Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Very good point. If that was a stepmum who had plans with her kids, people on here would definitely be telling her to cancel the plans and all go to the football instead. Nobody has really suggested that towards the stepdad on here. Funny that.

fwiw I don’t think he did anything wrong in carrying on with his plans with his children and putting them first over dss’s football. But if dss’s mum didn’t kick up a fuss with him the same way she has with OP then it just goes to show the difference in attitudes towards stepdads and stepmums.

I would have done the same for a daughter. Nothing to do with their sex.

You're only me time is your gym and PT 3 times a week?

Your mum looks after your toddler so you can go to the gym?

You're joking, right?

Swanbeauty · Today 08:34

I agree with you. I can tell your from the north east

Or Scotland?

What exactly are you shocked about?

Yanbu as you are free to make your own choice but personally I would have taken the child.

DP and I put the children's needs ahead of our own when it comes to hobbies and personal lives and that applies to all of our kids, I.e our bio and step kids but that's just a stance we've taken. Our kids to a lot of sports and activities between them and we always prioritise those and arrange our lives around that. My ex doesn't live locally so I puck up extra things that are harder for him and dhs ex is a lone parent so we help out where she cannot be in 2 places at once.

This works for us, we are happy this way but it doesn't mean its the only way.

mamajong · Today 09:05

DP and I put the children's needs ahead of our own when it comes to hobbies and personal lives and that applies to all of our kids...

It's one thing if it's requested with plenty of time, but as the mam knew well in advance, but failed to tell the dad and didn't bother to make arrangement in good time, I'm with OP.

I would have taken him to a presentation evening.

JFC it's amazing how the parents and the ex's partner all get a free pass and yet OP is supposed to drop everything.

Blatant sexism.

OP I'm with you.

YANBU. Drop the rope. Let the Step Dad step up from now on.

I would have gone, that poor child. May be your SS but the disappointment he'd have felt will likely stay as a memory for years. The gym could have waited this time.

Oh come on, it's not like it was a once in a life time opportunity. Plus, kids miss out plenty of times even when they parents aren't separated because life happens.

If this was the OP's MIL having their shared child and she didn't take her son's SS to the presentation, there'd be calls to cut contact. It's only the step children of the woman, who isn't really seen as family on here. Any children the Mother brings to the relationship must be equal to the step father's family.

The solution was for each parent to pay a taxi one way and the bio GPs take them. Seeing as the OP sees herself as the child's dad's partner and not a stepmother.

I'm guessing the mother knew about the presentation at least a week before it happened so she could have sorted something out then, but once again it's the step-mother that is blamed for the mother's faults. Why (on MN at least), are step-parents held to a higher standard than the actual parents?

To be fair, it’s the step mother who has posted, not the parents. If the parents had posted, I’m sure they’d be told they should have sorted something out earlier so that they could go to the presentation.

Dontcallmescarface · Today 11:11

I'm guessing the mother knew about the presentation at least a week before it happened so she could have sorted something out then, but once again it's the step-mother that is blamed for the mother's faults.

Precisely! And as mentioned, it would have a good chance of the OP getting pressured into doing more and more on her own time, when the actual mother didn't feel like it.

The post you quoted wasn't posted by the OP.

Why must she be joking? What's wrong with her mum looking after her toddler so that she can go to the gym three times a week?

It's not like she's asked her step-son's mum to do it.

It depends on the relationship. ISTR that the OP mentioned other problems upthread.

I told my my husband's ex that she was welcome to attend his funeral. I would have agreed that her current BF attend with her, but we we were under lockdown restrictions and numbers were limited, so he waited outside the crematorium for her. However, her behaviour before and after the funeral was unacceptable. (I'm not speaking about the actual day of the funeral.) I finally snapped about a month later and my husband's children - well over 50 have gone no-contact.

I understand their decision. Their mother has to come first for them.

The poor kid.

i doubt she couldn’t get out of work. The fact she’s informed you at the last minute and expected you to pick up the pieces!

There were a lot of options here.

1. SS and grandparents get a taxi
2. Either parent defer their extra work for an hour or so to support
3. Ask parents of a friend from the club
4. Change your PT day and take the toddler so your mum might do the other day
5. Step dad the other side go along with his kids.

We've got 6 adults here, none of whom prioritised the boy, as well as a raft of friend options that could have been explored. I don't think you're more culpable than any of the others of course, less so than the parents, but I do think it's extremely sad that everyone is happy to waste time fighting instead of putting in a few hours for something that's important to the kid.

GRex · Today 15:23

We've got 6 adults here, none of whom prioritised the boy, as well as a raft of friend options that could have been explored.

The main point is this:

The boy's mother knew well in advance. Despite knowing well in advance, she didn't tell his father.

Despite knowing in advance, she didn't book time off work.

Despite knowing in advance, she decided to dump the job on step mum, with no notice and called he unreasonable for not dropping her plans and losing money.

Sometimes work gets tricky, we can't know that mum knew everything in advance. If it was an important presentation then you would expect an involved dad to actually know about it. You would expect mum or dad to offer grandparents money to take a taxi, call friends from the club, etc. Given that the actual relatives seem useless, it's a shame for the boy that the step parents don't care either. Not that this step mum should have to fill the gap (and certainly not doing more than mum and dad), just a shame.

The boy's mother knew well in advance. Despite knowing well in advance, she didn't tell his father.

So it's her fault he didn't know & therefore book time off?