Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

If she keeps springing things then they need a shared calendar.

FFS, it’s the specific point of this thread. He was and still is a dad to me in every possible way other than DNA.

This clinches it for me. YNBU.

My late husband's ex would phone him for help if she was stuck with something, in spite of the fact that she had a partner (her Affair Partner). That only stopped when my husband had his stroke.

At one point, the ex was supposedly on her own, after her AP and then her next partner died. I felt sorry for her - the adult kids lived miles away and - even though one of them had been able to retire early - there was no offer of help when she needed someone to volunteer to take her to hospital for a procedure.

Like a fool, I volunteered. I also told the kids not to worry - I'd not see their mother stuck if she needed help.

There was supposedly gratitude, but we found that DH and I were missed out of important family events. (Partly, I think that it was because they'd have to allow for my DH's disabilities.)

I finally cracked about a month after DH's funeral. They're no longer in contact with me. My one regret is that I didn't blow up sooner.

I feel a bit sorry for the DS, OP, but if you'd given in this time, they'd just expect you to keep putting yourself last.

If she is married to the boy's father then she is in a legal relationship with the child. The child suffered because the three adults in his life couldn't/wouldn't sort their schedules out when it was an important event for him. They are all selfish.

Is she really in a legal relationship with the child? (I'm asking - I genuinely don't know.) I thought that it was only a legal relationship if she adopted the child: or do you mean because of custody arrangements?

I was my husband's second wife, but his children were adults when he and his first wife broke up, so have never had to deal with this aspect.

The real point is that the two parents are too selfish to communicate with each other effectively, to both know what is going on in their child’s life and prioritise it.

Neither the op nor the step dad having alternative plans are the root issue here.

No, that’s not how that works. Being married to the child’s father means she has a legal relationship with the father, it doesn’t endow her with any parental responsibility for the child. That remains entirely with the parents.

This is only the “real point” because the OP doesn’t regard the child as equal to her own. If she did then the/ another parent being unexpectedly stuck at work requiring the sacrifice of a single gym session to take a child to a sports event would just be part of normal family life. But we’re never going to convince each other because our starting assumptions about stepchildren are poles apart. Night.

Maybe it’s something she should also consider too. Depending on how she wants her relationship with her step-son to pan out.

Step mother isn't a legal relationship. It doesn't confer rights or responsibilities.

Stuck at work? I thought you were going to say she's a brain surgeon or something.

Why is the step dad more responsible than the step mum!

Why does any parent or step-parent need to put the child first at all times? The boy missed out. Big deal. It’s football. He’s 9. There will be other occasions. The time and people to have put him first was when his parents were going through problems.

The child's parents owe him care and responsibility. And they failed him.

OPs entitlement to go to her class does take precedence over her DH and his exW's last minute demands. They should have planned to be there for their son. Where was their duty to nurture their own child?

FWIW, my DSCs are not my children. And their mum would go ballistic if I dared claim them as my own children!

Poor child.
Mum is unreasonable because she should have made him the priority over work - if she was expecting to be able to take him- she should have said she wasn't able to stay late as she had family commitments.

If I was you, I'd definitely have taken him. 3 nights a week of "me time" is a whole lot, I don't personally know of any parents who get that amount of me time and I'd absolutely have given up going to the gym for a child's event. Not to benefit the mother, but for the child because the alternative was that he was the one who missed out.

Of course you weren’t being unreasonable. If it was important to him then one of his parents should have inconvenienced themselves to make it work, but neither of them did. Therefore it becomes much easier for them not to think of themselves as selfish and put the blame on step mom. There’s so many of these sort of posts …

Fair point. A previous poster said it cost them £40 for personal trainer, but that does not necessarily mean it cost OP so much.
In any case she may have been able to re-arrange her session, or the cost could have been covered by parents. Not a huge sacrifice to make to enable child to attend their presentation.
If the mother was a legal secretary and had to prepare paperwork e.g. for urgent Court hearing I can see she could be stuck at work.

Poor kid.

No way in hell would I prioritise my regular hobby over a child's presentation/happiness.

I agree that it's outrageous that neither parent bothered to book tie off work in advance, then expected YOU to pick up the slack. And more so that they are blaming you for their lack of planning and THEIR son missing out, because of their laxity.

Fuck 'em.

Leaving work is not the same as giving up one gym session. It's not always easy or straightforward to leave a job in the middle of something, gym sessions are often cancelled with no hard feelings. Who needs three gym sessions a week anyway? I'm all for 'me time', we all need that and I certainly did but the op could have had that on another occasion and done something else.

She shouldn't even be asking you. And then to have a go when you're busy? How embarrassing for her. Of course you care about your own kids more. She should be embarrassed. The kid has two parents who are alive and seemingly well. Just like a "nuclear family". She needs to get over herself

Poor kid neither of their actual parents could be bothered enough to book time off work in advance

You're making stuff up. Stepmother isn't any sort of responsibility to a child. And I agree the child "suffered" (they'll get over it) because their TWO parents couldn't sort it out

Exactly!

I agree their parents should have but at the end of the day work is work. A hobby done 3 times a week versus a one off so a child isn't disappointed? I'd feel awful personally.