To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

I don’t feel like other friends are a clique. I’m sure plenty of other nursery parents are friends and it doesn’t bother me.
My goal when I send my child to school is not to make friends, frankly that’s not on my radar at all. It’s incredibly bizarre that you think that’s smug.
Perhaps your attitude puts people off making friends with you.

Integrate with the boy mums, DD plays with the girls in school, when the boys all play football, but plays very happyily with boys on playdates

I have absolutely no idea who the “in” mums are at my child’s school. Beyond brief polite pleasantries, I have no interest whatsoever in socialising with them. Never have.

My child is now in y5 and it seems my utter disinterest in being friends with other mums has done nothing to impede their own friendships. Plenty of playdates and so on.

I don’t think it is necessary or particularly desirable to be friends with the parents of children your child makes friends with at school. They fall out, stop being friends etc and need space to do that without their mums making things uncomfortable by forcing the issue for the sake of their own friendships.

Ohh definite queen b vibes now

I'm not friends with other school mums. I had a few acquaintances but once my second child started school they even didn't say hello - probably because my son is severely (and obviously) disabled. A few of them said hi again once he wasn't at the school anymore 🙄I didn't really have a great deal of time for friendships anyway, and have never really understood school mum cliques.

It sounds like the bond was there before school, so isn't necessarily you, and if it is a lifestyle thing, then to put it bluntly they are utter dicks.

As a pp has said, school mums gossip and fall out. I'm not that sort of person at all and hate drama, so much prefer to have friends outside of my children's school. I think in the long run not being in this clique will save you a hell of a lot of hassle.

You seem extremely triggered and nasty because someone doesn’t view school drop off as the highlight of their social calendar.

And you don’t think you haven’t come across as nasty either? Calling someone mentally unwell is not kind is it?

Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't .. maybe your ideas don't align with theirs etc . It happens

Surely it's happened to you before in a job or whatever ?

There are always different groups that join together and sometimes it's not anything tangible , just they enjoyed a random evening once and from then on it would feel odd to have other people there .

Don't think about it and just move on .. I'm sure you will find other friends at school as time goes on

Also you can make friends with the mums just because your kids are friends . It just doesn't work like that

You'll probably find out Irma nothing to do with who you are-it's just that their kids all went to the same nursery or something.

I think being back in the school playground can be quite triggering, unlike nursery where you drop and go you have to hang around and possibly chat!

There are all sorts of politics. I think to get into the ‘in’ crowd you need to be quite pushy about chatting to people, hosting parties and getting involved.

Personally with my career that was too much for me. I just try being polite to everyone and keep a safe distance!

You don’t want to be friends with shallow people like that.

I really couldn't care less. There's a big clique at my sons school but I'm just there to pick him up and go home

We have a group like this at DS’ private school. 2 ‘queen bee’ mums deliberately chose who they felt were the wealthiest mums in preschool. Nothing wrong with it - they wanted mums to go away with and do playdates at each others homes and I guess if one of the group is poorer it would make things awkward.

What they didn’t realise was that in doing this they picked the most showy mums - and totally left out the seriously wealthy mums. Now they’re in a situation where most of the kids / mums in the group have transferred to a connected cheaper school due to fee rises and the mums have to basically start again. I sympathise but except for a few mums who were already friends (or are friends of friends) I don’t have time for socialising.

Resorting to swearing at me and calling me mentally unwell really says it all about your character

Why are you so concerned about being friends with the mums of other girls in the class? If you can still organise play dates every now and then, your DD won't miss out. And you should find friends based on mutual interests, not because you have kids the same age. Take the opportunity to broaden your horizons and networks.

Honestly it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like they've been friends for a while/before school. They are being perfectly pleasant to you but already have an established group of friends.

I've had 2 children go through school and not put much stock in being friends with any of the mums. I have a few I get on well with or might pop for a drink with but I've never felt the urge to force friendships with school mums. I would maybe focus on other friendships op.

Similarly there's absolutely no way these women have said they only want to be friends with people who have the same lifestyle. Just sounds like the person who said this has their own issues.

If they’ve got older children they have probably known each other for years.

Clique or group of people who happen to know each other?

How are they shallow?

There is a big difference to the two. Friendship groups invite others to join them, cliques do not

I think a lot of people don’t know the difference tbh. “Clique” is used to describe a group of two or more women having a friendly conversation.

I want to understand how people form friendships if any conversation or social fraternisation is perceived as threatening or exclusionary or bad manners? If I stop to chat to Mrs X to ask her if her son is enjoying Cub Scouts or offer to give Mrs Y’s daughter a pair of hand me down shoes does that constitute “forming a clique?” Where do you draw the line between normal social friendliness and a clique?