Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Perhaps he should have offered to pay for OP's missed PT session!

She didn't let you and your husband know because she wants to control these events. I bet she's the same with school things too and parties etc if she can get away with it (I know dad probably in touch with school himself).
As it played out she told SS she couldn't take him. Why didn't she tell work she couldn't stay because she had plans. She chose work. By not involving you all to enjoy these moments with SS she left herself in a bit of a quandary and SS inevitably sad and annoyed with her. Play silly games , win silly prizes. I hope you enjoyed your gym session OP. Don't feel bad. Mum should make provisions/prioritise in her son's best interest. She is the only person to blame.

The poor kid achieved something and no one around him could be arsed. Of course you should have gone. I would have done this even for one of my kids friends.

YANBU of course, neither of his parents made sure they could make it. No-one else is to blame but them.

Not her child, not her problem. He can be disgusted all he likes. She's said in other posts that son's mum has called her in the past so she does right not to get involved.

Maybe he should have checked on his son's schedule to know about the presentation in advance, you know, so an actual parent of the kid could have been there?

Boggles the mind how any of this becomes OP's fault.

There are people who could have tried harder in this situation:

1. mainly the mother, who was the one who knew about the event. Unless the grandparents are in poor health, I don't see why they couldn't have taken him in a taxi. I also think the mother could probably have text some people on the team to see if he could get a lift.

2. the father - wasn't there anyone he could have text? Other parents on the team etc?

However, I do think it is a bit of a shame that you didn't rearrange your PT and take him. You could have paid the PT for the missed session so that s/he wasn't out of pocket. Your DH/DSS mum could have reimbursed you presumably?

The bottom line is, nobody did enough to get the child there. Lots of people could have done more. He must feel shit.

I'd be more disgusted at the actual parents not making sure they could take their son to an important event and having such a brass neck as to blame OP who they assumed would do it last minute.

Of course it’s an appointment - she had the choice whether to go ahead or put her step son first. She chose her own fitness.

Sometimes you have to work late. Both his parents had to, she didn’t have to go to gym.

“It was his mother who knew about it in advance, not OP”.

And why oh why did dad have no idea about this event. They have the poor son three days a week - why was it such a surprise?

Threads like this is why I would never get involved with someone with children.

I would have taken him (as an adult who wouldn’t want him to feel unloved).
However, his mum and dad should have no judgement of you whatsoever - They’re is parents.

I think the mum has a real cheek not telling SS’s father about the event, and then asking for help

It depends. If they both have form for this, expecting you to run around after them , pick up the balls they drop etc. Then, fuck that shit. Especially if your husband doesn't pull his weight in general either with SS or the child you have together.

If this is a one off however, yeah, I would've helped out.

You let a child miss out on a presentation evening because you couldn't possibly miss a thrice weekly gym class ! Bet you would have done it if it was your own child. If you can't find it in your heart to treat an innocent step child as one of your own don't have one.

Presumably they could, yes. Again, I was just responding to the poster who asked who was looking after the child that evening.

Football with a presentation

I would of taken him and left the gym out for one night
If you pay monthly, its not really a big deal as a one off

I feel sad that noone has made your SS feel important, everyone worrying about themselves
If it was your own child, you would of gone

Its Mean

As others have said, this is on his parents for failing to communicate and plan. If he is with his father 3 nights a week, why isn't dad up to speed on the boy's schedule? That doesn't bode well for his involvement with OP's child.

Also, grandparents could have Ubered or taxid. Or, what about a lift from other parents whose kids are on the team?

There were many solutions other than prevailing on the OP. That said, if I liked the kid and could reschedule the PT, I may have considered taking him.

As OP said, she wouldn't have booked the PT session (not gym class FFS) if her child had a presentation.

The child missed out because of his PARENTS and their poor planning.
OP helps out a lot from the sounds of it, it’s not reasonable to emotionally blackmail her into doing it EVERY TIME, especially when she’s not considered important enough to be invited to this thing in the first place.

Why couldn't his maternal GPs, who he was already with, take him in a taxi? Why aren't they getting all the flak OP is getting? Sounds like OP steps up plenty for her DSS and ought to be allowed to have a life.

Personally I'd have taken him. I couldn't have let him miss it for a gym session.

I also wouldn't have got caught up at work a night I had plans with my child though. I would have been leaving on time! (That's probably easier for some than others though)

Why didn’t his mums partner go?

I wouldn’t have gone either 🤷‍♀️. I get little time to myself like you inbetween toddlers and work. Mum can’t have been that arsed if she didn’t go herself or tell you or his dad about it

I wouldn’t give it anymore head space. Block her and tell your partner not to pass on her nasty comments. She’s the one who picked work over her own son 🤷‍♀️.

Considering dad and step-mum have the son for three days a week (so nearly half) it’s amazing that the dad didn’t get himself up to speed on his son’s activities.

YANBU OP, the ex could have easily paid for a taxi for her parents and her son to get to the event. Or could have asked on their football team's WhatsApp group if he could ride along with another parent.
Sounds like she's shit at planning and sorting out her life, sad for the poor boy but she did have other options and I fully understand why you declined to help. As PP said, is she also accusing her own partner of being selfish???

The child missed out on his presentation because neither his mother, nor his father, could get their shit together enough to plan their day so that they could be there for their son.

That child needed his parents and they didn't show up.