WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

There’s so many naive people posting on here. It’s highly unlikely the new girlfriend will care that he has a child he doesn’t see. Do you think she’ll want to involve your child (and in doing so have to communicate with you) in their glamorous lifestyle? My ex husband has had one pretty girlfriend after another since we split and none of them have taken any interest in our children that he barely sees. Telling his sister so she can contact the girlfriend, then the sister will tell him you put her up to it if he gets mad with her for interfering, is so bloody foolish. I get zero maintenance for my two children from my ex as he uses legal loopholes to get out of it. Be grateful yours is reliably giving you a decent monthly payment and please stop putting that at risk for petty nonsense. I know it’s tough to see him splashing the cash and living a much more comfortable lifestyle than you (my ex is the same and I’m bitter too) but ensuring you keep getting that monthly money for your child should be your priority.

Ah misread £1000 a month I get £30 ... am bitter lol.

This.
Frankly she isn't your concern.

I think this is a good idea. The new girlfriend is given full disclosure and it won't come back on you.

Men like him are utter shits.

Don’t rock the boat. He’s kept his word and pays towards his son each month. Awful he doesn’t want anything else to do with him but it’s his loss. Youve nothing to gain from telling her, it could all backfire.

By all means, pursue full maintenance first. If you message her first, he'll probably make you out to be the bad guy, and this may even get in the way of you getting what your baby needs. Get your child's needs covered first, then message the girl. Come to think of it, she may even find out about the baby without you having to message her. After all, there will be something new going on in his life, with him having to deal with CM, and that might somehow come to her attention.

No. What does she have to do with it?

You know people on min wage paying more than £1000? I honestly can’t see that happening, they’d have no income themselves to live off. He’s already paying more than you’re suggesting he pays & it’s more than the CMS amount

If he pays £1k per month then just leave it at that as that is a lot of child maintenance. Believe me when I say the CMS is a NIGHTMARE and you may end up getting a lot less. If he’s paying consistently then don’t rock the boat and that includes NOT emailing the gf. You will not gain anything doing that other than looking like the vengeful ex and the maintenance may stop. The maintenance is for your son so don’t deny him of that because you’re angry and want to lash out. If she stays with him, she will find out. Karma works in mysterious ways. PS your ex sounds like a vile selfish man.

a. Get the payments formalised. This will ensure they go up with inflation.
b. Put him on the birth certificate if possible.
c. Do his paternal grandparents know about their grandson? I think they're the ones l'd tell.
d. Don't tell new girlfriend. That is his task.
e. Enjoy your lovely son.

Having been in the same boat I wouldn't bother. You can claim CM at any point so don't worry if he is meeting his commitments. If he starts another family and the money dries up that's a different issue.

You can't tell what the future will bring. He might get ill, you might meet someone amazing, anything really. Tell your son about his dad in terms of looks their share or weird quirks and don't dwell on the why he left stuff. You want your son to not think about his dad in terms of the grass would be greener if he was around.

You sound like an absolute trooper. Keep going. It gets easier.

Oh OP, you sound like a nice person and a good mum. I'm sorry this has happened to you. About a decade ago, something similar happened with my friend - her gaslighting and emotionally mean boyfriend made plan for her to move to New York with him where he'd been offered a job - she'd quit her job and everything - only for him to turn around and ditch her horrifically at the last minute. She was pregnant and he did not want to know. Literally two months later she saw photos of him on Facebook with another woman. She debated ages if she should tell her - and in the end decided not to. By the end of the year she'd had given birth to twins! She still wonders if the new woman knows how horrendous he was, but was glad, in the end, not to be tangled in their lives.

I wouldn’t. Doubtful it would make much difference, it certainly won’t change his mind about wanting to be involved in his son’s life. He’s obviously made it very clear that he doesn’t want that. He may well have told his new woman that he has a child but is completely distanced from him, other than paying more than he is required to in maintenance.
If the new GF already knows, telling her would achieve nothing.
if she doesn’t know, it might cause them to argue, split up or have no effect at all, but none of those outcomes will make any difference to either you or your son, so again, it achieves nothing.
You’re better off getting the maintenance formalised and moving on.

@PlopSofa thank you so much ❤️ I’m sat here In tears but in. A happy way, thank you .. this gives me hope my boys will not feel the loss. Everybody says I do so well with them, we travel the world just us 3, and my sons know so much about the world they make me soo proud! Not just about being well traveled but I hope they never grow up feeling they have missed out on anything. And it’s hard because we are all autistic and have literally no support, no days off, no help, no grandparents etc…. I tell them everyday how much I love them and want them in my life, before we go to sleep we always say what we are thankful for. My five year old tells me every night he’s thankful for his mother because “she takes care of us” and “takes us around the world” and “cooks and cleans for us😂” being a single mother is a blessing in disguise because growing up with a mother who neglected me, i’ve proved to myself that I can do it and I will never put nothing or nobody before my boys… thank you for your kind words ❤️❤️🥰🤗

What does your son have to gain from this?
What does your son have to lose from this?

Life isn’t about you and your ex and his new girlfriend any more.
Life is about your child and what’s best for him.
Life isn’t about settling scores when you have a child who doesn’t know what settling scores means.
Because, admit it — this is all about settling scores.

Don't even bother! I had my daughter at 17, her "dad" told me it was him or the baby, I chose the baby!!! Yes it was a struggle, watching him have so much money and travel around the world with a different girlfriend every month, whilst I wasn't getting a penny of child maintenance! But tbh, I didn't want it!! I struggled, tremendously, but 2 years later I met a man who also had a child, and took on my daughter as his own! Fast forward 8 years, my partner is her dad, her biological dad has never ever bothered, not on the birth certificate, never met her, never paid a penny, and I am so glad!! She has had such a wonderful up bringing, we went on to have a child of our own 5 years ago, she now has 2 brothers who love her dearly and my partner is nothing short of a dad to her. Honestly, leave him be, he doesn't deserve a child. You both deserve to be happy and loved, hold out, it will happen! But for now, make memories together, love him twice as much, and cherish every moment. He will respect you far more for it in the long run <3

It will push them closer together if you contact his ex.
I wouldn't worry, he sounds like an avoidant shit head and his relationship probably won't last long.

As baffling as it is, some women just don't care about how badly their current partner has treated an ex. They always think that it won't happen to them. Move on and keep him out of your life. It very much sounds like you are better off without him.

Wait until he’s engaged or married to do the “he has a child from a previous relationship” big reveal. Don’t waste your time telling a girlfriend, she might not even be that into him.

There is no point in doing so. You will gain nothing and only stir up drama. The objective facts are that your ex left you heavily pregnant to pursue a more wealthy lifestyle; he has done that and refused to meet his child. He is a shallow person, he will continue to be a shallow person whether he is with this lady or someone else later down the line. You don’t owe this woman anything and you will gain nothing by telling her about his past, just block delete carry on with your life.

£50 a month? Go to CMS! And yes I’d tell her. You have nothing to loose and could potentially save her from him. If she chooses not to listen you’ve done your bit.

It’s really sad - but I wouldn’t. You have your beautiful son, his loss. Why lower yourself and also maybe she does know

"I’ve actually mentioned this all to his sister now. She has said she might actually message her (from a hey see your dating xxx he’s my brother and blocked me, how is he? Everyone has worried perspective) and drop it that he has a son while doing that, not sure if that’s a great idea but I’ll leave that up to her."

It's a lot better coming from her than you or the friend who showed you the Insta posts. For a couple of reasons

1. If the new gf says "hey I got a message from your sister who says you blocked her. I didn't know you had a sister" He'll have to say, "Yes, I had to block her cos she is a crazy bitch" "She said you have a tiny son by an ex" "Yeah I had to block my ex cos she is a crazy bitch too". Makes him sound like he has the problem...
2. You mutual friend is your sleeper agent. Lily white, or ghost spy in the camp, or whatever they call it. He might have forgotten she even follows him, or know that you are friends. She can quietly keep an eye on gf's Insta profile for any "So proud of this one getting a massive promotion " or him getting careless and saying "Yay to bonus season!! Paying for Barbados!!" on his profile. Then if your son's maintenance payments don't increase...BOOM you can move in and catch him unawares.

It's so hard for you. And you're clearly being pretty amazing with your own family situation. In your shoes I think I'd prioritise getting a better financial contribution for my child before I worried about the other woman. If you do start the process of getting a fairer contribution, she may find out anyway but I think it's important you protect your child's interest first. If you start off by tipping her off, you'll just make him more difficult to deal with as he'll want to get back at you. Ultimately your child is your priority.

All that glitters isnt gold..lets be honest, everything looks glam on Instagram. I already feel sorry for his new girlfriend, with guys like this, its a matter of time before he drops her like a hot potatoe. A man that has little/ no regard for his own child/children is a dangerous liability and cannot be trusted. Focus on bringing up your son and getting yourself on track. You will look back in years to come and thank yourself for it. I assure you your son will also thank you for it 🙏😉