WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

@CarsCary you're doing great. Don't rock the boat. You sound like a nice person so don't stoop to his level.

He doesn't need to be on birth certificate my boy isn't. If he is on birth certificate he would have rights, he walked away so his loss
❤️

Well said. Plus he will have rights to her son. I was in an abusive relationship and the nurses told me 100% do NOT put him on birth certificate. It has never effected my csa either.

No it’s based on CM +£50!**

He’s offering to pay £50 a month to control you and the whole CM can end overnight if he chose which will leave you high and dry. He will use the fact that he’s not named on the birth certificate as another controlling instrument and will come back to you saying ‘prove it’ etc. He can’t do this to you for the next eighteen years , keeping you dangling hoping that the money will be there the next month. Go to the CSA and get this formalised and they have access to his tax etc so they can be sure you’re paid the right amount, not what he tells you he earns. Be bold be brave and do it for your son. As for telling his new girlfriend I wouldn’t bother because it just looks childish and he’ll pull the voluntary payments straight away. I hope you find someone worthwhile.

In your position I would be sooo tempted to tell the new gf. But like many have said, it’s probably unwise. I think you should continue to focus on pouring every possible resource into your and your son’s wellbeing, including formalising the CM. I know revenge is sweet but from what you say this cold hearted man is incapable of love in any form most normal people would recognise and so their life might look perfect right now but viewing people as disposable has a way of coming back on people, even if it takes years to catch up. The best revenge, as they say, is to live well. It’s a shame for the current lady, who will eventually get hurt, but you’ve got enough parenting to do without looking out for her. All the best x

I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish- is it to warn a young woman about the man she is dating? What if she knows and doesn’t care? What if she doesn’t know and when you tell her she still doesn’t care? What if you tell her and she cares, what is it you want her to do? Dump him? Make him step up? What if she dumps him and he gets a new girlfriend? Is it rinse and repeat? It smacks a bit of a labour intensive way of exacting payback. Which is tiring and not good for your mental health. What I would do is make sure he is named on the birth certificate and pursue him for child support through the courts, make sure it is paid every month without fail. This will make you more financially stable and put a third party in charge of the admin, giving you time to heal. The best revenge is a life lived well so make plans that allow you to live your best life and f*ck this shell of a human being.

What is CM?

My daughter is 30 now. Her Dad tried everything he could to not pay maintenance and sent presents only because his family thought he was a good dad (he left when she was 10) and if he didn’t, they’d know what he actually was. He didn’t see her until she was 19. I’ve stayed quiet about him in front of her, raised her myself without his support. It’s hard for you, I know, but that man is only a sperm donor, not a father, as if he were, he’d have made it work if you were together or not. Put him out of your mind, and move on. He’s not worth a second thought.

I’m sorry £50 child maintenance?! Even if he were to earn £1000 a month (which I so very doubt he does) by the gov calculations he’d owe £120 a month. I’d actually contact child maintenance and get it done properly, if you know where he works or can find out they can do it properly for you! Get every penny he owes to that child! X

it's £50 over what he's required to pay, not £50

No don't tell her. Pretend he doesn't exist. Don't give the absolute muther fucker a second thought. He is obviously fucking derranged to be able to abandon his family like that. He has no business in your life

Oh my god. No, please, you have to tell her. If I were her I would be SO grateful for this information. This man abandoned you at a time when you were the most vulnerable. He abandoned his child. If someone messaged me letting me know all this about the guy I was seeing I wouldn’t be able to thank them enough.

Maybe he’s told her. Maybe she doesn’t care. But maybe she doesn’t know, and you informing her would be an act of public service

Also how much is he giving you. Cos if he went there for a super duper payrise he might owe you alot. I would be wanting to make sure this is right and your not entitled to more.

That’s my mistake for not reading properly!

it's a bit of a weird way to phrase it, maybe she didn't want people getting distracted by the amount

Wow. I am not surprised. I was in your shoes, met someone, had a child with him and learned he had other kids he abandoned AFTER I got pregnant. Like it was hidden for several years. Had someone told me, I would have broken things off with him and moved on. Then he did the same to me and my special needs child, and stopped paying maintenance as he moved to another continent. Eventually I got him, took a few years, yet got him held accountable,

so be sure to be clear on your motivation to tell her.

And get yourself a solicitor and get a proper child support payment for your child.

I wish someone had told me, I was in the same situation. He was a deadbeat, I learned too late, had a chld by then, then he became a deadbeat to my kid. As in true deadbeat-- disappeared and did not pay the court ordered maintenance.

You can't trust him so don't let him make a fool of you. Why on earth would he have the moral values to pay over the CMS calculation when he doesn't even have the moral values to make any effort to meet or bond with his child.

I would either want to see his latest pay slip on demand when you want it and each annual P60. If he refuses go via CMS.

Forget the gf, she is not your problem.

Call me cynical but I don't believe you'd really be doing this out of an altruistic desire to help the new gf. When people say this it's always just a justification for getting one over on their ex.

I'd just apply for CM and not give him any ammunition to say you're harassing him. A rich, successful guy like him will always be able to find another pretty gf. Just worry about yourself IMO.

Please bare in mind she might already know.

Do not message her.
Your priority is your son, and considering he is currently paying maintenance and is not on the birth certificate, my concern would be that he may stop the payments and your son will suffer, You’d then have the added stress of court battles etc.
It’s totally understandable to feel jealous.
It might not feel that way right now, but it honestly sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet.

Oh gosh. Poor you. You’ve been massively let down by this boy(I’m calling him a boy because obviously he’s not a man emotionally, only in age)
I can understand that relationships end, but your son is his son. I suspect that he will regret the lack of contact at some point, whilst you are building a strong relationship with your son. He may be having this opulent, fancy lifestyle with this woman, but, has it got love, caring, substance? Most likely not, people who need to advertise how wonderful their life is on social media constantly, are often the ones with emptiness.
I wouldn’t message her. It would only inflame the situation, stop looking at his social media. Concentrate on your son, your family who love you. Apart from a bit of financial support, he’s no longer part of your life.
I know you don’t want your son to grow without a dad, but it doesn’t sound like he’d be a good role model. Bring your son up to respect.
I’m wishing you so much good luck. Be brave, you’ll get through this hurt. You honestly will. 🥰

If you are broken hearted file legal stuff to get him on the birth certificate and proper maintenance. I’m guessing you like the control of his being off the certificate and don’t have to be involved with the guy anymore and coordinate visitation, even lose your son some nights. Think of the men your kid could have in his life already, uncle and grandfather and perhaps more if you partner in future. Leave it be unless you want to deal with this person again. Don’t waste that many years again. Going through another woman to get back at him is childish and petty and not her fault. I think you are grieving the family you thought you would have and your life seems selfless and not supported. Poking him and her in the eye won’t help. It would create unnecessary drama and stress for you. I don’t think you want this for your son. 50 a month with no guarantee is hardly supportive. But you have freedom. He can answer his son at 10 or 15 or whatever age where the heck he was all that time. Your job is mom not to make dad be dad or even find him a dad.

I’d be so angry and want to derail his new relationship too.

But I agree, best to try and stay out of it for your sake. Get the sister to do it instead.

You sound like a lovely person so I’m sure good things are coming your way even though it’s been a hard few years.

whereas sooner or later karma will catch up with him.