Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

I don't think I would be able to keep up with a long-distance friendship for that amount of time and intensity either, unless we had very specific interests in common that meant a naturally ongoing conversation. Liking the other person only brings you so far in texting each other without sufficient events to replenish the friendship. Not to mention life is exhausting even before the need to text!

I don't think that means she's grey rocking you (as also proven by the fact that she did answer when you were distressed), I think maintaining the texting sounds tedious and not like a positive experience (regardless of how much I'd like the friend).

Things have changed, you’ve asked her why and she’s answered.

Now you need to give her space and try a light message/picture in a month or two and see how things go.

If she doesn’t want to continue the friendship, or continue it in the same way, it will be hurtful but you have to accept that.

Sending nasty messages is not the way to get someone to be your friend.

It was just so sudden. One minute we were chatting about our daughters 21sts and their plans and about getting back to school after the summer hols and she was telling me she put up some Xmas lights to brighten up
Her hallway and we had a laugh over that. And then I sent a brief text on a Sunday and she didn't reply for 10 days. It was very sudden. I think I'm allowed be a bit confused and yeh even upset .

I also disagree that other people owe you an explanation.

If you're going though something you often don’t have the bandwidth for other relationships.

Or maybe she wants to be your friend but isn’t comfortable with the current level of communication.

In these situations it’s often better to just leave things a while and get back in touch when you’re in a better headspace and pick up where you left off - no need for a dramatic fall out or big explanation.

Some people keep thinking I've been bothering her or texting more than her or initiating more than her but in all
Honesty she would often start conversations . I'm not making that up and honestly was starting as many if not more than me.

Ok - I think you need to chill - you don't know what is going on in her life.

Maybe she is detoxing, maybe there is something else (health scare, menopause who knows). Message and apologise for your last one and leave it for a bit. Are you visiting soon?

Yeh I regret sending that last message. That's why I'm so upset now. I feel like I e blown it. I should have just accepted the status quo. It was so hard to though.

I agree. One of my closest friends moved country and we now keep in touch by sending birthday and christmas cards, I usually put a wee letter in updating on any big events and vice versa (I don't do FB, Insta, Snap etc). I love getting cards from her. We're not technically friends anymore (purely due to the distance) but we still care about each other, and cherish the friendship we had.

We kept it going for 4 years. Weirdly I feel she's such a good friend. We shared so much. Her as well. Not just me. I just feel if she had said it to me even rather than blanking me. I know I need to forget it and move on but I keep going to tell her something that happened at work or with the kids and then remember I can't . Obvs she doesn't value the friensbkp as much and that hurts too. I don't feel like I'm
Needy and all the other things some of you have said. I am very cross with myself for sending that last text though. I'd say she won't contact me again whereas she was keeping the door a tiny bit open I feel like it's been closed now due to my own stupidity. She was even texting me about her work colleagues and what should she do in this situation . That was only in August . Seems so sudden and unexpected. Anyway just have to forget about it now I know what you're all saying. It does seem a bit self centered though. Like what about me. She can just call the shots like that and I have to say nothing. Am sad and disappointed

You aren't really taking in people's responses here. You seem to be listing all the things you have done for her as proof that she should stay in touch. I have some really old friends that I barely text with, if they were to get arsy about the level of communication I would be questioning if their friendship is worth it.

When people have a lot going on they don't feel like having to reassure their friends all the time. My best friend in the world lives in another country. Sometimes she doesn't respond for months! I don't mind, I know we don't always have the bandwidth. I'm secure enough in my friendship to know that. There's no chance we would get annoyed at each other over that.

You are saying you aren't too intense year you want to print out your conversation and you are listing all her secrets on here from private conversations. What are you trying to prove?

What's upsetting me is she always said she would be there for me when my parents die as I have 2 toxic sisters and am dreading coping with the arrangements and everything and as I'm single and they both have husbands. I was upset once a few years ago when my mother was sick and I confided in her how I didn't know how I was going to cope and she said don't worry you'll have me and I was so grateful and touched really cos she didn't have to do/say that. She has toxic sisters too so we used chat about that a lot as well. I feel like I will have nobody again now as I don't want my kids to be caught up in anything. Probably I sound needy to you but it was 1 conversation a couple of years ago: I was there for her when her dad died

Have you made friends in your new location?

I'm just trying to explain what kind of friendship it was. I have other friends that I don't talk to for months on end and that's great too . This was different. It's ok I am taking on the responses. Just an adjustment that's all

OP friendships don't all last forever. Some just run their course then wither away.

Sounds like your final message has definitely closed it down permanently so you need to let it go now.

You've no right to send her annoyed messages, but you DO have every right to feel sad about the situation. Don't beat yourself up about that. You could message and apologise for being short with her, and say that yes you'd like to check in with her now and again.

The thing is you can't change either your friends personality or any decisions she might have made for her own life. If she's decided that virtual friendships don't fulfill her and she needs to spend less time on her phone and more time elsewhere you can't change that. All you can do is grieve what you once had, if you feel the need to, and try to adapt to the reality of the new situation.

I agree. If she's so important it's worth trying to save the friendship.

She doesn't get to call all the shots, if you think the friendship has become one sided you can do what's right for you and back off.

Unfortunately both people have to want a friendship for it to work and it sounds like she doesn't, or not to the same extent as previously.

Friendships are ( mostly) ephemeral in my experience. Even after many years.

This.

You did well.maintaining it for.4 years. But be real,.you never ever see each other, it is not a real friendship. You need to start doing clubs and get to.know others, it may take a while but you'll find your friends. You'll never find them.if you stay in and keep messaging your old friend. Take it as a sign that you need.to get out more. I wish you all the best and hope you find your group.

I sent her an apology just now but I think she's blocked me so that's that. Can't believe it really after all that time

Don't overthink it; life goes on. Many people are trying to keep off the phone, leaving WhatsApp and stuff like that.

If the friendship is meant to endure, it will!

I think most friendships are built on proximity and familiarity. While you have moved away and struggled to make friends, she has probably gone on to establish friendships which are face to face and more socially satisfying. It's just one of those things.

I’m not sure about a ‘right’ to do anything, but I don’t see why the OP can’t send a message showing her frustration if she wants. She absolutely can! She just has to realise (as she has) that it might shut the door on the friendship for good.

OP, there seem to be ALOT of people on this thread telling you you’re needy and too intense, texting too much etc — because that’s not what THEY do. The thing I think they’re missing is that this is what your friendship was like, on both sides, for four years. She’s suddenly, and without warning or real explanation, changed the rules. She’s obviously entitled to do that (just as you’re ‘allowed’ to be upset and blindsided by it), but of course you’re going to find it hard. She’s effectively (almost) ghosted you. I’m afraid I don’t have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I get it, and I’m sorry. It’s tough. X

You keep repeating this. It doesn’t matter what past patterns of communication were like! She’s very clearly communicated that she doesn’t want to do that any more. Either you accept that or you don’t, and of course you get to be sad about it, privately, but she’s made her position clear. What comes across over and over again in your posts are two things — (1) you’re overly reliant on this friendship and (2) you feel that she ‘owes’ you to continue the same level of communication as in the past, because you were there for her.

Obviously feel sad, and sit with those feelings. But translating them into passive-aggressive ‘I get the message’ texts will get you nowhere. You need to be less reliant on this one friendship. Bluntly, it would be hard for any long distance, text-based friendship to give you the level of support you clearly feel you will require when your parents die. You need to branch out a bit.

In your shoes I would briefly apologise for your last text and say you accept her preference for being on her phone less, and you’ll be in touch. Then leave it for at least a couple of weeks, and don’t just text ‘How are you?’ Say something about what’s going on in your life.