Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Fair point and I think it is unfair that you are being blamed.

I would have taken him, I wouldn’t have the heart to say no knowing he’d miss a presentation, but I do think his mum and dad are pretty shitty not to have organised things better to ensure they could be around.

I’m with you OP. This woman dicks you should regularly and you’ve helped out frequently in the past.

He became her stepchild when she married her dad ffs!!

YABU, He is a child, he needed an adult you are his step mum.

Well it’s a shame the child missed out, these things mean a lot to kids. His mum should have given you all more notice, but the fact you put a PT session you do 3 times a week over a presentation for your SS doesn’t paint you in glory let’s face it.

I bet she’s got lots of family members she’s equally not responsible for, in law and biological. No, her stepchild is not automatically going to be her priority,

I never understand why some people think a stepparent is obliged to take responsibility for a stepchild, more so than the actual parents apparently, yet here we are.

It’s a title, that’s it. It doesn’t make her his parent, or responsible for him.

He’s got two parents to meet his needs, neither of which is OP.

Happens all the time on here. Especially step mums!

I would get your DH to ask to be added to WhatsApp, email etc update so he can keep on top of it, not your circus and not your monkeys.

Yes, she chose not to allow other people to dump their problems on her to solve. I’d call her an excellent role model.

There may also be a time in the future when the OP and her husband want a one-off modification of whatever arrangements there are regarding the SS and the mother will remember this and not be co-operative.

This. What a shit dad that his own son didn't tell him that the presentation was happening.

Says a lot about their relationship. Here's hoping it never happens to your child if you split up.

So all the help she’s previously given now counts for nothing?!

I would have taken SS. He is, after all, your stepson and you owe him some care and responsibility. Your gym class does not take precedence over your duty to nurture one of your DC. I don't think you are selfish, I just don't think you see your DSS as your DS - but he is because you are married to his father.
You were not helping out your DH's ex here, you were doing what was needed for your DSS.

No, that doesn’t make him her son. ‘Stepparent’ is a title, and not one that obliges her in any way. Whether you personally approve or not, she isn’t his parent and she isn’t responsible for him.

Out of interest OP, how many times has your husband asked the step dad to help him out with stuff like this?

But it's not covering for SS's mother, it's doing something for the DSS - her SS. And £40 for a gym session? I don't pay much more than that for a whole month's access to pool, sauna, and gym.

Initially I was like, you're defo unreasonable, as it's just one session and you need to do these things to foster a good relationship

But given that she has a man who has his own kids, didn't give your husband advance notice, doesn't invite you to other things and is calling you selfish by text, I'd say not. It sounds like there's been some animosity here, before this

I still would've done it as the kids come first, and as this kid is family, you can defo miss a pt session. Don't think you're horrible or unreasonable though xx

I would definitely have gone. I’ve always tried to be there as much as possible for my DSS. As a result we are very close now he is an adult and he is very close to all our children, his siblings.
He’ll remember nobody went…..whether you feel it’s your responsibility or not.

You said these gym sessions are pre-booked and regular, three times a week. So the question still stands - would you have skipped one of them for your own child? I’m a step child and am very grateful to my stepdad for never treating me like one.

That doesn't matter - she didn't do something that caused disappointment to DSS, which she should have considered. That SS DPs are both disorganised is not his fault.

It’s not her fault either, any more than it’s her problem.

It's a personal trainer session, not just a random stop at the gym.

The child has grandparents and two parents who all fell down on the job; why is it the OP's role to make up for their failings? Why wasn't the child's father aware of the child's football schedule?

She's already answered this, and perfectly adequately imo: if it were her own child she would have reorganized her life to ensure she or the other parent could be there.

Was it not possible for grandparents to get a taxi?
If really not possible I'd have taken him - as many have said it would be worth missing one gym class when they are so frequent. If it could not be re-arranged parents could have covered the cost.