Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

But she hasn't ghosted you. She's told you that she's trying to spend less time on her phone. Maybe thats the truth. A lot of people are realising the benefits of spending less time on screens. Instead of respecting that, you pushed for more. She's then felt the need to block you after having tried to pull back a bit and being met with her boundaries being pushed and prodded at by you.

She wasn't ghosting you though. People who ghost don't respond to messages at all. She was still responding, just less frequently. She previously told you that she has been very busy lately and now she told you she is trying to spend less time on her phone. Those are her reasons for being quieter. It doesn't matter if you don't like them. They're still valid reasons. Why could you not respect that? Or even just accept it. There was no need for you to get passive-aggressive with her. Maybe she'll unblock you when things settle down, but right now she doesn't have time for your nonsense.

I think she was trying to phase you out and you gave her an out .. def just leave it and don't bother her again

I've been your friend in this Scenario and tried to phase someone out who was overly emotional and insecure causing issues all the time and she didn't get the hint .. it ended up being very embarrassing for her so I would just leave it tbh

OP as this person isn't here to give her reasons I can't really say whether she was right to do what she did. Ghosting isn't nice but sometimes people don't feel like they have another option. I don't know if that applies here.

The excuse that she was trying to phone detox does make sense. If you have a lot of long distance people you keep up with that can take up a lot of time and sometimes you wake up and think "hey what about my 'real' life?". I don't know her or know if she has a habit of lying but it's a reason I'd take at face value because it makes sense.

I have a friend who is incredibly intense and would be sat texting all day if she could, she gets upset if she doesn’t get instant responses to each message and thinks she much have done something to offend me and then want constant reassurance. It’s just all a bit much at times. Sometimes I just don’t want to text or call anyone. I just want to be left alone. It is allowed.

You seem cery focused with this idea she lied to you. How do you know that though?
Many people want to disconnect and not hang around on the phone?
And even if, I think your reaction to what she said was very over the top.
I get it, it's super unpleasant that you spent time listening to her worries last year and then she 'ghosted you'. But maybe theover the phone friendship just does not work for her and shed rather it fizzled out naturally.
The biggest issue is not her, but the fact you dont have anyone else around and all your hopes are pinned on this distant person. You need to get out and meet people and get some perspective on this rather than pressure someone you dont get to see to send a certain amount of texts a week.

You're probably one of the few admitting it😉. You sound very fragile OP and I don't say that to be mean. You need more support than you can get on an online forum. Can you call a hotline to talk to someone if you don't have a close friend in your country? It just seems like you're falling apart..try to find a psychologist who can help you asap. ❤️💐

I dont think you are a nasty person at all.
But your idea of friendship was incompatible with your friend's idea. You need to find people in your life to match your energy andhave similar approach to relationships.

Lol you can check in on me if you like. Yes because a one way friendship is a good idea.
Just move on. Not meant to be. People come in and out of our lives. Life goes on.

I often don't reply to people quickly I have a busy life and don't have the mental energy to be messaging people all the time.

Crying in bed again. Just can't get my head round her blocking me I think that's just hurting me cos it's final. I dunno how she can be so cold after all these years. I feel so stupid . It's easy say life moves on but am finding it very hard. I never text her on weekends cos she was wit her family and stuff and I didn't want to be annoying her but the little convos during the week used just be a bit of fun . All gone now. And she always used say she'd be there for me at my parents funerals as I am dreading facing my toxic family and she said don't worry I'll come wit u. And now I'll just be alone. Im so sad. Her own family is toxic and she doesn't hardly talk to them either so we had that in common too.

@spanieleyes22
Have a cry. It's okay to cry.
It does not have to be all gone, she might get in touch again someday. Give her some time.

Think about what you have in your life. You have your children. You have other friends.
Can you watch some TV or watch a movie, to distract yourself? Read a book?

You come across as very self centred here OP. In reality you have no idea if she had something big going on and just needed some space. I would have blocked you too. Then when I felt more resilient I'd probably unblock you. As others have said sounds like you need some counselling as you seem to be struggling with managing strong emotions and don't have much of a support network. In future try to not take things so personally. Yes she may have made excuses about a phone detox but given your pushy approach I don't really blame her. If she'd said she just needs space at the moment how would you have responded? Based on what you've said here likely made it all about you and got offended. Sorry if that is hard to hear but if you want to maintain relationships effectively in the future uou have to be responsive to other people's needs too.

I hear you and don’t judge you. Stop beating yourself up OP. You’re a good friend and deserving of others.

Said with love OP but I agree with the poster who is saying that you’re coming across a little self centred. We all are from time to time - especially when we are going through a hard time, but wallowing will not make you feel better. Trust me, I know from experience. You need to find a way to turn your thoughts outwards, rather than inwards

It's okay to be upset, she was a big part of your life. I'd bear in mind for the future that you need to build up a group of friends, and not become over reliant on one best friend.

I very much doubt you have offended her, a lot of people find keeping up with WhatsApp and texts quite draining generally. I don't text anyone (apart from family) every day or every couple of days - I would find this too much. It isn't personal. Most friends I would text every couple of weeks on average - a flurry of texts about something and then fade off.

Otherwise if can feel like you are constantly on your phone - replying to people. I totally get why she may want to detox from that.

I totally understand other people are different to this - I know a lot of people who seem to be constantly having WhatsApp conversations. I just couldn't mentally cope with this.

If I was you I would leave it a couple of weeks and then text to say that you were checking in and that you were sorry for your previous message, you were having a difficult time yourself and regretted it. You hope she is well and totally understand but would like to keep in touch as you value her friendship. Then leave it at that.

Just reading your updates, you don't think your ex giving you the silent treatment and her giving you the silent treatment is connected in any way? Are they in contact at all?

So she texted me tonight. She is annoyed with me and felt I was too demanding. She didn't want to all about it and didn't know if she wants to say in touch with me. She wants time and space to think about it.

And I feel a lot lot better. I think the silent treatment makes me go a bit mad in the head in that I have some really bad memories of it from my marriage and from family.

I'm just relieved she's explained and I've apologized again and won't message her again now. The panic has gone from me. And whatever happens I learnt a massive lesson and I feel a lot more positive and determined to try and get a bit more of a social life. Thank you everyone

That's good to hear. I agree it's the silence that's awful.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Life is a learning process and we all fuck up sometimes. No one is perfect.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

It means "I'm not going to be on my phone every night, but you can still text I just might not reply straight away"
It's really not that difficult to understand.

Sounds like a shite friendship to me.

I do sympathise because I have had a similar situation where I feel that I have been given the "slow fade" by an old friend. I know that I did something that she thought morally objectionable and she did not want to confront me about it, so she just faded away - stopped emailing/engaging on social media/texting etc - and it hurt like hell. But I decided that confronting her about it was not going to change her mind if she has decided the friendship is over. It will only push her away more. Perhaps in the future she will come around to forgiving me (what I did was wrong and I am not proud of it but life is complicated plus it did not involve her in any way); anyway, I think you might have already burned your bridges by challenging her. Since you live so far away, maybe it is best to make extra efforts to make new friends where you are. Not all friendships are designed to last a lifetime and distance makes it hard to maintain. One thing you might do is make a date for an actual visit with her sometime in the future so that you have that to look forward to, then put it aside and focus on improving your own social life so you are not dependent on her.

I think people are being too harsh on you OP. First they say all kinds of things that misrepresent the reality of the friendship, tell you to self reflect, then you get criticised for being obsessive by looking back through the evidence to see if it's true.

Apparently if you don't agree with the perceptions of people who don't know the friendship and don't know you, and try to correct them, then you are criticised for 'not taking things on board', even if they are not factually accurate.

When you try to show people that this was a close and meaningful friendship with a lot of mutual support (and not as one-sided as other people are suggesting), you are accused of holding debts over the other person or basing the whole friendship on doing everything for her, neither of which seems accurate from what you've said.

It's obvious that this was a close and meaningful friendship, I mean 17 years is a lot, 4 years of contact since moving away, that is a strong friendship. Everything you've said suggests a strong friendship. Not everyone understands that long distance friendships can be close and meaningful. If you were texting every day for years and you both enjoyed that and were fulfilled by it, that is the kind of friendship it was. Just because other people rarely text their friends or don't bother with people who aren't there in person, doesn't mean that everyone is like that or that this is how all friendships should be.

I think anyone would be very upset at a sudden dropping off of contact with no explanation. Ghosting or fading out when you have been close like that is definitely a reason to be upset, cause for concern. I don't think it's a nice away to treat your close friends. People seem to be comparing this to a much more casual friendship, but imagine if someone you spend time with every day and seemed to be a pillar of support in your life suddenly just started avoiding you with no explanation - how would you feel? It does not make a difference that it's long distance, if this is how they sustained things for a long time.

And it seems you were right in your intuition that she was lying about the real reasons. It's good that she has now told you the truth and you can work towards something more sustainable in the future. I know how hard it can be when something like this happens, I hope that you are able to find some other friends so that it is not all so much on one person. I know that this has caused you to spiral emotionally, I hope you are able to get on an even keel soon. I don't normally comment but I felt like you were being very much misunderstood on this thread and I feel like I needed to offer some understanding and support.