To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

I had a similar situation with my 2 children ( I had an au pair because I worked full-time and they did not like me or my children dispite the fact that both of them were doing really well academically.
Another reason it might have been that I was born in this country so they excluded me, I could not be part of their ‘ gang’.

My both children did various clubs outside of school so they were able to socialise with other children.
Over the years I did manage to make friends with 2 mums one from my son’s class and the other from my daughter so keep going, I am sure you will manage to get there in the end.

I am a teacher, never knew what happens at the school gates 🥲

I was the school gate loner too! It didn’t start that way but after a few bitchy experiences I just broke away from the playground politic nonsense. These people are not that important honestly! As long as you are friendly it’s honestly not a big deal

so...... ever watched Motherland?
do you really want to be friends with the Amandas?

There may well be an element of knowing each other from nursery and you are an incomer. I wouldn't worry about it - find other ways to make friends. Your daughter may well develop her own friendships over time.

For what it's worth my most genuine friends are people I've met through my own interests, not people I only know because of my son (but I always worked and was never a school gate mum).

Hopefully this is way off the mark - but just mentioning as it’s something that happened with a child in my kids school. Many moons ago I might add. Child had a few episodes of head lice and it got mentioned between the other mums. Frustration really as they believed that was where their own Dc kept catching them. Mum and child in question became a bit marginalised by said other mums. So sad. It’s definitely worth checking it’s not that as they live in really clean hair. Hope I’ve not caused offence, just covering all bases.

Sorry to sound harsh,but stop appearing desperate. There's nothing more off-putting, as long as your child is doing well,and happy in school, why the longing? Do you have friends?

It's not very nice is it - been there, done that. It would be nice to be included but sometimes people are that far up themselves and I'm alright Jack that you end up bending over way further than you'd normally be prepared to bend.

Instead of wasting your energy on people who don't deserve it, spend the time doing mummy/daughter things - you'll get much more reward from her and you'll avoid all the bitchiness that schoolie mums engage in. It happens everywhere in all aspects of life and friendships usually come out of the blue when you least expect them. Just think, their kids will grow up to be just like them - you can swerve that & let her make her own friends x

I think the other Mum is lying on a presumption she has made due to her own feelings. She sounds highly unsociable, or she doesn't like you very much because she rejected your attempts at friendship.

The school-gate mafia can be difficult to put up with and contend with. You either need to be really ballsy and ask them if there are any groups you can join for dinners out and playgroups, or start your own coffee morning for parents outside of this group and don't invite them.

I tend to stay away from the school gate tribe because I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon and then eat them raw.

Maybe. But this is not the issue of the people in the friendship group to manage.

If people are threatened or upset at friendship groups being formed, as long as the group isn’t being hostile, then it’s on them to deal with it, not the people in the groups.

Why should people be expected to tone down or nullify a friendship with someone just because it puts another random person’s nose out of joint?

If you are inexplicably upset about the fact that mum A and mum B chat at the school gate it’s your problem not theirs.

What I am seeing is absolutely no empathy for the op. Just because you haven’t experienced it or seen it does not mean that it doesn’t happen. You are not there seeing it for yourself

@Bachboo

Just because you haven’t experienced it or seen it does not mean that it doesn’t happen.

Of course I have experienced it. Everyone has experienced being outside or on the fringes of a social circle!

But at some point people have to be adult enough to recognise that they can’t be best friends with everyone and having the grace to accept that other people have the right to form friendships which don’t include you. It shouldn’t be that difficult when you have your own children.

Isn’t the problem here that they don’t?

The op had never said she wants to be best friends with them. The mothers of her classmates have formed a group and excluded her and one other mum. What is so difficult about asking the OP if she would like to join them occasionally and why is that so hard for some posters to understand?

We all chatted etc outside the school gates, and went to the park in the summer. I did make one really good friend through 'school mums' and a couple of other quite good ones where we still all meet up as couples even though our kids are at sixth form now and went to different schools from year 7. But I know that's not always the norm. But we all knew each other by name and by sight, and well enough to chat while the kids played on the swings.

The main thing is to facilitate playdates for your DCs with their friends. If you don't make any friends yourself then that's fine, I'm sure you have your own. But it's nice to know who is who and have enough of a relationship for that sort of thing / parties etc.

I had sinilar situation with DS playgroup. I am new to the area and hwve no friends within 4 hours of here. Went to playgroup for 6 months and made a massive effort. All polite on face value and I exchanged numbers with 2 of the mums but they never rewpond to messages and never invited me to any outings and play dates. I want bothered u till a new person joined who they took right under their wing and took her everywhere and showed her Ali the places. That upset me. And it was sad as my DS was completely ignored.

Now I don't care if hav gotten used to being left out. For me it is becuase I wear a headscarf and I am the only Muslim Woman in the village.

It's probably the nursery thing. Are these mostly first children? Often the mums form a close group which can be hard to break into later on.

Oh that is such a shame if that is the reason! Our DC went to a rural village school and it was very white, middle England, but I'd like to think the parents would have been welcoming to more diverse groups of parents. Perhaps not? How horrible......

Or perhaps they are shy and a bit ignorant of other cultures? No excuse though, I'm sorry you are experiencing this and your poor DD. Could you have one last try and do a whole class birthday party (at home, or in a village hall) - where the Mums will have to come and watch their kids and maybe you'll get a chance to bond with a few? I know it really is a minefield for all new Mums, but could be an ice breaker?

Good luck whatever you do. I hope you manage to get enough of a friendship group to at least arrange playdates etc.

Nc for this but I could have written this word for word, yes its a shocker to learn that actually people dont grow out of playground behaviours. I even had one of them that I was friendly with and knew it was a shitty situation say... well its difficult to rock the boat as I don't want to be left out. Its classic mean girl behaviour, there will be an inner clique too and that controls them.
Its difficult when you want to protect your child but then Im only good friends with one of my primary class now and while I wish the others well it doesnt impact my life so I let it go and focused on the mums that hadnt been included. Actually a lot of the children of the popular mums were absolute terrors and will only get worse but then thats what you fet with parents like that.
Ive never judged on money... its not important to me what someone does or doesnt have, but I do have a chuckle that I know for a fact that we are significantly more wealthy than a lot of the clique but dont choose to spend our money on flashy chelsea tractors and barn conversions.
Try not to be too hurt and reframe it... you dodged a massive bullet... these people are either areholes or sheep

Why has it upset you? They sound like twats. They’d never be real friends anyway. You’re better off without them.

If that truly is the reason, then I wouldn’t want to join them anyway as it’s very judgemental. I suspect though that there is a simpler explanation such as the nursery group, but that’s still unfair to exclude you. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers, as one of the only full time working mums when my son was in primary, I was rarely included in anything, although they were all happy to watch me volunteer at school events in my little free time 🙄. I hope you and your daughter find ‘your people’ some way somehow.

How the hell do you know she's a better person you don't know any of them! Or the OP!

There's rarely rhyme or reason with school mum friends. in my DD school year (she's 20) she was excluded from the big group of other girls & to some extent I was also excluded from hanging out with their Mums too. I have no real idea why and yes, at the time, it was painful and felt personal. They all go away together now still and out for dinner too. That's life I guess. In my DS school year (he's almost 17) I had a nice big group of mum friends and it was great. I still regularly see lots of them even though kids are now all at different schools & colleges. I made a lot of effort with school mum friends over the years though - I would message & arrange nights out or meet ups for coffee. Maintaining a friendship group does take some effort 🤷‍♀️

I’ll add my two pence worth

my only child was in a class of 20. I moved 3 hours a week before she joined Reception (September in take). all but 1 other child had been in nursery. My dad made friends with this child so I made the effort to be friends with her parents. All went well for a term

it turned out this Mum was a horrendous social climber (based on her excitement of finding out how rich some parents were and her driving around the class list and checking out their homes!!!!)

she targeted those she considered wealthy. One day we had a play date arranged. I’d bought lunch and snacks and dad was very excited. 10 mins before they were due she phoned and said her dad was ill so had to call off. Wished her xx well and thought nothing of it. Took dddown to gym/leisure club for lunch and a swim to cheer her up. We were having lunch and in she walks with one of the seriously rich parents

she looked like a rabbit in headlights and skittles past me saying nothing. Now xx is upset so I decide to remove 4 year old dd from situation

i find out through two other Mums im now branded a stalker - honestly not making this up!!!

she spread crap about me being mentally unwell. I decided to say nothing and rise above it. The two other Mums who she approached thankfully didn’t believe her and to this day 19 years later are still friends. The rest of the class did for quite a while till they cusses her out. Made my dds life really difficult as she was excluded from so much including.a whole class Halloween party that 19 kids were invited to straight from school. That b*tch watched me carry a sobbing 4 year old past all her school gathered waiting for the minibus all excited about going to this party

the only thing that resolved it was they left the school and over time people realised I was actually ok! Dd best friend to this day is a girl who joined in year 2. (Both now in the same city a long way from us)

just let things organically happen op. The school pick up and Mums groups are a nighmare. Over time you will find your people be it at school or a club. I thought I’d made a friend but she turned out to be a nightmare. No friends was way better than that friend. I’m still in touch with three more Mums from primary via Facebook. It took time but we got there

sending you hugs as it’s a jungle out there

Excuse mistakes on train! For dad and xx read DD!!!

Do people actually hang around at the schoolgate?

I drop off my 4 year old son at the schoolgate and rush back to work. I don't talk to anyone, apart from a "good morning"" to his teacher who welcomes the children at the gate.

After work I pick him up from afterschool club. There's no crowds of people standing around as parents arrive at different times for the pickup.

I do exchange some smiles with familiar parent faces, but I have no idea who they are and I don't care.