Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

The thing what annoys me most is that if OP was doing the same thing as what the stepdad is doing (spending time with his children), she would have got an absolute pasting on here for it.

I'd have taken him op Shame you've prioritised a gym session over your step son.
I have a football mad child these events are so important to them. Yes it's unfair you were asked as a last resort due to circumstances and his actual parents should have prevented that but you had an opportunity to make a difference for that child and didn't and that's dreadfully sad.

I feel sorry for the kid, I personally would have taken him and rescheduled my gym appointment or skipped one this week as a one off.

Maybe you/ ex/ DH need to get some sort of calendar app that his mum can add stuff too so you are all aware in advance and can sort out who is going to which event. Saves the son missing out on future.

Maybe the actual parents should have thought of that earlier? Seems pretty standard.

Yes i agree. And also with the other posters pointing out the same. My dd and her ex co-parent very successfully with a shared calendar. There are occasional glitches but in the main they both know about things well in advance. They both want what is best for their child.

Wild how that’s supposed to tug on OP’s heartstrings more than those of his actual parents.

OP had plans. Said plans may be less important to mumsnetters but they were important to OP and she was right to prioritize that. She organized her own childcare in advance so she could have that ‘me time’, and it’s not on her to accept someone else’s failure to organize themselves as her responsibility.

Yes, it sucks for the kid, but that isn’t on her. She’s not there to pick up the parenting slack for her husband and his ex.

Oh get over yourself please.

The child has a mum and a dad and grandparents.
Any of them could have prioritised their time for this poor kid.

Absolutely not your problem.
Stop being obliging.
It is a thankless job.
She didn't bother telling his father to keep him away from it.
It bit her on the arse this time.
OP, keep your distance and keep her blocked.
Don't be guilted by your husband.
This is not your child.

By her calling you names, you have solid proof how little your help is appreciated.
Stop doing ANYTHING for her and cite those texts as the reason.
Keep her blocked too.

There is no legal relationship. She is a stepmother because she married her step-son's father but she has no legal rights or responsibilities for her step-son.

Any care that she wants to give to her SS outside her DH's responsibilities as a father is entirely at her own discretion.

I presume because this was happening during her step-son's time with his mum. If it was during his time with his dad (3 days per week), I assume that OP's husband wouldn't be working or would have made some other arrangements for child care.

Why didn't the mother book the afternoon off or let the dad know in advance?

Why didn't the dad leave work or put his name down at school/clubs so he knows what's going on?

Why didn't the step dad change his plans?

Why didn't the grandparents take a taxi and mum/dad/both pay for it?

Why is it all on the OP?

6 adults involved with this child, but somehow OP is the wicked step mother?

Op obv isn't coming back to answer some of the questions I said and others

Mainly being

Why didn't the dad know if it was important to his son

The dad should have contacted the football coach to get all important dates /get emails /texts

The mum could have texted the dad to say wow henry has a presentation can you make it in 2w time

The son at 9 should have told both parents if important to him

How far away was it - 30m in taxi would have been a cost both way but if was 5/10mins why didn't they do that

Yanbu, stepparents being held to a higher standard than the actual parents, as usual.

Something as important to the child as a presentation the parents should have made time for. It’s not up to you to pick up the slack. The kid probably wouldn’t have wanted you there anyway, he’d have wanted his Mum and/or Dad.

There’s going to be times when a child’s two parents may have difficulties with certain events/etc and the step-parent will need to step in.

Nope. The 2 parents can sort it between themselves, like other divorced/separated parents do when there aren't new partners in the mix.

Why?

Because step-mum said no, she has existing plans. And it's not her responsibility to sort if if she doesn't want to.

And again, don't see the step-dad getting a hard time for saying no on here...

You were absolutely right to draw your boundaries and make it clear that you are not the fall-back guy for anytime the actual parents of the kid fail to parent. There is no way you should feel guilty, it is not your responsibility.
It is bad enough to be the "reliable" backstop when it is your own kids, so the other parent gets to take you for granted!
I hope you had a good gym session. Stick to your guns.
If it were me, I would tell them that anytime they need me to step in to look after SS, they need to give me enough advance notice to rearrange my own plans. CFs!

YABU. What's the point in being a step-parent if you won't step up when your step-child needs a favour? (ignore the pun). There's literally no point in having a child with a man who already has a child if you're not going to do that. Especially if you have been in the child's life for some time.

AlllSeeingEye · Today 18:05

YABU. What's the point in being a step-parent if you won't step up when your step-child needs a favour?

She had other plans and so did his parents. His mother asked step mum to step in, with no notice, despite her knowing about the event in advance.

In the mind of the child's mother that will probably be exactly what happens! Not saying she's right, she should have made sure that the boy's father knew about this presentation in plenty of time to make arrangements, but I was just being pragmatic.

Football is a team sport. Couldn’t he have organised a lift with another player? That’s what we would have done in our family, although as a parent I would have prioritised taking him over working if at all possible.

Plan A: Mum books time off to take him.
Plan B: Dad gets told about it and books time off to take him.
Plan C: step Dad takes him.
Plan D: step Mum takes him.
Plan E: Grand parents use taxi and take him.
Plan F: Friend who is also going takes him.

And yet he still couldn't go. Seriously? Poor lad. The parents need to get their arses into gear for the next presentation.

There's always the option of being better prepared, communicate with the child's father and have alternative plans in place. So if it was OP's child, she might do ok.

I'm a step parent and it's step parents like you that give us all a bad name Od have taken him ! shame £40 is more to you than your stepson is worth

You’re not being unreasonable as such, but maybe a little selfish. I’m sure your one day at the gym would have been ok to miss to take the bairn to his presentation. If you take a man with a child from a previous relationship, be prepared to make sacrifices like you would with your own child. I hope your own child is in this situation at some point so you can see how it feels. Selfish AF.