Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

I've found it hard to make close friends in this new city. I have friends but nobody close I can confide in. It's hard to make new friends at my age I think. Anyway I know you will all say to me just get on with your life and forget about her but it hurts. It just does.

Does your friend suffer bouts of depression that you know of?
I ask because when I am having a wobble or going through a low time I put my phone away and I don't read texts. I see my phone light up and I scan the name but don't read the message until I am in the right place to reply
My phone is a trigger for anxiety and if I'm feeling down I just want to curl up and shut myself away from everyone

I wouldn't tell you to get on with life, no. I would let her know you're there if she needs to talk then give her space and check back in a fortnight
Then if she didn't reply to that check in I probably wouldn't message again

Aw thanks for replying. I've been awake all
night I can't sleep and have to get up for work in an hour. She's never mentioned feeling depressed tbh. Can't help having these thoughts that she just doesn't like me any more for whatever reason. It's just so strange. She didn't text me on my daughter's 21st birthday and we always txt on the kids birthdays. She didn't text me the week before or after asking me how did she get on. She knows dd is away at uni and that I would be a bit sad even though I know dd would be having a great time. She didn't message me for a week before and about 10'days after her birthday when I messaged her. Just funny that she mostly txts me straight back if I message her. So she must have her phone nearby. Plus I work full time so the most usual time for me to text is in the evenings so the detox seems specifically aimed at me? I dunno. I have a 6th sense for these things and I feel she's "breaking up with me"

In the nicest possible way you sound a little over bearing.
She was probably finding it difficult to text so frequently, especially as you live so far away.
I would find that exhausting to be honest. Even if I did still want you as a friend.
Respect her boundaries, back off and text her much less frequently and see if she responds.
I would be texting more like once a month really, If that!

I think you need to give her some space. She said she doesn't want to text. Maybe that will change in the future, but not if you keep on and on at her.

Have you looked back at the conversations just before she ghosted you? Were you dismissive of something she said? Did you offer unsolicited advice? Is there something she's really sensitive taking about.

Perhaps she's started filling out her life with new people she's met and is drifting away from online contacts.

Friendship is not about a quota of messages you send a week/month. It's absolutely fine to have a friendship and not text every day! Or have a period when you dont contact each other. Do you need to know what she had for lunch to be friends?

I do think you sound a bit intense and maybe you have a view of what a friendship is and stick to it like way too tightly.
Maybe she is busy or doe snot have a headspace to message fequentl even if she is on her phone, or maybe she is tired of sending multiple messages just forthe sake of it.

You texted her, she replied and then you threw a strop because you wanted to hear something else. If she was on the fence about continuing the frienship you proved her right.

I was on the receiving end of this. Going through my own shit, my daughter was having issues with self harm and bullying, my father had died. I was cracking on with work and social life as best I can, to be bombarded with messages and pleas of “have I done something?” “Is it me?” “Are you mad at me?”
Had to politely but firmly tell them that they are not the main character in my life and I didn’t have the mental strength to be constantly reassuring them when I was feeling so sad for myself.

Oh OP I really feel for you. It sounds like she was really grey rocking you and that is incredibly painful.

i agree I think she was withholding the real reason from you but unfortunately you can’t force her to tell you what’s really going on.

I think if it were me in your position I’d probably send an apology text for peace of mind. You could say something along the lines of - really sorry, don’t want to lose the friendship, she means a lot to you and you’d like to keep the lines open.

I’d not necessarily expect a reply and I think after that I’d try to just come to terms with the friendship having cooled and maybe start investing in other potential friendships. You could send the occasional text to keep in touch but try to not expect a reply - it’s hard!

at least you will have peace of mind and if she gets back in touch in future that is great.

My first thought was that your friend is trying to be more present in her actual surroundings and less dependent on social media. Maybe she's lonely or unfulfilled and feels this is something she needs to do to improve the quality of her "real life".

I get how that sucks given that you obviously can't be physically with her that often and have no choice but to communicate virtually.

I agree with the above, I’d find the whole “what have I done” series of messages really stressful, particularly if I was withdrawing from contact (with everyone) for a legitimate reason. I do understand your need to know what happened, if anything, but even so.

I also agree that the value of friendship shouldn’t be measured by counting messages. I have friends who 10 years ago I would text every day. Now we barely text - families, kids, work arrived and got in the way. However, when we meet up it’s still like it always was. Friendships change, it doesn’t mean they don’t still exist because the messages have dropped off.

I still feel a bit sorry for the other person in this scenario though. It sounds like you didn’t really class them as a real friend as otherwise you would have told them what was going on with you and would have been leaning on them for support.

the fact that they were hurt by your withdrawal and wanted to know what they could do to fix it suggests they DID class you as a proper friend. It must have been painful when you sent that text to realise you didn’t view the friendship in the same way.

Thats not really your fault, you can’t help how you feel but it must have hurt them.

I've stopped bothering replying to certain friends who text me with generic how are yous? How's DH? DC? and on. I just don't want to stand and type out a bloody run down of what's going on when they're not in contact enough to know the context/details. And they could PHONE me!!! Actually speak to me. Or even zoom?! Having to cater to distant friends and their texts is draining and annoying and not supportive. Maybe your friend feels like that?

I'm afraid I agree with this.

Can't help having these thoughts that she just doesn't like me any more for whatever reason.

Maybe that's true. But maybe she's just enjoying not having to text every day.

Maybe she doesn't have an interest in maintaining a friendship with someone overseas with whom she no longer feels.as close to.

It's like any relationship, people.can choose to end it at any time for any reason.

Yeh I knew you would all start second guessing and saying she has stuff going on but she doesn't . I was just looking back at all our texts and honestly she was initiating contact as much or more than me it was definitely equal anyway it wasnt me bothering her all the time. The chat I have on WhatsApp goes back years it's kinda like a diary to our lives. Things I totally forgot that we were discussing for days 🤣like when her dd was getting bullied in school last year and she'd be texting me so much. And then when she was applying for jobs I gave her all my notes from an interview coach I went to. So many things. I can't help
Being hurt. I've agonized over the last few messages before this all started and I just can't see anything

Then the time she had a scare for breast cancer and then all through covid. I would kinda like to print it out or save it somehow. Things I'd forgotten about our kids too. I don't think it was one sided looking back over it. Have tried to look at the messages with a cool head but like I said I wasn't leaning on her more. I'm just hurt. I can't help it. I miss her. I keep going to tell her something and then stopping myself.

That sounds very intense and like a lot of contact to me though.

And people aren't 'second guessing', they're giving possible explanations from their own experiences that might explain her behaviours or asking you to reflect on recent interactions that might give you your own insight.

No one here is her or knows her so they can't reassure you with, "Oh, it's OK. This and that happened and she's being honest about taking a break from using her phone in the evenings. She still really likes you."

I'm not sure what you expected from a thread.

Would you say you have supported her more than she has supported you? Was the dynamic of your relationship based on mainly you helping her with her problems?

I'd try and zoom out and examine the friendship to see how two way it was because I'd it was you mainly solving her problems and supporting her, that's not a true friendship. And she may have someone local that now fills that role.
It's harsh and hurts when you see it for what it has been but might help you let go and move on.

Nope they knew, and we spoke about it. They are just having to battle their own demons of anxiety and inferiority and they have since admitted that my saying what I said helped them enormously in their own self awareness.

Of course friendship isnt about a quota of messages. However, I think people are being a little harsh here- whenever anyone asks what to do when they are ghosted by a friend, most of the suggestions are- reach out and politely and honestly and ask what's wrong, so now OP has done that, thats wrong too?

Also, if the friend was texting the OP daily or every day or two herself then how is the OP to suddenly know she doesnt want that any more- she's not a mind reader!

Yes, its true people sometimes need space and that should be respected but mature people would communicate that with others so they know- it takes 30 seconds to send a text saying you need a bit of space as you have stuff to deal with.

I also think her "I'm detoxing from my phone but you can check in with me" is a confusing and weird message to send- WTF does that mean? does that mean she wants OP to check on her but she doesnt care to reciprocate- its a very ambiguous message to send.

OP- I would step right back now. Stop contacting her and leave the ball in her court. She might be fading you out, we just dont know, but dont chase someone who isnt putting in the effort to check in with you either. Friendship should be reciprocal, regardless of whether you are texting every week or every few months.

But that sounds like a lot of texting. And that's just with one person. You don't know how many others she chatted with throughout the day. Being on your phone really can take over a large percentage of the day.

For all you know she's a MNetter who has realised she posting from morning til night and decided enough is enough and it's time to put the phone down.

No one here is ‘second guessing’, only pointing out that you are coming across on here as intense and somewhat aggressive in your communication. And, for whatever reason, your previous communication patterns in the friendship aren’t working for her at the moment. I don’t think that bombarding her with ‘What have I done?’ texts is going to help. Accept that she currently wants less contact, stop going through past communications looking for reasons she ‘owes’ you a certain amount of communication, and find other friends where you live. Having all your eggs in one basket socially is never good.

I think it's fine to notice that the pattern of messaging has changed in a long standing friendship. I also think that, in that close friendship, its fine to communicate that you've noticed a change and is everything OK? But that's not the same as asking "What have I done?"

I don't think it's appropriate to send an aggressive (passive or otherewse) response if you don't like what they say.

This exact thing happened to me except my friendship was going for nearly 35 years- we met at uni.
There was a ten year gap after she behaved atrociously but she got back in touch and we picked up where we left off.
I was literally going to post about her myself. We used to chat every time her partner was out- he's awful but she won't ever leave him so we accept it- but then her texts stopped.
Or they were v generic. I asked if she was free for a chat and she ignored- that was back in July.
I've toyed with sending an 'I get the message' text.
Before you all say oh her partner must be abusive well, she's managing to go to lots of concerts and events with other friends.
She's in a different city btw. When my dad passed away she had her phone off for a full week so I couldn't talk to her.
Now I've just accepted she's got some mental issues and they are nothing to do with me.
So my advice is don't take it personally it's her not you

I hate playing message hockey. I prefer to talk to people.