Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

If she is working full time and has a toddler, it’s probable that the workouts are a means of making everything work. I personally found if I exercised frequently, I had the stamina to do everything on my plate. Exercise is a form of stress training.

I would miss the gym to help my niece out, and think it would have been the right thing to do.

The mum is massively unreasonable to call you selfish though. The mum failed to prioritise her own child because she was banking on other people picking up the slack.

I’d have either gone myself or asked whoever was watching the toddler to take him but we are very much a blended family and don’t do “his and ours.”

No way I would have dropped my plans. His stepdad should have sacked off his, his grandparents could have taken a taxi paid by one of his parents. The buck doesn't stop with the OP like her time is less important. Do it once and it's expected. Better to have a line drawn in the sand.

This. While i dont think it is op’s responsibility, the kid missed out.

As others have pointed out she's an office worker, not a surgeon. I'd guess she could have said she had to leave.

I would have taken the kid to the special presentation thing. It doesn't sound like just routine childcare or a thing they do every week - it sounds like it was a one-off need for something that was important to a kid who now knows he's less important than a regular gym session. Poor kid.

Mean. Poor child misses out because of selfish adults.

@iamiam9 how would you like your DSS to remember this incident? Believe me if it was a big thing at football, he’ll remember.

How would you feel about him knowing that his parents were tied up with work - and yes it happens, and you had a choice but chose not to take him.

Everyone on here saying 'not your child, not your problem'.....what is wrong with you? If you are a part of a 9 year old childs life, enough to have them live with you 3 nights a week!! (half the year, presuming for family celebrations birthdays/Christmas/holidays etc) how can you possibly just disregard their feelings and just say 'you're not my kid, so I'm just going to do what I want to do. I know you are upset and I could have done something of little inconvenience to myself to make you happy, but I don't care about you enough.'

If SS is with you 3 nights a week then why doesn't your DH know what's happening with him?

My ex would always get me to relay everything because he couldn't be bothered asking school/clubs to copy him into the text messages/emails and he didn't want involved in the group chats. Another job for me. Nothing stops your DH getting this information for himself.

Look you didn’t want to do it so you didn’t. It’s not your child 🤷🏻‍♀️. Fine - you prioritised
the gym which is totally your right. Hopefully no one does that to your child one day.

Do I think you were being selfish? Yes. But that’s my opinion. It’s not the child’s fault yet they were punished for it. Pretty shit for them. But that’s my opinion - why would you care about it?

This is what I’m wondering too.

“She has a habit of never informing DH of things like this so it was actually the first he'd heard of the presentation”

Why is it up to her to inform him? Presumably he knows which football club his own son belongs to and could get himself added to email lists/whatsapp groups etc?!

I’d have taken the kid to his presentation. But I’d also be telling my husband to sort himself out and keep himself up to date with his kid’s activities so he can plan to be at the next one himself.

The Ex says that I only care about my child

The OP replies, errr sorry, your point is .....??

ODFOD. We're living in financially difficult times. The OP additionally reads like the ex has no new partner. Prioritising work is sometimes what we have to do. Can't be risking our jobs when there's only one wage coming in. Not everyone has the luxury of permanent flexibility alongside bill paying.

All the people going on about 'gym sessions' are conveniently forgetting she had an appointment with her personal trainer. It's more like missing a dentist appointment.

Tricky. If have him 3 nights and assume football is a weekly thing then Why isn't dad on the emails /phone list so that he knows what is happening - speak to coach so that doesn't miss anything again

Why at 9 didn't son say to his dad about the presentation when he found out about it

Or does dad never go to these things which is sad

Ideally both parents should attend stuff that is important to child

How far away was it ? Why couldn't gp get a taxi there

Why couldn't her partner take his kids and his ss to the presentation

Equally you do your pt 3 times a week

Yes you could have not done one and gone /watched ss esp as he stays 3 times a week so almost half

So out of 6 adults - 2 parents - 2 step and 2 gp no one went

Poor 9yr

Neither of his parents were concerned enough to change work arrangements to take him. They are at fault not you, and more his mum because it was her day.

@iamiam9 you are not being unreasonable.

The DS’s mother should have booked the time off with her employer, since it was a presentation. Presumably legal secretaries are sometimes called upon to work late and she should have been more organised regarding the possibility of having to work back, which would have allowed the employer to structure the workload between employees with this in mind.

I have also organised an Uber for my child to get to a place at short notice - the grandparents could have accompanied him to the presentation in the same car.

You already have DSS 3 nights a week, work full time and have a toddler. Your 3 gym sessions are to be guarded fiercely for your sanity.

Because he isn’t her child, and any scheduling issues are not in any way, shape or form her problem to solve. Being married to his father doesn’t make her his parent, and it doesn’t make her responsible for him.

His own parents couldn’t step up for him. It isn’t on OP to do so, regardless of whether she’s got her own established plans or not.

Not OP’s problem either.

However, OP said that the mother does have a partner, and he went out with his own children.

I get both sides. I pay a lot of money for my PT, and it would grate on my that mum seems to be prioritising work over the kids, although as a working mum myself I sympathise, but it's a one off. It appears to be anyway. There's nothing much more disappointing for a kid than being proud of an achievement and seeing a room full of proud parents/carers but yours isn't one of them.

In summary, yes it's a bit shit but I'd take one for the team for the sake of DSS.

YANBU

But one of them should really have taken him - no excuses. This should all have been discussed between them long before the day dawned, and suitable arrangements made to change work commitments.

Or else another family member asked well in advance - which could be you or another family, although clearly not as good as having a parent there.

I’m sure having his step mum there wouldn’t be nearly as good as having his actual parent from SS’s pov.

Bloody hell OP, you’re getting a rough ride here. I’m not surprised you said no, given the fact it’s not the first time this has happened, DH and his ex can’t communicate, DH’s ex refuses to invite you to things while at the same time expecting you to pick up her slack, PT sessions are expensive and mean a lot if it’s your only you time, and you’d have already arranged childcare for your toddler which may not have covered the duration of the SS presentation.

The ex is spiteful and entitled.
Your DH should be asking more questions of the ex about SS schedule.
And why is the ex’s new partner getting a free ride here?
If ex was a man, everyone would be saying it’s his time with SS so it’s his problem to sort out, not yours.

It wasn't her problem to solve, it was her choice to make, a choice to be a good role model, a kind loving person in a child's life whether blood related or not! and she chose to be none of those things