Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

Why has your sister fallen out with you?

I understand what it's like getting the silent treatment. I have got it off someone who I was very close to. It was always me messaging first then we'd chat for ages. Got lots in common. But I've stopped now and it's been over a year! I have very good friends where I live they are always in touch. The ignorer lives in a different country still GB though. It's very hurtful.

Get out there and make some good connections. Sounds like you're already making an effort.

Blimey OP dial down the Angst!

Why did you have to move countries? Where do you live now?

I just can't stop crying. I have nobody to ring or to tell about what happened. Friends here are too new. Covid was just starting when we arrived so although 4 years seems long it's not really as we had to stay in for the first couple of years so lost that time. Just trusted that friend so much. I know I'm ridiculous

You’re not ridiculous OP but you do need to work on your self esteem.

Friendships change and sometimes there’s no reason or fault, it’s just life.

You are torturing yourself wondering what you’ve done wrong or wondering why x y or z hasn’t text you or replied.

Only you can control what you do, you can’t control others.

Get some help with your self esteem, put yourself first, get comfortable with being with yourself. Join a class nearby for social interaction, make a goals list and start ticking things off.

You’ve got this!

I think you need to try to find ways to deal with your emotions yourself because it can be very exhausting for friends to have to be the ones you offload on to. Just sit with this and feel what you feel and then move on from it. This won't kill you. It just takes time. You shouldn't always need other people to make you feel better.

Every few days does sound like quite a lot. Sometimes life does get hectic and it might be that she really is taking a social media break.

If you are good friends, then why do you call her to know one way or another?

That’s the only way you can really know, texts don’t give much away.

It sounds like you need her more than maybe she does you at the moment, what with moving away, so maybe you are focusing on it more. She might not want to text so regularly, friendships do evolve and go through ebbs and flows.

I've pmed you. Sending you positive energy.

If several people in your life have opted for the silent treatment, you have maybe coming on too strong and they’ve felt that they had to step back completely.

You sound like you’re struggling to manage your emotions and therefore probably coming across as very intense.

I think it’s time to seek professional help.

Ah, you're having one of those patches. It happens.

The best thing to do? Focus on other relationships and other things. Give all of this some time and space. Go and do something else, it'll take your kind off it all.

What do you do for fun? Or to relax?

Relationship with my sister was toxic and tbh I think I initiated the silence at one stage and then it stuck. Ex is another story. Over 15 years since we split now but relevant as he still gives me the silent treatment . Think this current situation has triggered a lot of things that happened in the past. I don't know if friend knows or maybe she doesn't care how much her blocking me has affected me. It's just the last close of the door really. I can't see how we can come back from this now. I think blocking someone is pretty final. I do t need other people to feel better. I've navigated a move of country with 2 kids on my own nobody to lean on. I think I'm usually pretty resilient. Can't even the last time I felt so upset: anyway like u say just have to push thru

I have to admit that I wasn’t surprised to see your familiar username, OP. You have lots (and lots!) of similar threads. In them people tell you that you come across as intense, needy, demanding, and become rather aggressive with people when they don’t do what you want/expect in the relationship or interaction.

Have you had any luck with getting some therapy or counseling? I thought you’d mentioned looking into that in one or two of the threads. I do really think it would help you. You seem to get emotionally deregulated easily and have a hard time getting yourself back on track. I think working with someone on coping strategies would be really beneficial for you and help you be less anxious and stressed about all these interactions.

OP, it's normal to feel upset about this. 15 years is a long friendship.

I too have lost touch with some friends, for different reasons, and it's difficult!
But I try to cherish the memories I have, and think that perhaps we will get in touch again sometime in the future. And I think about the other friends I have.

Think about what you have. Think of your children. Think of your other friends.

I'd back off completely and maybe after time she may want to speak again. Truthfully after that message I'd probably feel justified in not wanting contact.

Wait. Is this the same friend you posted about yesterday saying she texted you at the weekend?

Sorry, I agree with this.

So if you are totally confident she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life that could possibly reasonably excuse her not texting as much as you’d like, and she’s either angry with you for something she won’t tell you, or is just shutting you out for absolutely no reason at all:

a) do you want her as a friend?
b) do you think maybe this friendship meant more to you than it did to her?

I get that you’re lonely in a new city, but that is not this person’s responsibility. And the more you pressure her with pass agg demanding messages the more you will drive her away.

If you need a more intense level of friendship, and this person is no longer able to provide that, you can’t force it out of her.

You aren't listening to people though.

You messaged her a month ago and she took a while to respond. She told you why. Then you didn't believe her, and messaged again.

My birth mom is similar. She would behave in a way that was too intense and when people reacted to that she would shame spiral and say she hated herself.

If she was berating herself it made the rest of us feel we couldn't hold her accountable because she was already punishing herself. It was a way to avoid responsibility.

I see in your responses you are very defensive. She told you she was taking a break from her phone and you ignored her boundary.

OP could it be worth exploring whether there is a pattern with relationships and the silent treatment here. It might or might not be your fault, or partly or whatever but I think you need someone impartial to talk about it in more detail to figure this out.

I agree. I almost never do this but I did an AS on the OP after a few posters mentioned about previous threads and I can see a lot of angst. Various friends plus an ex ignoring you, lots of work related issues etc.
Im sorry OP, I do not know you and it is not my wish to see anyone suffer but your writing style and the contents of what you post about does remind me of a dear friend of mine that I can find really hard work at times. She has lots of redeemable qualities, which is why I would never go quiet on her long term but I do pretend quite often that I haven’t seen the almost nightly texts I get about whatever she is spiralling about that day. I keep trying to tell her she needs to stop caring about stuff so much but she is so sensitive that she often will sulk with me if I do that. I also don’t enjoy pandering to it so what can you do.

I think oyu got it very wrong again.
Maybe she is not groing through anything but still has a, you know, actual life. Work. Maybe she has a cold. Maybe she picked up a new hobby and focuses on that. Maybe she got tired of daily messages and just wanted to chill reading a book. Maybe she did self reflection and wants to do more stuff not on the phone. She really does not have to excuse herself and explain anything. Either you are very overbearing, or she genuinely just felt like notengaging much for whatever reason and either you accept that and move on and have a more relaxed friendship, or the friendship is over. Would you rather she wrote she cant stand you? Because it seems you expected an answer along these lines and now youre agonising she is lying, but if I was gettimg passive aggressive messages from a friend Id be second guessing if the whole thing was worth it.
Unless you sign a contract obliging her to text 5 times a day, it's perfectly natural people text more when they have somehting to say and less when there is nothing to say.

@spanieleyes22, I moved countries just behold Covid, too, and I hear you. It was a difficult time to land somewhere new and start to make friends. But your friend is not responsible for your loneliness in your new country, and neither can you put it on her that her going silent is triggering for you because of your relationships with your ex and your sister. You need to manage your own emotional responses and not transfer your strong feelings about past relationship breakdowns onto this one.

It’s ok to be sad, and you should let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, but converting that into anger at things you think she ‘should’ be doing is only going to make you more upset and bitter. Her shit is her shit. You don’t know what it is. You can’t control it. Don’t write off the friendship. I reconnected last year with someone who dropped me like a stone in 2011 because of her shit.

What's an AS

See if it was the other way round and I just started ghosting a friend for no good reason would you all say yes it doesn't matter how she feels you have the right to do that . Don't give an explanation and hope she gets the message. If she doesn't make say you're detoxing from your phone.

I just would never do that to a person. This friend prides herself on speaking up and having the argument rather than the silent treatment. We talked a lot about how silent treatment can be toxic. So I feel now that ther prob is a reason she doesn't like me any more but she didn't want to say it but now she can ignore me justifiably .

Exactly. Many of us want to 'detox' from the phone. She told you her reason; it's not her fault that you don't believe her. It's a perfectly valid explanation. I don't understand why you are getting all PA about it. Of course, she didn't reply further after that.