Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

The child would probably want their actual parent there over their stepmum. I'm a step mum I'm not some kind of consolation parent.

No doubt but they'd want a family member over no one at all.
Poor kid must feel so unsupported. I couldn't have done it to any child of my family.

Ex-wife doesn’t ‘tell’ your DH about presentations and things? Why should he need to be told? He needs to message the football club and request that they include him in all news updates. Pathetic otherwise.

I'm kind of on the fence with this one.

On the one hand, I feel really bad for the kid who missed out on his presentation night, especially if he won an award. He missed out on the excitement of hearing his name called out and getting the award presented to him and getting his photo taken etc. Really disappointing to find out after the event. And maybe there were sweets and goodies on the night.

On the other hand, he has two biological parents and they should have prioritized the event. I don't know why his DM had to work late. I'd have more sympathy if she works in a medical setting and couldn't get out on time. I'd have a lot less sympathy if she was just disorganised and didn't leave work on time.

You said your DH didn't know about it and only found out that afternoon. So, he needs to make it his business to know about these things. He needs to give his contact details to the leaders of the sport and explain that he's separated and would like to be added to the Whatsapp group (or whatever means of communication they use) so he knows what's happening. Same with school and anything else his son is involved in.

If it was me, I'd probably have cancelled the gym session but I'd have felt pretty resentful.

You don't know they are "biological parents" so I don't know why you've used that term.

I do get what you’re saying. But really if I know about something important that’s coming up for my children, I do tell their dad.

Why would it be stepdads responsibility, anymore than it’s stepmums?
It sounds as if she shouldn’t have got involved with someone who had children already.

Because it was all very short notice, I would have only taken him if I didn't have plans. But ou did have plans, so I wouldn't expect you to have taken him. If she was really bothered about it, she would have booked half a day, to ensure she got there on time. She could have paid for a taxi for her parents to take him.If she had told ss dad, perhaps he would have booked it off work? The ex has a partner, he could have taken him? Poor planning all round It's a shame he missed it, but seems to be due to poor planning and last minute thoughts. Why it fell to you, I do not know?!

In this particular case, because the OP's step-son was on his mother's time (I can't think of the right terminology, but it wasn't one of the OP's husband's nights for looking after his son), so if anyone should have stepped in, it should have been his step-father. I think the main thing is that the OP is being berated by her DH and his ex for not stepping up, but the other step-parent involved isn't.
I agree with the poster above who says the parents should have a shared calendar, but it also sounds as if either the child's mother doesn't want the child's father to know about everything that goes on during the time her son is with her, or that the child's father isn't interested in what happens to his son when he's not with him. Either way, this is not the OP's responsibility, it's down to the boy's parents, who seem to be doing a poor job of co-parenting and then expecting the OP to bail them out.

You’ve got to draw a line somewhere. Did you put yourself first? Yes. Are women, especially step mothers, ever allowed to do that? Apparently not.

Yep. I’m a legal assistant - have been for 20 years. Worked in all departments, including for two senior partners. Never been “stuck at work.” Neither has anyone else there. Legal assistants don’t need to work into the evening by necessity. It was a choice.

I agree their parents should have but at the end of the day work is work. A hobby done 3 times a week versus a one off so a child isn't disappointed? I'd feel awful personally.

I agree with others in that, if she does it once, it'll become an expected behaviour. She'll always have to sacrifice her time, to save theirs.

Your title puts the view point from you towards the mother

To me I would have done it for the child,

I would not put am exercise class over my own child for this event so would not do it for a step child

It has nothing to do with the ex to me

The ex’s parents could have got a taxi paid for by mum and dad.

i don’t see why you should have cancelled your session last minute.

Because he is helping out his wife? The one who is working late. She is the one who was supposed to go. He could have done her a favour rather than expecting the OP to help her out. By the sounds of it she isn’t nice to the OP.

Exactly. But the OP is a woman so everyone expects that she cancel her plans. And when she doesn't, the child's actual parents are annoyed she didn't. It's such BS.

The parents could have paid for a taxi and sent the boy with his grandparents.

Great post.

I'm surprised that neither of the parents were able to get in touch with another child's parents who were going to the presentation, and get him a lift with them.

I also wonder how much a taxi for the ex wife's parents would have cost. Perhaps not more than the c.£40 that OP would have been out of pocket by if she'd have ditched her PT session. I presume one of them could have picked up DSS and GP after the presentation.

ExW can't have it both ways. Either the presentation was big and important enough that DH should have been informed and invited with notice, or it wasn't a big deal enough to inform and invite DH so she can't then get mad at him or OP for not being available last minute. Perhaps ExW needs to be more assertive with work and have told them that she couldn't stay late due to prior commitments.

Well, I think this is selfishness to an nth degree. The poor lad's parents were unable to take him - and clearly, this wasn't just a match/practice as there was a presentation, so was important to him.
But you were not prepared to miss one of your thrice-weekly gym sessions to help out? Because you have a job and a toddler and you need 'me' time?

Jesus, step-parenting here on MN appears not to have moved on from Cinderella. Why do step-children get such a hard time?

Jesus, step-parenting here on MN appears not to have moved on from Cinderella. Why do step-children get such a hard time?

It's more like if the step mother (and only the step mother, step father gets a pass) doesn't drop everything for the children they are immediately the wicked witch of the west. But they mustn't actually parent the child, they are only the step mother.

I'm amazed at how many people don't seem to know the difference between a gym class and a PT session!

OP you sound like you're between a rock and a hard place. "Should have" cancelled one of your measley 3 hours of pre-planned and costly self-care a week because SS should have been prioritised by one of his parental figures and yours was the commitment that could have been cancelled with least severe consequences (and handily none at all to exW).

At the same time this is a pattern for exW not to inform DH of things in advance, and of expecting OP to pick up shit she has dropped last minute, while reserving the right to slag her off when she does other nice things for the kid. I too would put up boundaries so that exW couldn't continue to treat me like her lackey while having such an obvious problem with me and disdain for me. I agree that if you cancel PT for this one time that instantly becomes the expected norm in exW's (and possibly DH's) mind, and today's kindness will be abused for future purposes.

Meanwhile the poor kid didn't get to attend his presentation due to his mum's behaviour and OP needing to stand up to that. I do feel for him and hope that him missing out doesn't become the norm, for his sake. That sort of thing can be damaging.

If it was so important, Mum should have taken him!

he isnt her kid how dare she do this or that, but I can't take him to school tomorrow morning can she?" over the years.

this is spot on from OP and likely many many women with step kids, you've to be a skivvy, have no say and never speak up.
There were 4 other adults that could have changed their plans , this is not on OP.

Why didn't her partner cancel his plans?

Should have put this in the op!

Why is the man exempt from scrutiny?

Why didn't the "poor lad's" father have this in his diary? Why didn't the grandparents use a taxi? Why didn't ex-wife's husband change his plans?

Why was this on the OP???