Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

Ah well now you know. Its a shame this has happened but the main thing here is not to get obsessed with this or ruminate about it as a reflection on you.

Hold this lightly, dont make it into a heavy burden you carry around. You cant control what she does but you can control how you react to it.

I love this video from Mel Robbins on the "let them" theory, its liberating AF:

Hello. It’s difficult to figure what exactly might be going on here but I understand why you are feeling hurt. Just a couple of thoughts.
Your friend did reply to you immediately to reassure you that it wasn’t you and gave a reason. The reason re detox of her phone in the evening sounds plausible. If this is the reason then it sounds like she’s maybe feeling stressed/anxious/depressed and phone use in the evening isn’t helping. The fact she may go out sometimes with other friends doesn’t change that. I have felt like this and by the time I get to an evening at home I feel like I have nothing more to give and want to decompress. I don’t want to talk about my own stresses because I want to try not think about them and just any kind of social interaction can feel hard. In my friendship group, we all have different pressures and we fade in and out as we need to and understand it’s not personal. You mentioned she said you could check in on her, maybe that’s because she needs someone to check in on her? And she’s trying to say she doesn’t want to cut contact, just change it. You also mentioned that you have found it hard to make new friends where you are which maybe puts a lot of pressure on her. I think perhaps message her and apologise for reacting angrily and say you care for her and are here for her if she needs you and then check in in a months time. All the best.

I agree with this, OP, but with a little twist: for your peace of mind, if you want to, you could reach out to her with a conciliatory message, letting her know you're still there if she wants to talk. And then, step back and reflect and assess the situation.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it is tough 🙏💐

I hate myself so much I wish I had said nothing now at least we would be sort of friends . I've just shown her what a nasty person I am I wish I had said nothing I really do. My ex is ignoring me at the moment - see other thread! - and now this. Feel like I must be a very bad person . Can't believe she blocked me after all
Those years of sharing so much

I'm not surprised to be honest. She told you more than once and you just kept going on and then exploded on her.

You said earlier that you noticed it was always you initiating conversations lately and then in a later post said it was both of you. I think you might be rewriting things in your mind to suit your narrative, it's not really healthy.

Unfortunately you moved to another country and your friendships were going to change or end, that's part of moving away. Try to focus on building new friendships in your new home and learning from the way you behaved towards her.

Read through some of these replies and try to take the advice onboard instead of just dismissing it.

Well that's strange, OP, and if it is indeed ghosting it's cruel too. But, as we can't know really what goes through her mind, let's assume "the best": maybe she's having some kind of crisis and she is indeed reconsidering her lifestyle re the use of phone, maybe she's not in the best place mentally to deal with anybody. As you don't live close by, even if you texted on an almost daily basis, it would be easier to miss (on your part) or omit (on hers) any major change/crisis she could have been living.
In any case, I think you have to make peace with it: it's not about you, it's about her. If she ever wants to reach you again, you'll be there. Meanwhile, grief and introspect, but don't blame yourself!

To you it's not bombardment. But to her, it is. She tried to step back from her phone a bit but you kept on pushing it.

I'm going through something similar. I'm extremely stressed snd overwhelmed with life at the moment. I have a friend who messages a LOT. Every single day, numerous times a day. And sometimes, when I'm not overly busy, it's fine. But it isn't sustainable all the time. I had managed to step back and get messages down a little but then she was going through a tough time so I felt somewhat obliged to be in more contact than I was comfortable with. However at the moment, I'm stressed. Very stressed. There aren't any changes in my life, I'm just overwhelmed with everything in general. I've tried pulling back a little, spacing out the time between replies here and there. But the hint isn't being taken. I have said to her that I'm stressed so won't be in touch as much, but the texts have now changed to "are you OK?". Daily. Her explanation is that she's worried about me so just checking I'm OK and can't rest until she knows I'm OK. It's making my stress levels so much worse and feels like a bombardment.

It happens and it’s hurtful. Often you never find out why. Maybe she found you a bit intense/needy? But honestly it could be anything.

Huh?

You can check in on her.

So that's nice for you 😆

I'd leave it, you've expressed your side and tbh it just sounds like there is now only your side.

Hard I know but don't doubt yourself.

Xx

Thanks everyone. I am taking onboard the advice to make more friends here. I do have friends here! It's just not the same as a 17 year old friendship where you know each others lives so well and it's so familiar. Am trying to learn a lesson but am hurting a lot I can't help it. I'm scared that that's it now forever. She must miss our chats a bit . I hope she doesn't hate me that's the only thing I can hope for at this stage I think. I'm so so regretful and sorry I said anything. This time yesterday we were still sorta friends.

OP you need to stop insisting she hates you. Why on earth would she "hate you"?. Thats a very strong emotional reaction usually reserved for those people who have cheated with our partners or stolen money from us etc

We all feel annoyance sometimes but hating someone is a whole other level of emotional effort that most people dont have the energy to expend unless that person has done something truly horrific to them.

She doesn't hate you, I suspect it's far more that she just cant be bothered. I dont think she is dwelling on you as much as you imagine she is. You are far less important to her than that. I dont mean that unkindly, but it is irrational to assume flat out hatred when the most likely explanation is, she just cant be arsed to keep the friendship going.

OP, you are being very intense- both in your interaction with her and your reaction to the latest message.

Has she actually blocked you or has she just not read it yet? If she is indeed taking a step back from messaging anyone then she could have just turned her notifications off or set her phone on Do Not Disturb.

@DoTheDinosaurStomp that's totally different. When things were "normal" she would initiate conversations as much as me. I've spent ages looking back on recent chats. Then it was a Sunday in mid sept I sent her a little txt in the afternoon and she didn't reply for 10 days when I sent a follow up saying hope everything's ok. Then I sent another message about a week later. Then I believe she sent me one I can't remember. But this is very different to what you're describing. I'm sorry you're dealing with that it sounds very stressful

Can't be arsed is worse I think. Sorry if I'm coming across intense I don't mean to scare anyone! I just value the friendship but it seems ur not supposed to have strong feelings about anything these days. It's all take it or leave it but whatever you do don't expect anything

Nobody is scared by you acting intense OP, and frankly you talk as though your actions and words are having more of an impact on the people reading the posts here than they are. People are reading and advising and supporting but ultimately, aren't as invested in this as you are implying.

Reading back through all your messages and dissecting them to this level of detail is also very intense.

You are entitled to feel sad that the relationship has changed, but ultimately if she's as good a friend as you say then you should take her explanation at face value and stop looking for proof that she actually secretly hates you- it's not constructive and isn't going to make you feel any better.

Oh god, I've got a colleague like this. Whilst I don't dislike the 37.5 hours a week I spend with her, the incessant messaging over the weekends really pisses me off. My time off work is precious enough without having to respond to requests for trivia about my life.

You really weren't 'sorta friends' or this situation would never have ended up where it is.
At best, this time yesterday you had the illusion that you were friends

You keep saying these passive aggressive things about how you’re ’not supposed to have strong feelings about anything’ and how you’re ’not allowed to expect anything these days’, which, added to you saying you ‘don’t want to scare anyone’, and repeated mentions of ‘I know what you’re all going to say’ and ‘you’re all going to land in on me’ suggests you know at some level how you’re coming across. And I don’t think it’s time-specific. It’s not healthy for your sole emotional outlet to be this text-based, long-distance friendship. It is playing too large a role in your emotional life.

None of us on here know how your friend is feeling, or what’s going on with her. All we have is her clearly expressed desire to be in less frequent text contact. That didn’t work for you, you got angry and sent her a huffy text, and now she’s removed herself altogether for now. That may of course change, but in the meantime, you need to focus on yourself, expanding your friendship horizons, and maybe some therapy?

It's different but it's not that different. It's still someone trying to push a level of contact onto another person that's not wanted by them. It sounds like your friend has tried to subtly space out the messaging so that it's not as frequent. You're refusing to accept this and keep pushing it. Much like my friend. Your friend feels this pressure and so has said she's taking a break from her phone etc, to try and gently enforce her boundaries. To most people, they'd think OK, she clearly needs space, I'll take a bit of a step back. But you have refused to do so. To the point where she's been so frustrated that had to block the contact.

I used to message my friend often as well, as I knew this was the level/frequency of contact that she liked and it wasn't to difficult to maintain at that moment in my life. But it's unsustainable.

So many pps have tried to explain the above and similar but you don't seem to be able to grasp it. It might be an idea to, just for a few minutes, try and put yourself in her shoes, pretend that you're going through a stressful or busy time in your life which you don't want to go into but just desperately need a bit of breathing space. And that your way of dealing with this is peace and quiet soltitude as much as possible. But one person just won't step back and keeps on at you.
That would put a lot of pressure on someone. I think unless you recognise this, it's going to affect future friendships/relationships going forward.

When you are on the very limits of what you can handle you don't always have the ability to share what's going on with people because you are just trying to keep your head above water. And if you do share just to keep them quiet it doesn't, you then get the 'how are you doing' etc questions despite saying I don't want to talk about it. People don't listen.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person on MN who ever makes a mistake or says or texts something in anger and then regrets it.

Ohhh you are definitely not the only person who makes mistakes or regrets something they've said, @spanieleyes22 - please don't beat yourself up any more.

It may be that she was telling the truth about having a digital detox, or it may be that there is something big going on in her life right now, that she isn't ready to share - I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why she stopped texting back.

All you can do now is be there if she does reach out - and if you want to rekindle the friendship, of course - and then focus on making friends where you are. When we moved from Essex to Scotland, I was worried that I wouldn't make any friends, so I joined an art class, and met people that way - and through that, I met people who took me to a knitting group and to a choir. Of the three, I only go to knitting now, but I have made friends in all three groups that I am still in touch with.

Obviously you need to find something you enjoy - when my son moved to a new town, he went on FB and found a social group for people in the town and went along to it - and he met his wife there - they have our first granddaughter and are expecting twins. Big things can happen when you put yourself out there.

I wish you well.

Oh, @spanieleyes22, now you’re being passive-aggressive and huffy again! Is this how you navigate the world generally? I genuinely feel for you as you’re obviously hurt now that your sole emotional support is gone, but your responses on this thread to people who’ve by and large taken the trouble to make constructive suggestions or point out things you seem unaware of, and what you’re doing is putting everyone’s backs up…?

OP you are really hurting and it is sad to read how much this has affected you.

You are not a horrible person. The fact that this friendship endured for so long is testimony to that. But this person, at the moment, is not in a position to give you what you are seeking. I do still think that she might miss the friendship in time and contact you again. But there is no guarantee of that. If she does you will be able to decide if you want to accept the level of friendship she is offering.

In the meantime, concentrate on the friends you have in your new city and on your daughter. Try to move forwards now. Allow yourself to feel sad, but do try not to become overwhelmed by these negative feelings.

I just hate the silent treatment . I now have my sister, my ex and this friend ignoring me. It makes me feel powerless. I'm so sad . I can't seem to come out of it today. I know I'm ridiculous. I have friends here I'm in a book club and another hobby and do volunteer work but it's not the same kind of friendships . They take ages to establish: for me they do anyway. It takes me ages to trust someone properly. I feel horrible: ashamed of myself and stupid for not taking a step back from said friend. I just hate myself.