Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

I would have taken him IF she had paid for the missed gym session with the PT which still would have had to be paid for. Up front.

If not, she could have paid for an UBER/Taxi for her parents to take him.

Wait. So her own partner wasn't expect to change his plans but you were?

Wow

I would've taken my DSS without thinking, not because of my DP, or keeping things sweet, but because I love him and care about his happiness.

But we don’t know what the partner’s plans with his own children were. Was it just a chill out night or a planned and paid for cinema trip.

I'm finding myself unreasonably agitated by this thread, given I'm not a stepmother or a stepchild 😂. I think it's this idea that all woman should be martyrs to all children: won't anyone think about the chillllldrrrrren??

It's such bullshit. This child has two fit and healthy parents, two grandparents and yet SHE is being singled out. It's the EXPECTATION that the woman in this scenario should efface herself entirely, prostrate herself at the feet of this child. It's nothing to do with the boy, I'm sure he's a lovely little thing. It's all the voices having a go at her for NOT being a martyr when the people who should have been looking out for him failed to do so. Two wrongs don't make a right, no. But why focus on this? Why not focus on why the mother couldn't have told her boss "sorry I can't, I've got no childcare" (she's the assistant, not the lawyer)? Why not focus on the dad who could have told his boss "sorry, I'm having a childcare emergency, I need to leave early"? Because it was "only" the gym? Fuck that. OP has organized two other adults to look after her child so she can have precious time to stay healthy. She didn't organize her parents to look after her child so she could look after someone else's child (which the mother has made clear her son is to OP). It's rank hypocrisy and deeply unfair. The child went without because he's got shit parents. Not because his stepmother didn't cancel her plans at the drop of a hat.

You mean like a planned and paid for PT session which involves an actual person rather than an appointment with a screen?

Edited

No I mean something that makes the children happy.

@Onlyonekenobe I couldn't have put it better. Spot on.

I quoted her post. She said “I wouldn't have booked one in the first place because I'd have known about it and made sure I could go.”
But she also said that they’re pre-booked and paid monthly for three sessions a week. She even (admirably) said she wouldn’t leave the trainer out of pocket if she had to cancel one. She just didn’t want to cancel this one.

@Popettypop yes I think everyone has gathered she's the step mother. Doesn't make her responsible and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty because his parents can't be arsed. In the scenario that these two parents still lived together and both decided to work, who would get the blame then?

Often on MN I read threads about selfish men whose hobbies come before family life while their wives are run ragged and I think to myself 1) how do so many men end up this selfish and 2) why do so many women have such low standards? well this thread has been enlightening.

Anyway YANBU Op. Of course you shouldn't have to drop your hobby night in favour of your DS's hobby night. it's good for him to learn that the women in his life won't bend over backwards to facilitate his hobbies at the expense of their own. He's probably over it by now already anyway.

As for the people judging the mum for staying late at work... i honestly have no words but I hope they are not raising sons.

I think it would have been kind to take him. I would have done and cancelled my gym session.

YANBU. Fine to ask but you did right not to cancel your plans and lose money.

She should have just arranged her parents to take him in a taxi, if it wasn’t worth the cost of that, it’s not important enough for you to cancel your plans.

All grownups in this situation are being unreasonable. Poor 9 year old boy missing out because 2 parents ante too busy and step mum is in the gym.

So why isn't this a thread about why the stepdad chose his bio kids over his step-kid?

And why is the children's happiness the #1 concern in this scenario? Do adults cease to count? (Yes, I have dependent children of my own)

Families have to have better back up than that. Why do adults always defend their right to choose but don't respect their responsibilities in the larger family unit. You're all parenting these children....100% I would have gone for him. I imagine you would have appreciated the help if the boot were on the other foot? Children matter, children's lives matter and so does their self esteem.

She isn’t responsible, so that would be why. If she chooses to assume some responsibilities then that’s entirely her choice, not something she’s actually obliged to do.

Op matters, as does her gym time. That his mother let him down does not mean he becomes OP’s priority, problem, or responsibility.

I think as a one off I'd have done it but you say it's part of a pattern her dumping on you and oh last minute. Add to that how dare you interfere with parenting but oh please can you do the school run etc I think saying no is fair.

I say this as both a step mum and mother of kids who have a step mum. I rarely get asked to do anything for my step kids. I initially I was asked to cover sick days and I did but once I was put in my place that I can't influence parenting decisions I completely checked out of their care when they were with us. I'd still have taken them to a presentation but I never get asked after I stepped back. I don't look like the bad guy for not doing stuff because it's not my remit. My own kids step mum has the utter piss taken out of her, my ex leaves all parenting to her, she drives and he doesn't so she does running around after the kids, she took a week off work to care for ds not ex. Now when she says no my kids get upset and feel rejected and I bet their dad gets pissed off she's said no. I repeatedly tell my kids what she does is above and beyond as really it's their dads responsibility not hers. They understand but still they feel rejected because of hey are so used to her stepping up.

Essentially I'm saying if you don't want them to be pissed off when you don't step up then don't let them expect that of you. Stop doing morning school runs if you are not an equal parent with decisions etc. I think I'm the only one who appreciates my kids poor step mum it's not fair to her and so many step mums are treated that way

@iamiam9

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.
So everyone was busy with their commitments and feel you should be the one to break your commitments

Fucking typical

You did nothing wrong

“SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening”

This has only really registered on rereading. OP doesn’t even now bother to know what she wasn’t willing to give up a gym session for. A match where the team had no subs and were left short? A presentation where her not-really son was getting an award?

Maybe I’m just unusually lucky to have grown up in a family where all three of us were equally important to my (step) dad (my siblings’ biological dad) but the idea of not being treated as an equal is quite disturbing.

Yes to a presentation, no to a normal football game. Sorry op yabu here

Exactly.

Why didn't the step-dad change plans and take his bio kids to the stepson's presentation? And then all out to McDonald's or something afterward? No one is having a go at him for not changing HIS plans.

Why on earth is the OP, out of six adults (counting the grandparents who can get a taxi) who declined to change their plans, being the one getting a hard time here?

Mumsnet is so weird about step-children.

It’s as if they’re aliens and second class citizens.

There’s going to be times when a child’s two parents may have difficulties with certain events/etc and the step-parent will need to step in.

Don’t get into a relationship with someone who already has children if you’re free unwilling to treat that child like your own. (Not directly at you OP, to anyone).

What about the boy's actual, you know, FATHER?