Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

So step parents (or is it just mothers) should eternally put their lives on hold and cancel plans whenever the step kid needs it?

Why couldn't the step father rearrange/change HIS plans?

There’s going to be times when a child’s two parents may have difficulties with certain events/etc and the step-parent will need to step in.

What about kids in a nuclear family? Guess what? They miss out. It happens.

Grandparents could of called a cab to take him, if money is an issue the parents could have reimbursed them.

Exactly. It seems like there was no big excited fuss made about his upcoming presentation, which both of his parents should have been aware of and planned for it. Yes the dad could have found these things out for himself, but if the mum decides to be of that mindset then she’s probably cutting off her nose to spite her face and as this has all proved her ds was left in a vulnerable position.
I have no problem with sharing important dates with my children’s father. I care more about solid plans being made for the benefit of my children, than scoring points just because technically their father can find out for himself. It’s such petty behaviour, and it lands you in shit like this mum did. And it’s not up to the stepmum to come to the rescue when she has her own plans when she was non the wiser about her stepson’s important event.

The only two people who I think aren’t in the wrong here are OP and the stepdad. The stepdad had arrangements with his own children and OP had plans to go to the gym, and plus she didn’t know anything about it until the mum decided she needed her to conveniently slot in at the last minute. Usually she isn’t even invited or wanted.

I was wavering to your side until this comment.

”chose work over her son”

uhm. Her sons father, your dp , also chose
work, but that’s ok isn’t it?

it was a one off presentation, YABU.

Presumably she married him because of him, not because he had a child and she desperately wanted to be a stepparent. Despite what you may like to believe, a stepparent is under no obligation to ‘step up’ when a parent won’t. Nor are they under any obligation to take responsibility for their stepchild/ren.

A constant theme on MN, neither parents should step up and adjust their planned known schedules, but the hapless stepmother should drop everything last minute to step in.
Batshit.
Well done to the OP for not giving in.
She clearly has put herself out before but gets abuse for saying no this time.
I hope it is a real lesson for her to not entertain either parent again.

If you can afford £120 a week on PT sessions (£480 pcm), you can afford to miss one of them to take a child to an event that was really important to him but he had to miss through no fault of his own. I think it's really mean of you. It sends your SS the message that you don't see him as part of your family and don't care about him. I wouldn't have seen it as a waste of £40 but a fantastic opportunity to build a relationship with a child who's going to be part of your life for a long time - not forgetting they are your child's sibling! Why wouldn't you want to be part of something special in his life?

She could have paid for a taxi for his grandparents to take him or phoned one of the other parents and said could be tag along with them till she got there. She shouldn't get on her high horse if people don't comply to her wishes.At the end of the day it was short notice.

Nope. Stepparents don’t have to take on any responsibility for their stepchildren.

Football presentation on a Wednesday in October??

Having experienced many (MANY) years of football presentations with my nephews, football presentation evenings tend to be Friday evening/Saturday evening/Sunday afternoon in June/July, not random Wednesdays in the middle of October...

Totally not the point of the thread, I know, but missing one match is vastly different to missing a presentation evening. Neither of which are the responsibility of SM to get the child to.

Poor kid .. not one person the direct, or indirect, family are prepared to go out of their way to support him.

This is exactly the kind of incident that sticks with you as an adult.

Listen, the fact that she is calling you selfish and throwing around the insults when u don't dance to her tune, tells me everything I need to know.
It's absolutely nothing to do with you.
She asked, u said no. That's fine. Ur allowed to say no. Her getting nasty with u, just shows which way the wind is blowing. Definitely stand ur ground.
She needs to show u respect. And ur husband too.

Exactly. The Stepmum isn't not the only person on the planet who could have taken him to the presentation if it was that important to her.
Ridiculous.

Actually, maybe because of her experiences, OP will be respectful of other people’s time. This will give her the ability to realise that they have lives that don’t revolve her child. Lots of parents from first families in particular just don’t have that quality in them and this is why this mum and dad are a pair of cheeky fuckers.

Yanbu. Mum should have told work no ir paid taxi for grandparents to take him once it transpired dad and you could not help at last minute. Really she should have told you both in advance so dad could attend. She is blaming you but this is just anger that son has missed out due to her work. It will blow over.

I dont have step kids but if my neice or nephew were missing out on ceremony i would have helped at the expense of pt session. We are very close though. I would have done it then told sister to be more organised/give more notice next time.

Yanbu you are not responsible for the Mum being stuck at work. It’s her responsibility to become unstuck, not yours to change your plans.

Absolutely agree. I 100% would have gone, poor boy

Yabu you could have made an effort for something special. Selfish.

Of course it's her problem. The SS is presumably her DC's half-brother or at least step-brother. He's part of OP's family. Behaving as if he is not is deeply weird.

And the grandparents could have taken him in a taxi, or made arrangements for someone they know to drive.

As others have pointed out, this occurred on a night that the ex was responsible for the boy. It's on her if he missed some sort of special event, not on the OP.

Step mothers can't do right on MN. They aren't supposed to discipline/parent the kids in any way but are expected to drop everything for them. It makes me glad DH's children were adults when we got together so I didn't have to do anything for them as no doubt it would have been wrong.

If it was such an important event, THEY should have been there regardless, this shouldn’t be put on you, they chose work over it. Yes it would have been nice if you went with your Partner if he was able to attend but they should have been making the effort to be there for their Son. I’m sure they know this but it’s easier to make you feel crap than admitting they should have attended.