoThis

bit OTT

My husband was and is the same. So annoying. We literally butt heads constantly. Him always telling me I'm wrong.
If I let son run around without a nappy on to air his skin he would put a nappy on him.
When reading him a story at night son was not allowed to ask questions had to sit there and not talk or move.
The same with the table has to sit straight and forward.
Tells my son off if he slightly misses the toilet or splashed the seat.
It goes in & on. It is so frustrating. I'm all for having manners but some of the ideas he has are weird to me. But not too him. It's different upbringings.

A further practical suggestion (and I still think he's a cock who needs to learn how to speak to his family if he wants to keep them)
Can you get some big shallow tuns or trays to contain the messiest toys. So if she wants to tip all her pens out to sort through them they are contained withing a big tray not all over the entire floor.
Excellent for confining lego too!
If you approach him with some accommodations you are willing to make, it might make you seem more reasonable and willing to compromise, whilst telling him to leave the poor child alone to play !

I’ve seen it. It still doesn’t mean that everyone who disagrees with OP is a man.

It just needs a reframe in my opinion.

Daddy comes in and says 'I can see you and mummy have been busy, Time to put all this lego away now to get ready for dinner. Can you help me put all the lego back in the box. What did you make with the lego today? Do you think we can get all the pieces in before I count to ten?

Why would she be colouring while she has a bedtime story? That makes no sense to me and I wouldn't want wet bath toys being thrown out the bath either. Do you have any boundaries for her? Or is she just allowed to do whatever she pleases because she's 2? She can be gently taught at this age that bath toys stay in the bath and bedtime stories are for relaxing and listening to.

I'm definitely not a man.

She wasn't colouring in while a bed time story was being read though? She went to pick a second book and got told off for it.

She also got told off for

Splashing water in the bath, tipping her crayons out whilst colouring and not looking straight ahead while drinking

But apparently this means the OP is a terrible mother with no boundaries and the 2 year-old is being manipulative because she cried when shouted at by Dad for doing the above.

@LuckySantangelo35 same as my husband's job, large corporate, managerial role. Many emails, many phone calls etc

I'm genuinely astonished at the support for the father's behaviour. There seems to be a Victorian/Edwardian 'children should be seen and not heard' mentality with the father as 'head of the household', issuing orders to mothers and children, like the early scene in Mary Poppins when Mr Banks comes home.

This. Its no wonder she is difficult for him, you've chosen to teach her that its ok not to listen to Daddy.
When shes refusing to close her eyes so he can wash her face, instead of swooping in and saying there there, mean daddy, you need to back him up?
'daddy has asked you to close your eyes. You need to close your eyes so daddy can wash your face!' then leave again! If you insist on going in. You need to be a team who are the same page not constantly undermining him and casting him as bad cop.

@anonymousi I have only read your replies, but are you living off savings and still contributing to your family's joint expenses? How much are you contributing? Does your husband understand that if you worked he would need to contribute to the cost of childcare?

How long can this situation continue before you run out of money?

He sounds like a miserable bastard constantly picking at a 2 year old . I wouldn't want him putting her to bed if that's the way he speaks to her

I haven't suggested her DH be praised for sticking toys in a box, I just said it was reasonable not to step on Lego all over the floor etc.

I didn't say you said that?! 😮

I hate the term SAHM - it's derogatory, as if the woman was not a person. She stays at home and brings up her child, and that's fine by me, I stayed at home till my DS was 9 and my DD 5, i.e. till both were at school, and I treated my then DH's income as mine (and I ran the budget, he couldn't be bothered) because it bloody well was since I was putting all the work in to run a family and support his career, and also kept my home tidy (though he moaned it wasn't and other people we knew had nicer houses etc.) and not with Lego etc. all over the floor. I can see OP's DH's point of view, because it would be mine. What's wrong with a tidy house?

Every person is different. I actually listen better if I'm doing something else as well, it might look like I'm not but I am. I think insisting a two year old should focus completely on the story being read could be a little unrealistic as I struggle myself and I'm a fully grown adult

Nothing wrong with a tidy house. What's wrong with expecting the other person to help with tidying when they are at home and pulling their weight.

A stay at home parent doesn't absolve the other parent of doing anything else around the house when both parents are at home and it definitely doesn't mean the working parent gets to check out or berate the other parent for not doing it not properly.

It's supposed to be your partner, not one of the junior staff you treat like shit at work.

I rather think we are on the same page, but a different paragraph. I think the parent who is not stay at home should certainly help tidy up etc. I just think the OP doesn't want to acknowledge her DH has a point and doesn't see why anything much should be tidied up from the child, who needs (she doesn't) free access to all her toys all the time.

How do you know he’s scaring her? Doing a psychiatric assessment from a few posts are you?

And kids cry all the time. It’s a form of communication. If it was a terrified cry, I’m sure a reasonable human would adjust their behaviour.

And about the parenting books, lots of them are contradictory and bull… this is the view paediatric health care professionals I’ve come across.

Like I said before, nothing wrong with one parent setting behaviour standards to aim for.

But all the negatives she has raised that he does, there are no advantages to. His expectations, with a child, are unrealistic.

Expecting a two year old to only face one direction while drinking? Expecting a two year old to sit on a bath and not splash the water? Splashing water doesn't mean the water is going out of the bath, being annoyed because a child has tipped their colouring crayons over the table to use?

Why does the husbands expectations require following and why do we expect the OP to compromise when the husband won't?

There's everything wrong with setting standards for another adult to follow when you're not prepared to do anything towards meeting those standards.

If my DH had come to me with a list of parenting expectations and the standard he expects the house to be maintained at but wasn't prepared to do anything towards it and instead passively aggressively berated me by speaking through the child, it wouldn't last long.l, believe me.

You sound a bit shit to be fair

Thanks! Hope it makes you feel better about yourself.

So you would be perfectly happy to go to work all day until 7pm, come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Despite the fact there's a whole other parent in the house

That other parent appears to be paying her half of the family finances out of her own savings, so he's getting a very good deal.

Me too. I always used to tidy up before DH got home and would be really annoyed if he didn't do it before I got home!

Even now, if I am working from home and he isn't, I make sure there isn't a mess for him to come into like dishes everywhere.

So because he doesn't pay 100% of the household bills it's ok for him to essentially work 24/7?
He'd have less to do and be in the same financial situation if op worked or child was in childcare.