Think I've blown it with friend

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a close friendship with a woman I met at school gate must be more than 15 years ago. Posted about this a few weeks ago. Anyway she suddenly just started ghosting me - we used txt every couple of days sometimes every day and as I live in a different country now that's how we've kept
The friendship going. Anyway she's been distant and just not "there" and I've asked her a few times is she ok is everything ok and eventually she said she was busy.

Anyway after another week or more of no contact I txt her tonight and said I'm sorry I have to say something but have I said or done something to offend u. And she replied straight away saying no but that she had decided to detox off her phone so she could do more walks and especially in the evenings she didn't want to be on her phone. I think it's BS one reason being she replied to me straight away so must have had her phone in her hand: something has happened she just won't tell me . She then said I could "check in" on her if I liked. I got so mad. Is she not going to check in on me then? But I can check in on her? I sent a passive aggressive message that I'm not proud of in hindsight saying that I was getting the message and wouldn't bother her any more she knew where I was if she wanted a conversation. And that it was impossible to maintain a friendship without texting.

She never replied.

I know you will all blame me and will land in on me but I just wish she would
Be honest and say what's wrong. Surely you don't throw away a long friendship like that.

Don't be too mean to me. I've a lot of stress atm and am just so sad as I think I've lost her as a friend. We shared so much and I thought I supported her as much as she did me. I can't sleep. I can imagine what you will all say. I wish I said nothing now. But it was too hard for me to say nothing. Anyone any opinions.

It doesn't sound like it's anything you've done from what you've said. It sounds more like it's something that for whatever reason your friend feels the need to do for herself. Obviously we can't tell what's going on in her head but it could be that she's texting everyone less.

OP she doesn't have a problem, unfortunately you seem to be the problem. It's just too much. You can't berate her after not speaking for only one week, I have close friends I can go months without speaking to.

You want a level of contact that just isn't normal or sustainable for most people and she's done her best to let you down gently.

I'm not sure why you don't believe her.

I would send her another message just saying sorry about the last one; you were feeling a bit raw as her friendship is important to you and then go on to say that you would like to check in with her from time to time and hope she does the same and that it would be sad to lose touch after so many years. Then I’d message her again in a month or 6 weeks and just keep it light.

If she doesn’t reply to either of those then I’d leave it: sad as it is for you.

Friends don’t need constant communication.

You've moved to a different country! The dynamic of your friendship has changed entirely. Long distance friendships often (usually) drift to occasional check ins then just Christmas cards. It'd be too much effort for most people, I'd think, to message every day with someone they don't see in person anymore.

You sound very intense and needy

What are your other friendships like? Are you someone who needs a certain level of communication to feel validated and liked and valued?

I wonder if your friend has simply got tired of the friendship and its requirements and unwritten rules

Move on. Leave your friend alone.

Sometimes friendships run their course and just come to a natural end.

Maybe she has got stuff going on. Maybe you have somehow pissed her off. Maybe she is depressed. Who knows? But it might be kinder to yourself to reframe this as your friendship had a lifespan and it's coming to an end, not because of the maybes, but just because.

Like trees, like humans, like animals, things just don't last forever.

Give yourself some time to grieve. And move on. Check in with your friend occasionally. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Be kind to yourself. Losing friends really hurts, but it's no reason to keep on wondering why and to keep trying to get it back to where it once was. That way lies madness.

You’re implying she owes you an explanation, but she’s already given you one- you’ve just chosen not to believe it.

Kindly OP- do you suffer with low self esteem? You are coming across quite needy and intense, and putting quite a lot of pressure on this one person to fulfill a lot. Also you seem to assume she must secretly hate you rather than the more reasonable and likely explanation that she’s given you.

I would respect your friends explanation for now, and try and work on why this has caused you to react in this way.

Just give her some space. Something may have happened and she's dealing with it on her own and is having some distance while she does.

You aren’t listening.
min your post here you pre-framed that you only wanted to hear positive words, you push back on people saying you ‘knew’ they’d say that and most pertinently you haven’t listened to your friend: she’s taking a break from her phone.

I completely disagree. Not everyone wants to discuss their feelings all the time or lean on others. Sometimes just trying to carry on is the best thing you can do and I think the friend was being needy and making it about her

This.
She has said she is trying to take more of a break from her phone. Many people are starting to realise the down sides of being constantly contactable and not living in the real world and yet you berated her for it.

I moved 4 years ago

How often have you saw her in person during that time?

Just to say no way have I bombarded her with messages. No way. Definitely not a bombardmnet.

When you move overseas friendships do tend to be much harder to maintain and more likely to die off.

Personally, I hate texting. I find it time consuming and tedious. If she's trying to cut down, I can understand why she's not texting so much. What about picking up the phone and calling? Or emailing? If I can use a keyboard rather than phone keypad, I'm much more likely to reply. Maybe your friend feels the same?

Some people are a bit out of sight out of mind when a friend moves away and they can't see each other in person very much.

It's great that you've stayed in touch after 4 years and it doesn't sound like she wants to lose touch altogether. I get being disappointed though especially if you're lonely.

We meet up once or twice a year depending. She's said she will come and visit me but she hasn't. I go back as I have family there near where she still lives. Reading back over our messages I think it's been pretty equal with her helping me with my stuff and me helping her.

4 years is a long time to keep up a friendship when there is little more than text messaging happening.

I've recently let a couple of friendships drift because our communications ended up being just an annual catch up of each other's lives. We don't see each other outside of these catch ups, we don't have shared experiences and our catch ups just became what have you been up to? What are your kids up to now? Type conversations. We had nothing new in our friendships to build on.

There was no fall out and no one dislikes anyone but the closeness we once shared is gone. Its just changing circumstances and life rolling on.

She's said she's having a detox from her phone, which is probably unrelated to you. And you've said 'friendship can't exist without texting' which is total BS anyway, of course it can. But clearly that's not the issue here. She's likely having some sort of her own stress that she didn't want to share with you, or the friendship has reached a natural end. Maybe she will be back in contact in a week or so when the fog has cleared. It'd be a shame to loose a long friendship over one bout of quietness.

I had the experience of being ghosted by a once dear friend of 20 years and it was bith painful and baffling. We didn't live near by but she often came my way on business and popped in for a cuppa afterwards every time, without fail.

Then one time I saw that she'd stayed in my home city on a recreational break foe a few days and hadn't even got in touch ( but plastered it all over facebook)

It was honestly like a switch had flipped and a few months later we had a fall out and I never saw her again. Never did get to the bottom of it, despite asking.

It's a horrible thong to go through. You have my sympathy.

I think this is unfair of Autumn - you don’t have to share difficult parts of your life because it’s a “real friend”. Everyone handles things differently and some people like to handle things themselves/with family. I had a similar fall out with a friend who couldn’t give me space for five minutes when I was having a tricky time because she still wanted help in a (self-imposed) situation. She blew up at me for not asking her for help (why would I want help from someone who always needs my help?) and for dealing with the issue myself. Some people just can’t accept that they aren’t the most important person in your life.

I remember your other post, I think. You said you cried in the car after a longer than usual silence, but what I remember was how aggressive your tone was — either your friend wasn’t messaging or she was replying to you, but doing it ‘wrong’ by talking about the weather, or something? Wouldn’t it just be easier and healthier to acknowledge that there’s probably no ‘secret reason’, that people change over time, and their needs and communication patterns change too? Bluntly, it’s not her fault you’re overly reliant on these messages because you have struggled with friendships in your new location. See this as a wake-up call to get yourself out there doing something you enjoy, where you may meet people you like.

You said you've posted before about it, so it sounds as though the drifting has been organic rather than sudden.
The language she's used about 'checking in' is her way of gently letting you know the vibe has changed for her - she's perhaps been trying to let it drift for a long time, but you've not realised/accepted it.
Long distance relationships and friendships are very difficult to maintain, it seems likely that the drift is down to the distance (rather than you personally).