WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Karma will get him, my sister had very similar ( no child involved ) he was showing off holidays etc etc and married new lady within three months, then after 6 months she ditched and divorced him, now his having a huge pity party ..While she met a lovely feller, getting married soon and both never been happier.. move on x

this thread is very confusing…

OP earns 31k year, her EX pays her 12k a year. If OP think ex earns way more than has let on then approach things legally go to CMS

Things that are none of her concern
Ex’s inheritances
ex’s choice of career
ex’s girlfriends lifestyle

clearly they OP and her ex are incompatible- Ex wants growth, moves to London for better prospects and OP enjoys stability, comfort wants to stay up North not change careers/job.

OP should frankly focus on building her life and enjoying with her child.

Get his name in you sons birth certificate the child has aright to know who is father is. If you expire before he can speak, he'll never know and he should know! And get child maintenance legalised in a court, get a solicitor to deal with that. That gets an attachment to earnings . Then when you've done all of that and only when you've done that and you can notify his girlfriend!

Sorry about typing errors

You sound wonderful 🥰 wish you all the best with your lovely boys. Autistic too and know the struggle 🤗

Getting intouch with his girlfriend may give you a little satisfaction but, he will tell her a pack of lies and you will gain nothing from it.....Stuff him, he is missing out , being a parent is the best thing ever. You sound like a lovely person, looking after your parents, and your son. The ex boyfriend sounds like a right dickhead and you are well rid...travelling here, there and everywhere is nothing, you have the best life because you have your son. You carry on doing the best you can, because l imagine you are doing a marvellous job, the ex doesn't matter. Leave him in the past where he belongs. Take care

Nah I wouldn’t bother.
mid make the child payments official though as no doubt he’s lying to you about how much he earns!

£50 a month? Go to CMS! And yes I’d tell her.

She’s receiving £1000 a month not £50.

Take care of you and your son and don’t involve yourself in his life. It’s unfortunate that you were unable to join him in London but it doesn’t sound like he should have turned down the opportunity. Should he be more of a hands on dad, yes, should you spend another moment expending mental energy on him, absolutely not. Start building your own life. You will find a loving person willing to share it and that’s where you should put your energy. Don’t look at the social media! It will only set you back. Best of luck to you.

AGREE with all this ^

Holy crap, I have never in my life earned anywhere near what you earn, and only got £40 per month for a baby and 14yr old, from my ex. I don't know how you can possibly be struggling on £32k per year! That said, I definitely would want to know if my boyfriend had a kid, that he was paying maintenance for, regardless of whether he was in the child's life or not. Just be careful how you tell her, you don't want to come across as being a crazy jealous ex. Good luck 🍀

Thank you for the unnecessary analysis of my comment.

Abso-fucking-lutely

Normally, I would leave an ex in the past but in this scenario, his behaviour is abhorrent

New woman deserves a warning...keep taking birth control

You said you weren't going to contact her. With kindness it seems you are determined for her to know one way or another. Why did you need to say anything to his sister? This does seem a little divisive, not quite doing it yourself but letting someone close to him and credible (his own sister) do it on your behalf. This is not going to look like you are genuinely concerned and want to help his girlfriend by letting her know he has a child and I foresee it backfiring.

I think it’s about time no one pretended that this was an act of care for the new girlfriend. It’s a desire for revenge (an emotion I understand is sometimes reasonable) but the OP will regret this.

No good will come from egging his sister into contacting the new girlfriend. You’ve been warned.

This so so awful!

£50 a month is little more than a reasonable night out, that is the issue here. He is allowed to get on with his life as you are, but £50 a month is paltry £50 x 12 x 16 = £9600 - equivalent to 1 summer holiday. Not equivalent to bringing up a child...

Well the child maintenance needs to be done properly via child maintenance, he certainly should not be paying only £50 over the min, it is a % of their earnings, but if his name is not on the birth certificate you might have problems doing that

Shoe on the other foot? That will help determine your decision making.

@JustAnotherDadOf2

He is sending £1000 a month.

So £192,000 if he pays that for 16 years.

OP would be absolutely crazy to contact his girlfriend and in doing so piss him off, risking losing that money for her son (deadbeat, disengaged dads like him find ways to get out of paying e.g. fudging numbers / setting up their own ltd company etc) AND risk him deciding he wants parental responsibility so she can no longer make autonomous decisions about what is best for her son.

I actually was in a relationship for a long time with someone only to find out they had a child they barely saw. It was a complete headfuck because the child was quite young when I first met him but I only found out about them years later (after we broke up as it happens). It was a compleiheadfuck because I would never have believed that someone who talked to me sometimes about wanting a child, already had a child but I think he just erased that part of his life from his mind when he moved on. So I would say if I was the new girlfriend I would definitely like to know and you could be doing her a favour.
But I also wouldn't do anything that would jeapordise the maintenance you get. If he decided to be petty there are lots of ways he could do so and CMS can be pretty toothless at the best of times
So his sister mentioning it to the new girlfriend not you is probably for the best. So long as there is no way it can be traced back to/blamed on you..

But echoing others, you owe yourself and your son more than you owe the new girlfriend so even though I can see in her shoes I would want to know she isn't the priority.

Please tell her!

one of my closest friends had a LTR with a man who had secret children!! She was engaged to him too! She dumped him on the spot for the lies.

awful time for her - she wasted those years on a man she would never marry!

Please read all of the posts. He is paying £1000 per month and has paid more on 2 occasions.