Rare few hours with husband at a spa... he hasn't asked me a single question

[SHAW82]

At a spa with my husband for a v v v rare few hours together without the kids. He's not asked me one question or shown any interest or curiosity. I have asked him questions and he's talked about himself. How does he expect us to connect?

I remember your previous post.

Obviously, this is not about the spa. This is about your persistent feeling that he doesn’t want to connect to you and that you don’t matter to him. If you were to say to him “Why aren’t you talking?”, he’d likely get defensive, maybe try to convince you this is not a problem at all, and then take some space/act off. He responds in this way because you do actually matter to him and he does want to connect to you. Maybe he’s just looking for a different kind of connection right now. He’s answering your questions because he wants to get it right for you and to make you happy, but maybe he’d just like to enjoy the spa together quietly. That’s connection for him.

I’d really recommend Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. All of this can be worked on. You don’t have to live with this feeling of not mattering.

Isn’t a spa more for relaxing? Perhaps he is trying to relax? I wouldn’t be expecting my partner to ask me aload of questions in general though, do you not communicate on a daily basis?

If you wanted a more chatty type of date maybe lunch or dinner would have been better?

This made me snort 🤣🤣

😂👍

There’s truth in this too. When dh talks it’s generally about himself or things relating to his work etc. I think he worries il start getting “deep” if he asks about me, but really it’s inherent selfishness on their part.

My dh tends to waffle on even if ask him a question that requires a two word answer, so I generally don’t ask!

You're 9 months in. Give it a few years🤭

Maybe he's thinking 'I do wish she would stop cross examining me when I want to just relax!'.
Just because you happen to be married doesn't mean there has to be a constant dialogue, aka wittering.

Maybe he's worried that, if he asks questions, you'll answer them.

I hate it when people yammer away at a spa. Mealtimes OK, but when you're trying to chill and someone's just blah, blah, blah, and its always utter bollocks too, nope just STFU already.

I’ve got two kids. I’ve had the very long term thing before. We split, but not for this reason. Because he also did always show an interest and ask about things about me. Because again, when I met him years and years ago, this was at the top of my list.

Men, if they are interested, will show it. Sorry you picked a guy who isn’t. But if you valued other aspects then you’ll have a chosen him for those.

I dislike chit chat in a spa. It’s a place for quiet relaxation for me. Could it be that?

Ditto. Love my DH. Only go the the spa without him. He likes to dissect and discuss all the minutiae of our lives. I just want silence + a fancy herbal tea

9 months?

Honeymoon period.

You wait.

He might want some quiet?

Next thing you know you are texting "we need bread".

I always wonder what married couples talk about, surely you already know everything about each other and what each other are doing. I wouldn't want to be talking about kids or work or friends etc

If I want conversation with my husband we go for a walk or for dinner or drinks. If we were at a spa I'd be so annoyed if he was peppering me with questions. I'd also be irritated if I was trying to relax at a spa and people nearby were chattering away.

What is it you want / need questioning on ?

what did you question him on ?

I was in the steam room once and two women came in yammering away. It totally ruined it for me and I had to leave.

I wouldn’t think too much of it at the spa. Maybe he was relaxing. What would happen if you went to dinner? Definitely pull him up on it if it’s a consistent thing though.

You women really have very very low standards.

Same. DH actually just got me a spa day for my birthday. It's just for me. He could in theory get a day pass and come with, but we both know it wouldn't be a real totally relaxing day with someone else's thoughts and needs and questions(!) to contend with.

Spas aren't for chats really, childfree lunch would be, but child free spa with your spouse is to relax and enjoy your own quiet space, alongside your loved one in this case.

We talk about current events, what podcasts we are listening to, different films we have watched, what holiday we fancy next year, house renovations we want to do, we gossip about friends.. Also kids stuff, timings for the coming week, what we are going to eat, what exercise we have planned this week, what's going on at work (not much, we bother get bored with work chat). Loads of stuff!

Exactly. To destress and chill out. No/minimal conversation

Why are you asking each other questions? D'you not talk otherwise? You're at a spa together, talk about something else than each other or about shared interests. It's not an interrogation fest/test about how much he cares about you. He's there, he cares.