To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

@Bachboo really? Every year my school friend parents and I take turns to host a Halloween party for our children. It consists of 4 families. We don't open out the invitation to everyone in our children's classes as they're in 5 classes so that would be potentially 150 children. Are we a clique or a friendship group?

Why would you want to be friends with people that shallow? True friendships you shouldn’t have to try and convince people to like you or include you.

Honestly, I’d be glad not to be part of some bitchy in-group. Just be pleasant, focus on the play dates your daughter wants and not get involved. Just sounds awkward.

Exactly. Just be natural, ask the odd one for coffee if you like. But it also shouldn’t be that hard. If they don’t want to then they’re probably not right for you. And you don’t need to make best friends with the Mum’s.

That would depend if you actually exclude people from joining your group and only you know the answer to that one!

@Bachboo the group has slowly expanded over the years (from 3 to 5 families although only 4 are doing Halloween this year due to kids being with dads). Our eldest kids are in year 6 and as far as I'm aware no one else cares about what we do. No one certainly has been deliberately excluded but if Mumsnet can be believed there may be people watching from afar wanting to join in but they've never let themselves be known.

You must have a crystal ball in your closet :D

@Bachboo

That would depend if you actually exclude people from joining your group and only you know the answer to that one!

Of course she’s excluding people. By definition she is excluding some because they aren’t inviting everyone they know!

You have to make some selection to get through life. Nobody can invite everyone they have ever been on speaking terms with to every social gathering so some degree of selection is required.You have no doubt done the same. Why does that constitute “forming a clique?”

You are obviously irritated by or upset about the idea of people forming friendships with others that don’t include you. That’s an understandable and normal reaction but it doesn’t mean that what other people are doing is hostile.

There was a group of very cliquey families in my younger DC’s class. I wasn’t over bothered about being friends with them but my DC used to hear about their meet-ups and be sad that they couldn’t go, so I felt bad on their behalf. However, the friendship group subsequently imploded massively, with inter-marital affairs between some of the group members, and then people not talking and their children not being allowed to play together, to the point that the school had to rearrange the classes for the next year, and a couple of the families moved away to escape the fall out. I was very glad not to be involved with the group at that point!

Obviously that doesn’t always happen but just an illustration that being part of the group isn’t always a good thing.

It’s quite a jump to assume I’m upset about it
because personally I haven’t experienced it. as I was always part of a friendship group that was always inclusive and had a more the merrier attitude. However I did witness clique groups forming and it didn’t matter if their children preferred to play with other children outside of this group as those children were never invited or included because the clique of mums ruled supreme. It was never guided by the children’s actual friendships. Interestingly the clique then proceeded implode and all fall out with each other.

I think they sound horrible. My kids are at a small school and I have never been in, but that means no one asks me for coffee and drinks. it certainly doesn’t mean people aren’t friendly in the playground and at sports and kids aren’t invited to parties! I would say it’s early days though - I distinctly remember crossing some barrier after a couple of years at childcare where one mum in particular who had just about ignored me since we started was suddenly my bestie 😁. Stay friendly, actively say hi, be social at school events, get your kids into the sports and things- there are a lot of incidental meet ups in a small community so once weve done friday afternoon basketball for the 6yo and saturdya club basketball for the 9yo and swimming lessons and sunday footy or aths we've had a casual hi with most of the school over the weekend.

Do you really want to be part of a group that you have to qualify for by being a snob? I wouldn't.

If you can do the odd play date, and take DD to any parties she gets invited to, then you're doing right by her and saving yourself a lot of irritating nonsense.

Honestly it can be such a rubbish part of having school-age kids - all the school mum dramas. I’ve experienced state and private (both me and my kids) and I think the more money you have the worse it gets 😌.
Stay polite but make your true friends elsewhere.

Isn’t this a case in pojnt?the op is scared to be on her own and seen as unpopular?

I have never seen a group of women being friends and think it’s as they wish to be seen as superior. When you hang out with your friends is this how you fell? Superior? Do you go into social events and see a group of friends and think this?

genuinely I don’t understand your mindset, or the bitterness in your tone.

You’ve twisted what I’ve said. To deny that school yard cliques don’t exist is quite
astonishing to me. There have been some people who seem to be so incredibly triggered by a differing opinion that they do. Just because you don’t agree doesnt mean you’re correct. Oh and for your information I am far from bitter.

That’s awful. Horrible shitty ppl teaching their kids to exclude ppl who are different, and children, it’s even worse. Sorry they did that to them x

Honestly? By the time my 3rd DC went to school I didn't have time for any new friends. I had made a group with my middle one and still had plenty of others from other areas of my life. It wasn't personal to them, I just genuinely didn't "need" any more or had the time to invest.

People are allowed to already have friends when they get to the school gates - they don't have to make new friends just because their kids get friendly.

Just because they don't want to be friends with you doesn't make them bad or terrible people. Maybe they know the others though siblings. Maybe they'really all friends already. It's not like everyone has to be invited to everything. They can still be nice people?

I wouldn't trust what the other mum has said either.

Just carry on your life and be friendly to them (and sounds like they are to you?). Maybe you'll connect with them but just beacise you're linked through school doesn't mean you automatically have to be invited to dinner with them. Don't take it so personally.

Yes! This times 100.

When did school pick ups become like this? I’ve had 20 years (and 5 children to collect/drop off) in various schools and areas… never known any of the other parents to arrange meals/holidays/get together etc. Even now with my last one in Yr1, there are no class WhatsApp’s or anything?? If I’m picking him up, I smile and nod, say hello, ask after the odd parents family (If I know them etc), then get away from the place asap. I usually drop mine at breakfast/after school club though, so hardly interact. Even years ago this was the same… though I’ve gone from being glammed up mum to half awake, half dressed, mum lol!! I wouldn’t stress over this op. Plus you have the added bonus of not having to deal with school run mums after a potential fall out or disastrous night out… awkward springs to mind!

The person who told you that they only want to hang out with wealthy people is a shit stirrer with a chip on her shoulder. I imagine they are already friends. Maybe they have older children and already know each other or they are nct/old friends. Maybe their children went to the same nursery. They are not obliged to be good friends with everyone anymore than you are.

They will be friends because of nursery. I've heard people say things like that about "they only want wealthy friends" these people making these comments are insecure. It would be nice if they could include you though!

I think a female friendship group - if you're not part of it - can seem cliquey, even if it isn't. And no one likes to feel left out, so with the combination of those two things, I can see where the OP is coming from.

This is spot on. I’d avoid women like this. There are some at my daughter’s school but I’m always in a hurry and have no time to hang around while they are whispering at the school gates so it doesn’t bother me. Honestly, just aim for polite distance and move on with life.

I think it happens when the Mums in question don’t have much to do outside of their children.