Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Well, I consider my DSS (over 50 btw) my son and he behaves like one. I am also aware that he has a mother and a stepfather. I have met them on several occasions and they came to my DH's funeral (I specified I was fine with this to make sure no-one worried about it). MY DSS puts himself out for me and I would put myself out for him and his children, who are never anything but kind to me. I have acted in this way since I married my DH 28 years ago. I don't understand people being so difficult about family relationships in the way OP is. Of course I would take the child to his special event, even if it inconvenienced me. How not? He's family.

Poor kid. 9 years old and not one adult could be arsed. I would have taken him. The same if a friend or relative had asked me. Not because I owe anyone a favour, but because I would have wanted to be kind to a child who would have wanted to go to an event with his friends and football team. Of course, the parents should be the ones taking him, but at the end of the day, the only one who missed out is the child. What a bunch of mean adults he's surrounded by.

Then you don't understand about step-parenting. I am a step-mother, and thus a step-grandmother. I don't behave like the OP.

They could have both asked the other parents in the football team for help

If she's calling you selfish to you directly then say yes I am taking care of myself I have every right to

No reason why her parents couldn't have taken him in an Uber?

Interesting point!! Yes why should you only do the shit bits and not the nice bits them get criticized for not treating the kids equally?
To be fair wouldn't want my exes gf and my sons nursery stuff but I'd never dream of expecting her to do favours or help me

Yup, she's right. You're selfish and probably not cut out to be a stepmum.
No wonder there's a blended family bashing thread at the minute.

I was unfair to @iamiam9
Apologies

This I deeply agree with!

Apparently it’s you that doesn’t. A stepparent has no legal relationship to their stepchild. They may choose to take on responsibility for them, but they by no means have to.

No one said you had to ‘behave like the OP’, but equally the OP doesn’t have to behave like you.

Me too! With all the misery in the world, perhaps showing kindness would have appreciated… you are all family after all

Why isn't the step dad selfish for cancelling his plans?

@Grammarnut since the boy's mum picks and chooses what OP can and can't do and how much responsibility she has, so can OP.

You can't have it both ways.

@NowImNotDoingIt

Because in the real world at least, work trumps the gym. As a one-off anyway.
And people shouldn't get involved with partners with kids if they can't step up for them.

The step dad wasn't working. He was seeing his kids. They could've all gone to the event since they're a family and what not, right?

I don't think it's an issue of the boy being bottom of the list. I think it's the attitude and expectation that she has to do what she's told by husband's ex partner or take the fallout.
She's a grown woman who doesn't have to do anything. If she's treated with kindness and respect I'm sure she would drop stuff to help. But there's a totally different dynamic here and one in which she's pushing against.
I speak from experience. In the same position. Have to do everything and once I have done it all and more, I get criticism and abuse. Never a thank you. If I say no the ceiling comes down.
Gets very tiring after a while. So I get where this lady is coming from.

You had plans, she can't expect you to drop everything. She should have just said to work, "Sorry I can't stay because I have no childcare" ... ignore her; not your monkey, not your circus

People will do as they wish.

It’s up to the parents to step up. If they have to work then it’s unfortunate but they won’t be able to take their child. Stepparents aren’t there to pick up the slack for the actual parents.

Don't get me wrong. I love my step-kids fiercely and they've told me that love me too (teens).

I get on really well with their Mum - we all go to school events together, Christmas plays, I make sure the kids buy Mothers/Fathers Day cards. You get the gist - no aggro. But would their Mum appreciate if I called them my children? No! I can choose to love them as family but they have an actual Mum.

Thing is, my DSC Mum and my DP always communicate well, they share information about their kids and they don't miss out on special occasions. And they certainly wouldn't lay the blame on me if they messed up.

OP isn't being difficult - Mum didn't bother to tell anyone about her sons football presentation and she failed to plan appropriately so that she could bring him but now calls OP 'selfish' because she didn't cancel her plans at the last minute, for an event she wasn't even invited to! Yeah right.

Same

That's for them to work out, not you. If it were THAT important, one of them would have sorted it. It's on them.

YANBU.

Goodness me it's a 9 year olds football presentation, it's not like he needed to go for life saving surgery! It's good for him to learn that adults wont always necessarily be able to drop work or other commitments for his hobby.

No wonder so many men are so entitled with the attitudes on this thread. So many people berating the woman for attending her PT appointment and judging the mum for needing to stay late at work. We must be raising a(nother) generation of spoiled males if this thread is anything to go by.

Well said, @muggart

There's nothing to be gained by letting these kids think their every move is the centre of the universe. It's just a kiddie football thing.

As you say, no wonder boys and young men grow up thinking they take preceden, and women's needs are expendable.

Champers66 · Yesterday 18:55

You’re not being unreasonable as such, but maybe a little selfish. I’m sure your one day at the gym would have been ok to miss to take the bairn to his presentation.

I see your point here, but the boy's mother knew well in advance and didn't bother to arrange time off. She then gave the OP no notice and expected her to drop her plans, which is plain ignorant.

And there's the notion that she'd just use her like that in future, saying, "She did it last time and the time before, I can't afford time off / my car's broken. Selfish cow!"

YANBU. Mum or dad should've taken the day off or half a day so they could attend their son's presentation. They knew the date and time. You're not in the wrong. The boy was let down by his parents.