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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner cooking for other women?

135 replies

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:46

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

OP posts:
ByTealShaker · 15/10/2024 14:48

I think the actual issue is that you’re in a long distance relationship and by your admittance a jealous type.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:50

I view the cooking as something special he does for me and his closest relatives.

He only mentioned these women for the first time to me during the dinner. I can be jealous but I don't want him to be lonely and not have friends either.

OP posts:
Catza · 15/10/2024 14:51

You know you are jealous, so work on that and don't try to control what your partner does. There will always be something that will make you feel jealous. The problem is you.

elizzza · 15/10/2024 14:52

It might help you to think through what you’re actually worried about. Is it genuinely that you think cooking should only be done for a partner or close relatives - so you’d feel the same if he was talking about cooking for a male friend, or a couple?

ThisBlueCrab · 15/10/2024 14:53

Sorry you are being weird. There is nothing wrong with him cooking for friends.

PinkArt · 15/10/2024 14:53

Yes, really unreasonable. It's cooking for a couple of friends. He won't have friends if he has to say that he can't cook for people because it's 'a special thing he just does for his girlfriend and his parents' because they will rightly think that sounds unhinged.

SBHon · 15/10/2024 14:53

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person
Work on making yourself better OP, not holding your partner down.

TartfulRidesAgain2 · 15/10/2024 14:54

Cooking and eating together is a social thing rather than something you only do for specific people. Are you concerned they might want pudding?

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:54

elizzza · 15/10/2024 14:52

It might help you to think through what you’re actually worried about. Is it genuinely that you think cooking should only be done for a partner or close relatives - so you’d feel the same if he was talking about cooking for a male friend, or a couple?

I suppose I wouldn't feel the same if he was cooking for a make friend or a couple.

I only cook for him and wouldn't cook for a make friend. That's me though.

OP posts:
Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 14:56

So if he wasn't cooking for these women would you be OK with his friendship with them?

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:58

@Lifeisarealchallenge probably? He socializes plenty in public.

The thought of going to these womens homes and cooking for them is different somehow. He said he had an immediate connection to one of them and got on quite well with the other, I think the way he put it sounded a bit odd to me.

OP posts:
elizzza · 15/10/2024 14:59

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:54

I suppose I wouldn't feel the same if he was cooking for a make friend or a couple.

I only cook for him and wouldn't cook for a make friend. That's me though.

Show quote history

Okay, so it’s not actually about cooking for other people. Is it spending time with women? Does he have any female friends (other than these two new friends)? Do you have any male friends?

(Doesn’t seem that helpful to just say “yes you’re unreasonable”, I think the only way through jealous feelings is to work out what’s going on under them)

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:00

@elizzza at the moment he has several male friends he spends time with

He doesn't do this with any women apart from his ex he meets once or twice a year, and another woman he sees when she's in town (lives far away).

So none locally apart from in a group.

OP posts:
Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:01

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:58

@Lifeisarealchallenge probably? He socializes plenty in public.

The thought of going to these womens homes and cooking for them is different somehow. He said he had an immediate connection to one of them and got on quite well with the other, I think the way he put it sounded a bit odd to me.

Well if he is saying things like " having an immediate connection " to one of the women then that puts a whole new light on things.
I wouldn't be happy with that because he has basically told you he is attracted to one of them.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 15:01

Respectfully OP, if you’re a jealous person a LDR is never going to work. If it’s not this cooking scenario it will be his work Christmas do, or his female neighbour asking for help moving, or after work drinks on a Friday night.
There’s no shame in admitting when a situation isn’t for you.

Edited: just seen your update. You don’t get to hang out with people you “have an immediate connection with” when you have a girlfriend, let alone in a LDR when boundaries are more important than ever. I don’t think this is jealousy, I think this is you listening to your gut.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:04

One positive is he said he can bring a plus one to a work function in January

I do feel it would put a different light on things if at some point I can meet them and they are aware of me and us as a couple.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:01

Well if he is saying things like " having an immediate connection " to one of the women then that puts a whole new light on things.
I wouldn't be happy with that because he has basically told you he is attracted to one of them.

Show quote history

Yeah I did wonder.

For me I can have an immediate connection with a woman and it just means we hit it off and became friends. But maybe subconsciously I picked up on that from him.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

YABU sounds like a you problem tbh, he’s done nothing wrong

NewName24 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 15:01

Respectfully OP, if you’re a jealous person a LDR is never going to work. If it’s not this cooking scenario it will be his work Christmas do, or his female neighbour asking for help moving, or after work drinks on a Friday night.
There’s no shame in admitting when a situation isn’t for you.

Edited: just seen your update. You don’t get to hang out with people you “have an immediate connection with” when you have a girlfriend, let alone in a LDR when boundaries are more important than ever. I don’t think this is jealousy, I think this is you listening to your gut.

Edited

This.

Yes YABU, but if you aren't able, or willing to work on your jealousy and your desire to control who your partner sees and how he spends his time when he isn't with you, then you are going to struggle to maintain a relationship anyway. That is probably what you need to work on.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/10/2024 15:06

YABU. This is something you need to work on because a long term relationship isn’t going to work otherwise.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 15/10/2024 15:07

Your jealousy, lack of trust and wish to control will destroy your relationship.

YABU

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:08

I don't want to lose him. So if I have things to work on I should.

The thought of this just made me feel uncomfortable. Sounds like it's my issue and others wouldn't be bothered.

OP posts:
rarebits · 15/10/2024 15:10

I’d be very bothered if my partner said he had ‘an immediate connection’ to a woman and then went over to cook for her (and her friend, but only because she’s also there, because let’s be honest here…it’s about the one with ‘the connection’).

Listen to your gut.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:11

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:04

One positive is he said he can bring a plus one to a work function in January

I do feel it would put a different light on things if at some point I can meet them and they are aware of me and us as a couple.

I agree with this.

If you actually meet up with them they will see you as a couple, and you will also be in a much better position to judge the vibes of his relationship with these women - particularly how he acts with the one he feels he "has a connection with. "

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:13

rarebits · 15/10/2024 15:10

I’d be very bothered if my partner said he had ‘an immediate connection’ to a woman and then went over to cook for her (and her friend, but only because she’s also there, because let’s be honest here…it’s about the one with ‘the connection’).

Listen to your gut.

I think is what really bothers me.

Because when I was single my friends and I occasionally did this and it was really a way for one to spend more with the man and suss out the situation.

OP posts: