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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

333 replies

anonymousi · 17/10/2024 21:54

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 19/10/2024 00:03

YellowphantGrey · 18/10/2024 23:22

It's quite depressing really how low the bar is for men.

I'm wondering why this poster is getting a hard time for getting her husband to put toys in a box and pencil crayons away yet any other woman who starts a thread about this would have been told that the husband should still, quite rightly, be doing 50% of housework and parenting

He's passive aggressive, is unable to parent or communicate with his 2 year old appropriately and yet this is suddenly acceptable?

Or I'm going to take a wild guess that aall the posters defending him are also men that have popped up following the supermoon and are chomping at the bit to justify such shitty male behaviour

It's possible for women to simply have different opinions and that different people on a very busy website will post on different threads.

It doesn't mean that they are all men.

doveshadow · 19/10/2024 00:11

mathanxiety · 17/10/2024 23:07

There is nothing age appropriate about the expectation of a two year old drinking carefully or tidying toys. Absolutely nothing.

A great many people here need to give their heads a massive wobble, and then go and look up basic elements of child development.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this. Letting a 2 year old play with their toys while you are cooking dinner is a perfectly sensible and reasonable thing to do. To those say let her watch TV, yes that is an option but it is a passive one whereas active play is stimulating and creative. I would tidy up when she has gone to bed.

Gymrabbit · 19/10/2024 00:15

Very interesting that a reasonable amount of people didn’t agree with the OP so on page 9 in a massive drip feed suddenly he’s shouting at her over minor things and she’s not trying to colour at bedtime (even though lots of people commented on that and the OP didn’t disagree before)

pikkumyy77 · 19/10/2024 03:29

Even if she were trying to color at bedtime do fucking what? The parent put the child to sleep should be able to manage that without crisis. Because its not a crisis.

OrangeSlices998 · 19/10/2024 06:29

Grammarnut · 18/10/2024 22:22

If that's the case you need to talk to each other, because your 2 year old is manipulating you both in order to get what she wants and you need to nip this in the bud before it's a 16 year old doing this. Your DH has made good points and so have many others, but you seem unable to move from the idea it's ok to run a house for the sole benefit of a 2 year old - which is what you are doing. Talk now - it's easier to teach new habits to a 2 year old than deal with a stroppy teenager who has grown up knowing she can manipulate her parents and that at least on of them thinks she is entitled to do as she pleases. Fix it now.

Show quote history

You honestly think speaking to a 2 year old who’s tired at bedtime like that is acceptable? Because it’s not! It’s absolutely okay for toddler to want mum and for dad to do bedtime and be with her while she’s sad it’s different to how she wanted it - but that’s not by shouting at her or threatening to leave. It’s by being kind and empathetic and gently holding a boundary and staying with her during her upset ‘tonight it’s daddy’s turn to do bedtime, it’s mummy’s turn tomorrow, I know it’s hard etc etc’ and offering a hug/whatever she wants.

I mean ideally he wouldn’t have been a shouty prick up until this point that she hates him doing bedtime at all but that’s besides the point.

A 2 year old isn’t entitled, but they have feelings and I wouldn’t want to be put to bed by a shouty angry unkind man and I bet if your husband/partner spoke to your kids like that you wouldn’t just sit by and let it happen. But on mumsnet because she’s a SAHM and has dared not to have a pristine house when he comes home she’s in the wrong entirely.

Bubblebuttress · 19/10/2024 06:43

OCD with ND traits?

He will not change and refuses to acknowledge or get help
Tricky one for you OP

Look out for your daughter, it will turn to criticism and no young woman needs to grow up with that

CurbsideProphet · 19/10/2024 06:45

It sounds like you didn't really know him before you had a child together?

I'm.not sure what he has to complain about when it seems like he does no cooking, housework, or parenting?

Onlyvisiting · 19/10/2024 07:03

anonymousi · 17/10/2024 21:54

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

Honestly? He sounds incredibly draining and horrible. I've grown up with snappy aggressively spoken adults. It's relentlessly stressful. Do you want your daughter to grow up hearing 'dad's coming home' and running to avoid him instead of being happy? That's what you'll end up with. For the sake of your daughter I'd suggest you push very hard for the parenting classes. Don't tolerate this, she will think it's a normal way to be spoken to and its really not OK.

An idea slightly more for prevention- is there anyway you can designate more separate areas for toys. Ie have a toddler height table where she crafts, an area behind baby gates/big playpen thing where other toys have to stay?
If the toy area is messy- so what, it doesn't effect him anymore if it's not all over the living room or the table you all use.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 08:19

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/10/2024 00:03

It's possible for women to simply have different opinions and that different people on a very busy website will post on different threads.

It doesn't mean that they are all men.

Show quote history

Well the very scathing reply after mine was definitely a man. Read that one.

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 08:33

YellowphantGrey · 18/10/2024 23:22

It's quite depressing really how low the bar is for men.

I'm wondering why this poster is getting a hard time for getting her husband to put toys in a box and pencil crayons away yet any other woman who starts a thread about this would have been told that the husband should still, quite rightly, be doing 50% of housework and parenting

He's passive aggressive, is unable to parent or communicate with his 2 year old appropriately and yet this is suddenly acceptable?

Or I'm going to take a wild guess that aall the posters defending him are also men that have popped up following the supermoon and are chomping at the bit to justify such shitty male behaviour

I'm not a man but now my children are older, I recognise that my DH had a point and a compromise would have been better all round.

And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 08:49

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 08:33

I'm not a man but now my children are older, I recognise that my DH had a point and a compromise would have been better all round.

And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent.

Show quote history

And it's attitudes like this that supports the tripe of stay at home parenting as being worthless because it's not as tiring or as important as other work.

I couldn't be married to someone who didn't lift a finger and participate in parenting because he deemed his working job to be his only input needed for the family.

When both parents are home, they are both responsible for chores and childcare, why wouldn't you want to live equally?

Getting passive aggressive and unable to communicate and getting to the point of scolding a two year old for splashing in the bath and making her cry at bedtime, a because you needed to put away some crayons is not normal behaviour.

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 08:57

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 08:49

And it's attitudes like this that supports the tripe of stay at home parenting as being worthless because it's not as tiring or as important as other work.

I couldn't be married to someone who didn't lift a finger and participate in parenting because he deemed his working job to be his only input needed for the family.

When both parents are home, they are both responsible for chores and childcare, why wouldn't you want to live equally?

Getting passive aggressive and unable to communicate and getting to the point of scolding a two year old for splashing in the bath and making her cry at bedtime, a because you needed to put away some crayons is not normal behaviour.

Show quote history

Wow, you aren't very nuanced. There's a big difference between doing 50% (in total) and never lifting a finger. My DH did loads and I would say he definitely worked harder than me including his job. But he had a point about me having better boundaries with the kids and being a little tidier. I see that with hindsight, less so when I was busy being defensive.

Original poster
anonymousi · 19/10/2024 09:03

@PrincessOfPreschool

"And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent"

Hmmm... so being with a child all day isn't work / hard work? I'd say sitting on your bottom and replying to a few emails, whilst being able to go to the toilet alone and eat your lunch without being asked "mummy wipe mummy more water mummy" is a lot less intense! Not saying it's nicer or more pleasurable - I hated employment - but it's far easier and less tiring

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 19/10/2024 09:10

anonymousi · 19/10/2024 09:03

@PrincessOfPreschool

"And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent"

Hmmm... so being with a child all day isn't work / hard work? I'd say sitting on your bottom and replying to a few emails, whilst being able to go to the toilet alone and eat your lunch without being asked "mummy wipe mummy more water mummy" is a lot less intense! Not saying it's nicer or more pleasurable - I hated employment - but it's far easier and less tiring

Depends on your job OP. Work can be a lot more stressful. In fact no idea why the example you have given is stressful.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 09:13

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 08:57

Wow, you aren't very nuanced. There's a big difference between doing 50% (in total) and never lifting a finger. My DH did loads and I would say he definitely worked harder than me including his job. But he had a point about me having better boundaries with the kids and being a little tidier. I see that with hindsight, less so when I was busy being defensive.

Show quote history

So what boundaries did you fail in that your Husband felt he had to berate you over?

You reckon your Husband did more than you around the house as well as a full time job and had to tell you how to parent on top of that?

You sound a bit shit to be fair

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2024 09:18

YellowphantGrey · 18/10/2024 23:23

And there's my point proven.

Show quote history

I know! I bet his partner put the flags out when he walked out.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 09:19

anonymousi · 19/10/2024 09:03

@PrincessOfPreschool

"And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent"

Hmmm... so being with a child all day isn't work / hard work? I'd say sitting on your bottom and replying to a few emails, whilst being able to go to the toilet alone and eat your lunch without being asked "mummy wipe mummy more water mummy" is a lot less intense! Not saying it's nicer or more pleasurable - I hated employment - but it's far easier and less tiring

You're on a losing streak.

Working Moms despise stay at home Moms more than working Dads do.

Based on their logic, they are entitled to come home to clean house, quiet children and freshly prepared meals and shouldn't be expected to lift a finger. You should know this and so should your two year old

The role of a stay at home parent is to look after the child, feed them, clean them and play with them, getting some jobs done when it's possible. Tidying toys through the day when needed and starting or finishing getting dinner ready

It's not to pick up all the house chores and childcare all of the time because their partner works 35 hours a week and refuses to help when they come home

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2024 09:21

TheMamaLife · 18/10/2024 23:29

He’s not raging at the child. Stop exaggerating. I, for one, have not said anything about “male authority” or that the child is manipulating her parents either. Kids can be taught expectations gently - he’s not screaming at the kid or hitting the kid, or anything close to it, so what’s the problem? Always pandering to a child, never telling them to tidy, or not do something naughty, is how you create snowflakes. My is good cop here, dad is bad cop.. that dynamic is fine and healthy as neither is extreme.

Show quote history

He is scaring his 2 year old child and making her cry. He is completely out of his depth but he wouldn't read any parenting books as he thinks he knows best.

Ozanj · 19/10/2024 09:28

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 09:19

You're on a losing streak.

Working Moms despise stay at home Moms more than working Dads do.

Based on their logic, they are entitled to come home to clean house, quiet children and freshly prepared meals and shouldn't be expected to lift a finger. You should know this and so should your two year old

The role of a stay at home parent is to look after the child, feed them, clean them and play with them, getting some jobs done when it's possible. Tidying toys through the day when needed and starting or finishing getting dinner ready

It's not to pick up all the house chores and childcare all of the time because their partner works 35 hours a week and refuses to help when they come home

Show quote history

If that’s all a stay at home mum does then no wonder all the research suggests kids raised by them are the most likely to benefit from full time professional care.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 09:35

Ozanj · 19/10/2024 09:28

If that’s all a stay at home mum does then no wonder all the research suggests kids raised by them are the most likely to benefit from full time professional care.

Show quote history

That was a brief outline and you know that, you're just choosing to be goady for the sake of it.

It's fucking despicable that stay at home parents have to justify everything they do to appease the working parent

MustWeDoThis · 19/10/2024 09:37

anonymousi · 17/10/2024 21:54

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

Sorry, OP - Please ignore the women still living in the 1950's and bowing down to their Masters men.

Kick him out. Pack him a bag and when he comes home be waiting for him. Tell him "Before you start you need to make a choice - Should you start on our child and the toys I will make it perfectly clear that you can take this bag and leave without argument. This will be the case every day until you stop with your mental abuse and aggression. Do you understand?" Leave no room for argument and do not get into arguing with him, explaining, or justifications.

Put your foot down.

TheDuck2018 · 19/10/2024 10:01

MustWeDoThis · 19/10/2024 09:37

Sorry, OP - Please ignore the women still living in the 1950's and bowing down to their Masters men.

Kick him out. Pack him a bag and when he comes home be waiting for him. Tell him "Before you start you need to make a choice - Should you start on our child and the toys I will make it perfectly clear that you can take this bag and leave without argument. This will be the case every day until you stop with your mental abuse and aggression. Do you understand?" Leave no room for argument and do not get into arguing with him, explaining, or justifications.

Put your foot down.

Show quote history

You'd do that, would you? Really? Or is it just something you spout anonymously whilst sitting behind your keyboard.....🤦
Maybe not....

BIossomtoes · 19/10/2024 10:07

TheDuck2018 · 19/10/2024 10:01

You'd do that, would you? Really? Or is it just something you spout anonymously whilst sitting behind your keyboard.....🤦
Maybe not....

Show quote history

I agree. Filed under nobody sane would even consider it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 10:29

anonymousi · 19/10/2024 09:03

@PrincessOfPreschool

"And no, I wouldn't say a partner (male or female) who's been working all day should do 50% of parenting and housework if the other parent is a stay at home parent"

Hmmm... so being with a child all day isn't work / hard work? I'd say sitting on your bottom and replying to a few emails, whilst being able to go to the toilet alone and eat your lunch without being asked "mummy wipe mummy more water mummy" is a lot less intense! Not saying it's nicer or more pleasurable - I hated employment - but it's far easier and less tiring

@anonymousi

lol most people’s working days consist of a lot more than sending a few emails OP. What was your job when you were employed?

angellinaballerina7 · 19/10/2024 10:33

Can she help him when he comes home? Or we put some things away before getting the next thing out?

Im a SAHM too, and we tend to tidy through the day. It drives me mad when my husband is home with them and I’m out then walk into chaos, so I get his point but there is an element of unavoidable mess.

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