WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

He pay £1000/month.

Ah, this happens to me when my cat types the replies!

You say you’re short of money now, he will stop the payments if you go meddling. Best thing is get the payments legit, chances are he’s not paying you enough. That will be enough to stop his jaunts with her. Many ways to skin a cat!

@whathaveiforgotten is one of the posters giving you great sound advice.

@Sailonsilverrgirl i agree the amount of posters not able to comprehend a stated piece of information is shocking.

Thanks for the correction, you're quite right, I didn't read the whole thread. Shall correct...

And as I said much earlier: are you going to tell his next girlfriend and the one after that etc, ad nauseum? How would you decide who to tell if you contact his current? Just those on Instagram? Or who are younger? Or what? Are you going to be happy with just this one? Or do you want revenge for ever? Please don't go down the path of revenge, I honestly think it can cause the person doing it more pain than it's worth. You aren't in some Greek tragedy. Get on with the life you have,which could be excellent.

@CarsCary I would personally not trust this bloke as far as I could throw him. Contact CM yourself & make sure his calculation hasn’t been fabricated to fit what he thinks he should be paying. The fact that he has offered to pay £50 more than that amount without so much as a whine or a grumble is ringing massive alarm bells for me.
As for the new girlfriend that is a hard one BUT if I was her I would want to know I was with someone who could choose to do what he has! It speaks volumes about him as a person.
The other thing here, for me, is that he has made his feelings clear about not wanting to have contact with his child so you sort of have to respect his wishes there BUT he could have maintained contact if he wanted to even if that was just a few times a year until child was old enough to make their own decision on contact or travel to see dad.

He’s created a baby with you, I assume you sort of planned this, ten chosen money over parenting because it is the easier option!

She'd get a letter from his solicitors and a warning I expect.

You could rock the boat and warn this woman, she may not care, she may already know, he may stop paying, you could be entitled to more, or less. He may want to start visits. there are so many moving parts in all of this, but just remember your child is at the forefront of all of this.

I want to say, regardless of the payment received, do you want what you have at the moment to change, while he doesn't want anything to do with his child, which is just bat shit crazy, do you want him to be part of your childs life, would you possibly want him to be a more significant part anyway knowing he's never meet him or tried to meet him.

For me your options are two:

Follow up with CMS - but you already have an agreement in place, the only reason IMO to do this would be if you felt he wasn't paying enough or he stops paying.

Leave well alone.

The government has a calculator for what child maintenance should be, based on incomes, time spent together etc. He agreed to pay that PLUS £50 per month on top. He is not just paying 50 a month

Nope. Don’t. There could be results you don’t want. It’s not as if he was dating her before you split. You wouldn’t go with, in his eyes perhaps, putting others before him. Not unreasonably to an onlooker but he might have felt well down the list of your priorities. So he moves to his job, starts a new life. There’s nothing wrong in that.
You made your decision, he’s made his.
You should let it go and let him go as long as he pays according to your agreement.
You can’t keep telling all his gfs. Maybe she already knows. He hasn’t abandoned completely. He pays and tbh I think you have the better deal rather than the hassle of splitting custody and the wars that can ensue. Live your life. Let him live his.

Why do people say stuff like this? The OP CANNOT just ‘add his name to the birth certificate! Think about it for one second. If it was that simple what would stop her adding Elon Musk or Prince William if she fancied it? An unmarried father has to go with the mother to register the birth if he wants his name on there. Otherwise it has to be done via the courts and will cost the OP time and money.

Your story has really broken my heart. What a horrible SOB!! Leaving you is one thing, but the baby you had together? Especially as your were together, in some form, during the pregnancy. 😔

No, don’t get in touch with her. You will gain nothing. Focus on your precious boy.. his father doesn’t want to be involved, so fuck him - he’s just a sperm donor.

Surround yourself with your family and friends as you raise your little boy… things will get better. I don’t know how or when, but he’s your treasure and yours alone.. you’ll have a beautiful life together, whatever come in your future.

Wishing you all the best ❤️❤️❤️

Exactly!!

There’s no point reaching out to her. He will definitely control the narrative. He will make you sound like a crazy person and may even minimise the relationship of 6 years to a drunken 1 night stand, or worse, say he was one of many “dad-candidates”.

I understand the desire to tell this woman what she’s dealing with but OP, you don’t owe her anything. Protect your mental health and stay away. Karma will get him. Like another poster said, go and have a fabulous life - make this your best life!

In the UK, you can add your ex-boyfriend's name to his son's birth certificate by re-registering the birth:
Evidence: You'll need to provide evidence that your ex-boyfriend is the father, such as a signed declaration by you.
Cost: The application fee is £83 or £99.
Contact: You can contact the register office where the birth was registered to find out how to apply, the cost, and how to pay if your ex-boyfriend re-registers the birth with you, he'll automatically acquire full parental responsibilities and rights.
You can't apply to correct a birth registration to show new information if circumstances change after the birth is registered. However, you can re-register the birth if the natural parents get married at a later date.

If he isn’t interested in cooperating/doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate she will need a court order. Doing this would automatically give him parental responsibility which can make her life more complicated assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65e8922c62ff48001a87b2bf/J+-+GRO185.pdf

Note: as above
You can contact the register office where the birth was registered to find out how to apply, the cost, and how to pay if your ex-boyfriend re-registers the birth with you, he'll automatically acquire full parental responsibilities and rights.
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65e8922c62ff48001a87b2bf/J+-+GRO185.pdf

OP you sound like a wonderful mummy to your beautiful baby. I’m so sorry he’s dropped the both of you like this, but it’s absolutely his loss. He’s paying you a generous amount and hasn’t contacted you regarding wanting contact so I’d leave it. She’ll soon leave when they get serious and want to move in and is wondering where a grand of his wages are going every month. You are doing a fab job for the both of you xx

It sounds to me that you wanted different things in life he was more ambitious than you and you didn't want to follow him to London for your own reasons. He probably never wanted a child but he is supporting you well financially, why rock the boat. I know a lot of single mothers who have trouble or getting very little maintenance.

Leave sleeping dogs lie.

£1000 a month child maintenance & the absent father has no legal to the child. This is a big benefit to the poster/ mom of baby.

Absent father sounds like he lost his head after he lost his mom, with a pocket full of inheritance.

In time this worm will turn , you should sit tight and wait for your day . I truly believe at some point he will become curious and reach out. It is then upto you what you do.

There is no point in rocking your boat financially as you might end up with a lot less. Maybe do some research on what he would pay if it went through the CM route just so you know.

The absent father sounds like he had a personality change , you were with him for a long time 8 years ! & for him not to want to see his child is very strange........BUT death and grief can bring out the worst in people and be responsible for all sorts of disgusting behaviour.

I would say keep your dignity cary on being the fab mom that you are, do not contact the girlfriend as it is not your responsibility . Hold tight and wait for your day . You will have a financial trail of him paying money into your account & as I see it , that is evidence he knows he is the biological father.

We all, would like a bit of revenge in this situation but believe me the best time is when you are not hurting from his shocking behaviour.

Look after yourself and your son & get ready for the next bombshell. He may try and crawl back or even decide to stop paying his maintenance. Expect the unexpected keep all evidence, back statements, photographs everything from your past that was with him so that you can prove the existence of your relationship.

I wouldn't tell her. No need to complicate your own life.

You sound such a caring person. I’d try to concentrate on your own life and what you can do to improve that. Forget him. No good will come of interfering

I have been in this position. Being strictly practical, I would worry about jeopardising what money you can get from him if you stir the pot (bringing up a child is hard work and it ain’t cheap), and I would give myself time to decide if I want there to be a complete schism between your son and his father…when he grows your son may want contact? Having said that…his potential relationship with your/his son is not a given/a right, he would have to show he was worthy of it. It sounds to me your (already) triple caring responsibilities, compounded by you becoming pregnant with your mutual child has sent him running for the hills into the arms of a trophy date, free to trip the light fantastic across the globe. I do wonder tbh whether you will be able to refrain from telling her anyway, once you’ve had a few…cruelly, social media makes it way too easy to still see into your ex’s life. In terms of ‘unreasonable’…surely he’s the one being unreasonable to cut off all ties like that from his former fiancée and child. I’m sorry…you don’t deserve this. However…you lucked out. You’re the one with your child, not him. Good luck 💕