Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

YANBU!
The nerve of them. The mother, father, stepfather and grandparents all couldn't make it but somehow you're the bad guy because you can't either. What a joke.

If you'd been given notice maybe you could have moved plans but certainly not at the last minute. Why should you be out of pocket? Lose out on your own planned time, mess around your babysitter while the ss's own parents can't be bothered to prioritise him.

1. The mother could have made sure she left on time and prioritised her own child.
2. The stepfather could have taken him and brought his kids with him (why isn't he being called selfish and accused of caring more about his own kids).
3. The dad could have taken him.
4. The grandparents could have easily taken him in a taxi but chose not to.
5. They could have asked other football parents to drop him off/pick up (with offer of returning said favour).

Also, why are you only hearing about this now? Surely your husband should know his own child's schedule given he lives there 3 days a week.

I'm guessing when she demanded asked you she didn't offer to reimburse the money or offer to babysit your child in return?

I feel bad for ss but yanbu

I like to work out probably 5/6 times a week with my PT which consists of mainly classes and a pt session. This week I have had to cancel a class on her due to a night away with work and she has cancelled a PT session on me as something urgent came up (she’s a friend too). I’ve been working out with her for 8yrs.

My feeling on your situation is that missing one class wouldn’t have done any harm to you and your PT would have understood that it was a one off given the circumstances. I read your post though that you didn’t really want to go to the sport presentation and class gave you a good excuse to get out of it. Which is probably how it’s been interpreted by your partners ex as lack of interest in SS.

Obviously you don’t have to go but you could just admit you didn’t want to go?

It isn't on her to do so but it shows this innocent 9 year old where he is on the priority list with every adult in his life. I will never understand people who get involved in families but don't actually want the family part. Neither of them caring about the children, just their own relationship.

OP says DSS’s mum’s partner was with his children. Is it reasonable to disrupt all of their evening’s out when OP could have just cancelled a gym session. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What? Cancelling on the PT is shitty, worse than refusing to do overtime as a legal assistant when you knew well in advance that your child had an important event.

Gwenhwyfar

of course office workers can have no say in staying late!!!

It wasn't a gym session. She had an appointment with a PT.
And did OP say the mother's partner had an 'evening out' or just that that he was with his children?

Honestly I think YABU.

Should the mum blame you fully? No. But at the end of the day you could have cancelled the class and made that little boy happy by taking him to his football presentation. I would have done that for my stepkids without hesitation,

As a legal assistant? Presuming it's a legal secretary or a paralegal, finishing a letter is not super urgent. If it's after hours, they can't be sacked for leaving.

One of his parents should have taken the time off work, poor kid.

Why they expect you to effectively pay 40 quid to go and sort out their issue I don't know. Maybe they are not understanding its a paid for thing that you go to rather than a generic gym visit

There are 4 possible adults who could have taken him (including his own actual parents), as well as two grandparents who could have got a taxi. Why are you being singled out as unreasonable?

Separately, why are you getting grief when the mother didn't even bother to tell the dad about this thing, the dad didn't bother to know about it (seeing as he sees his kid 3 times per week), and you have a child of your own around whose childcare you've made arrangements?

This is so unbelievably unreasonable as to be laughable. As they say: their inability to plan ahead doesn't constitute an emergency for you.

(And yes, I'm only saying this as apparently this isn't a one-off like a kindergarten nativity play or an annual piano recital. It clearly wasn't a big deal, seeing as the boy's parent didn't even know it was happening)

The mother had plenty of options. Sending abusive messages to the OP when she said no just shows that sort of person she is. If that was me and I asked for a favour and the person said no I would have said thanks anyway and left it there. Just shows how entitled she is to try to make it ops fault. She should have just left work on time if it was so important

I would have taken him. It was something special. Poor lad.

OP's step-son's mum hadn't even told OP's DH about the presentation until she got stuck at work on the day. If she'd invited him to his own son's presentation he could have made arrangements with work much earlier so he could attend. OP says she has helped out at short notice on other occasions which has never been appreciated. OP didn't refuse just to be awkward, she already had plans.

He shouldn’t have to cancel time with his kids. Can you imagine the outrage on here though if OP (and any other stepmum) didn’t cancel her quality time with her children for dss and his football?

I would have given up my gym session for the child's sake. It feels rather mean to label the child as their responsibility and not mine surely the child stays with you and is part of your blended family.

OP's step-son's mum hadn't even told OP's DH about the presentation until she got stuck at work on the day.

If she doesn't inform him & he wants to know he should find out for himself!

It's difficult. Poor kid could have gone if his grandparents got a taxi?

I can see reasons not to do it due to future expectations.

A gym session with a PT is just a gym session with extras.

It’s up to her how she wants her relationship with her step son to go (would use the abbreviation ‘DSS’ here but it doesn’t seem right). He’ll remember this (mum and dad had to work but step-mum wanted to go to the gym).

I just know my children’s step-mum would never prioritise a gym session over the children’s needs. Because she cares about my children.

If it was that important Mum or Dad should have done it. Why should you prioritise SS when his own parents aren't.

If you hadn't had plans it would have been nice for you to take him. However if she had been desperate for him to go surely she could have paid for a taxi for her parents to get him to and from, or arranged for one of his friends parents to get him there.
She can't cherry pick when she wants you to step up and act as a parent.

Yeah. It's also not your responsibility. The parents need to sort these things out between them.

"A gym session with a PT is just a gym session with extras."

Well, no, it's an appointment involving another person who would normally have to be paid with a cancellation at short notice. OP said he might not insist on payment, but the principle is there. It's like cancelling a dentist's appointment. It's messing another person around.

"He’ll remember this (mum and dad had to work but step-mum wanted to go to the gym)."

His mother stayed late in the office, not something she could be forced to do as a legal assistant, so if that is his point of view, it will only be because somebody presented it like that to him.

It was his mother who knew about it in advance, not OP.

This boy has a mum, dad, step dad, 2 grandparents, why did none of them
rearrange their evening?
OP should not be getting a hard time here.

If I was your husband I would be disgusted that you think so little of my child not to help them, it was all and only for the child, nobody else.