Rare few hours with husband at a spa... he hasn't asked me a single question

[SHAW82]

At a spa with my husband for a v v v rare few hours together without the kids. He's not asked me one question or shown any interest or curiosity. I have asked him questions and he's talked about himself. How does he expect us to connect?

This is why the men who do ask women questions and listen to the answers are successful at dating.

Do you not talk about mundane stuff at home though? I don't think there's anything DP could ask me that would be of import, that he wouldn't already know. Do you not talk daily? Do you not update each other if something of interest has happened?

Why does it make her hard work to expect a normal conversation?

At this point is where I would have communicated.

Say this isn't an argument, I feel like this is a rare date for us so I'd like us both to enjoy it. I feel like I've been asking about you and I'd love it to be reciprocated. It's make me feel happy if you could. Thank you.

Unless you are feeling distant from your DH in general I wouldn't be concerned about a few hours of silence in a spa, indeed I'd welcome it. My DH loves to chat so a spa day in peace would be bliss 😂

I wouldn't really think of a spa as a place to chat. Out for a drink or a meal, yes. But maybe this is always a problem between you?

He obviously thinks that connecting means talking about important things like his life, opinions and feelings. If he was interested in you, he would ask.

I would have thought so. I wouldn't expect my husband to ask me questions. If there are things you want him to know just tell him.

He’s relaxing

This sounds like a case of crossed expectations.
Usually if I go on a spa day with people it's my girlfriends. We chat and catch up etc. If I want peace I go alone. So me going to a spa with DH I would be seeing it the same as you and a chance to connect. I'd be sat there overthinking why he wasn't connecting /making conversation etc.

DH would probably be sat in blissful ignorance having a relaxing time and thinking what a lovely day it was. For him (and I believe stereotypically a lot of blokes?!) the shared experience would be the bonding bit. Chat optional.

Probably haven't summarised that well, but basically trying to say enjoy the spa and don't overthink it. Most likely everything is fine and you'll wish you haven't worried!!

I thought this but we ended up in one because it was free with our hotel stay and we went to see what it was like. I was honestly shocked at how much he ended up enjoying it, far more than I did. Now we try to book them on purpose for him.

I hate talking at spas, it's somewhere I go to get away from people not to have a lively conversation about my innermost thoughts! Maybe your husband feels the same way.

I’m amazed at how many people seem to think that the OPs issue is that she wants to talk and her husband doesn’t . Even after she has clarified her concern. Which is < shouting for those at the back >

HE IS TALKING ALL ABOUT HIMSELF AND NOT SHOWING ANY INTEREST IN HER

What kinda questions are you asking him or what questions do you want him to ask you?

I personally think being in each other's company at a spa is a good enough way to connect, without asking questions. Last time I was at a spa with my other half I think the majority of our conversation was "oh my God this amazing" repeated over and over 🤣

I read OP's opening comment as "I have asked him questions and he has answered them." This implies to me that she is firing questions at him and he is answering them. To not answer them would be rude. It doesn't mean he's happy answering them or that he's jabbering away about himself.

I see a spa as a place to relax, not a place to have deep conversations.

I assume you also had a meal/a coffee break at some point during your joint day off and that it would be a better option to chat then.

My EX husband was like this never interested in asking me about my life or opinions. Happy to go on and on about things he wanted to talk about though

DH and I both enjoy an occasional spa day together, as it is a nice way to spend time together in a stress-free way. We do chat throughout the day. Not during treatments obviously, but while in the jacuzzi or sauna, if we're the only ones in there we chat away at a low volume. As do we during the lunch. I think that's normal because all the other couples and groups of friends on spa days do the same IME.

I'm going to disagree with most of the PPs, and say that I would also be a bit put out if DH and I spent the day together and he showed not one jot of interest in me. Especially if we hadn't spent any real time together in ages. DH is a big one for talking a lot about his job and hobby, but he'll also show an interest in mine too. I can see why you feel a bit miffed, OP.

I'm guessing you're not including "where's xyz" at least ten times a day.

Did he start the conversations?

Wow! So many responses, thank you.

To clarify:

I don't want to talk non stop in a spa environment either. We were having lunch and I felt a nice conversation there would be appropriate.

Yes we are generally struggling, so I had some hopes of connecting.

He was very happily chatting away at lunch about himself without encouragement, so I wasn't disturbing any sort of longing for silence.

I never said I wanted to talk about my 'feelings' just some sort of two way feel to the conversation.

Have you discussed it with him? I like peacefulness at the spa, maybe he is answering your questions to be polite but hoping you get the hint if he doesn't carry on the conversation.

If it was bothering you, why not ask him? I chat more than my dh. He doesn't tend to think too deeply about things but he will if prompted and we have great chats but generally they are initiated by me. I'm.ok with it, we are happy and it's a small thing that isn't a deal breaker.

Is this part of a wider issue? Do you feel he has lost interest in you? If so, why not talk about that with him and see what he says

If he is chatting away about himself, why don't you chat away about yourself? You don't need to be asked a question. Thinking about conversation between DH and I, it isn't a Q& A, we just talk, if there is something I want to talk about I will and vice versa, I don't wait to be asked. We are both journalists though so perhaps we are just sick of asking people questions.

I just think it's a rare opportunity to connect, which is much needed. Feel like he has no interest in me. Not sure it's deliberate but it has an impact.

I had this when kids were young and time we got together were really few and far between. Felt like all he did was talk about work and all I did was talk about the kids. I often felt more depressed afterwards and less connected.

It changed with time kids got older and we do more small things - local walks together more low key less pressured. Tend to enjoy the time we do have together a bit more.

So I think it's partly pressure you unintending put upon the limited time and possibly activity - not all are as good.

I think what the OP is clearly on about, is that lack of curiosity about her as a person which she is finding hurtful. That's what she means by questions, surely? This was a day for the two of them to relax together and bond a bit without the pressures of everyday life. She is making an effort to find out how he's feeling about stuff - he is not.

After a few years together, both partners do really need to make an effort to make the other one feel interesting and wanted and desired.