Rare few hours with husband at a spa... he hasn't asked me a single question

[SHAW82]

At a spa with my husband for a v v v rare few hours together without the kids. He's not asked me one question or shown any interest or curiosity. I have asked him questions and he's talked about himself. How does he expect us to connect?

Going places - new things to do and see tend to be good bring up previous place been together- meals less so - not sure about spas as not my thing.

I know exactly what you are saying, you can sense he’s not interested in you, if he was he would ask.

Even more annoying when he’s happy to talk about himself.

its a downward spiral, you resent him for not asking anything; you stop asking him anything, you stop talking. I don’t think it gets better.

Spas are meant to be peaceful/relaxing... leave him be.

I feel like you’re putting a lot of pressure on an afternoon out. Can you not just relax and have fun?

Putting the spa thing to one side if you feel he doesn't show enough interest in you, talks about himself a lot and responds happily to your questions but doesn't reciprocate then it's too one sided and he doesn't sound attentive or caring. My DH will sometimes yabber on about himself especially after a day out without me and I have to remind him to ask me about my day too. He always says "you could just tell me, I don't have to ask" but I disagree, it's important to show interest. Be solicitous now and then!

In a situation of relationship difficulties a spa / lunch seems ‘high stakes’.

(I recall disagreements with DH during rare meals out when the DC were small and we got little time together, when I got cross with him for talking mainly about work matters)

seems like you feel there is a wider problem with his interest in and treatment of you/communication approach, with this being the latest interaction showing that.

If you never get time child free op don’t take his silence personally.
He is probably enjoying the calm and letting his mind rest whilst
your squawking in his ear 😂😂
I word it that way because when my 3 dcs go to bed my partner uses that opportunity to ask me about my day etc. yea it’s lovely and considerate but often I just want to sit for half hour and really wind down. Then I can have a meaningful conversation he deserves.

I think you both just probably had different ideas of what the spa day was. X

It also can be, that not reciprocating questions to someone you care about, is a polite way to get across that you're not interested in chatting at the minute, without upsetting the person by saying so if they're over sensitive. We don't know OP, we don't know how she'd react if he said he wasn't really in the mood for chatting, nor do we know how long or brief his answers are.
When you live with someone, you tend to know all the mundane stuff about each other, so if you're out, the conversation does tend to be around other things than asking and answering questions about yourself.

You're at a spa..... supposedly for quiet and relaxation. Why do you want someone to be chattering away? I think I'm with your husband on this one, OP.

Is he offering this information up to you voluntarily or just answering your questions?

If he's offering it up voluntarily maybe he expects you to also just say what's on your mind too.

If he's just answering questions, maybe he's not in a talking mood and just wants to chill out but you keep asking questions.

I can see how that must be quite hurtful. But maybe he just doesn't realise?

Did you have high expectations for this outing because its so rare? Maybe its a good chance to discuss how you can consciously plan to get more time together and what you would like to do

Maybe that would set your mind at rest, but when youve had a good think about it perhaps it would be a way into raising the issue that he seems to have no curiosity - it needn't be done in a confrontational way, but calmly saying what kind of approach you'd like to see more of.

Best of luck. It is hard when you have so many DC responsibilities and everything is a mad rush...

I completely get how you are feeling, especially in the context of a relationship under strain. However if you want things to improve, you might want to avoid focusing on his faults and try and think about what he does bring to the relationship. (Perhaps this is not a great deal and what you are wrestling with, but still). Sounds like you want connection and a critical approach doesn’t facilitate that. I’m not excusing him at all - I think you should address this later - but just saying that it’s easy to magnify a bad behaviour like this and increase hurt feelings, instead of looking to magnify the parts that are good about someone.

So do mine. It's bloody annoying. A chatterbox. But I think he would shut up and relax at a spa because that is what you're supposed to do🤷‍♀️

Give him a list of questions then he will know what is expected of him.

I understand what you mean - my DP is like this. He’ll come home from work and I’ll be like “how was you day?” Cue ten mins of his moaning - but nothing back…. I think it’s just polite to ask or show an interest.

… and you’re on mumsnet ?

Really ? For most families / couples/ friends I know, 95% of the chat is about the “ mundane” things - themselves and their lives - their work / hobbies / family members/ friends / kids / parents / money / holidays etc .

When I meet up with my Friends or family that’s all we talk about - I’m impressed that you talk about 8th century Chinese pottery , the Manx language or underwater basket weaving.

Sorry that last comment was to @Demonhunter who said

“When you live with someone, you tend to know all the mundane stuff about each other, so if you're out, the conversation does tend to be around other things than asking and answering questions about yourself”

A spa isn't really a place for a deep conversion.

He probably just wants some peace.

Reminds me of a few years ago when I went for a relaxing massage and the lady doing it kept trying to chat and ask me questions. Same with getting a haircut. Rare child free time is time to decompress and relax
Not chat and answer questions.

Your DH should just tell you this though.

Op - it’s totally normal to want your husband to take an interest in you. It’s just selfish to talk about himself, and not ask about you in return.

Same 😂 I love to just chill with a book so I’ll pointedly say I’m looking forward to having time to read but often that’ll prompt chat about the story and the author and what DH is reading! Luckily he finds it funny not offensive when I eventually just tell him to shut up it’s quiet time 😂.

You've just reinforced my point. When you live with someone, that's what you talk about daily, not when you're having a relaxing time out somewhere. No need for loads of questions about yourself as the person you live with, should already know the answers.

If it's someone you don't live with or chat with daily, then yes, the conversation does tend to be about your daily lives.

Talking about current affairs or areas of interest with your OH isn't the pretentious thing you seem to think it is.

Plus if you're doing something that's meant to be relaxing for you both, doesn't need to include a string of questions about yourself.

What's he meant to ask?

"What do you do for a living?"
"What's your hobbies?"
"How many kids you got?"

I mean... If he asks questions you'll.moan he doesn't already know the answers.. 🤪

Its interesting because I talk the ear off my hubby for over 20 years, and he enjoys spending time with me, but come to think of it he never asks me questions...he doesn't need to I just say what I want to talk about? I ask him questions to help him open up but no need for him to ask me questions as I just chat away!

DH and I don't tend to ask each oher questions unless it is asking how his hospital visit went or whether he had a nice visit with his sister. We tend to volunteer information about ourselves, thus not necessitating the need to ask each other questions all the time.