To not want partner cooking for other women?

[Kendra43]

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

This is fascinating. Like the time I learned from Mn that the cinema is ‘date territory’

I do genuinely wonder whether it isn’t entirely exhausting to view every single person you could technically have sex with (the milkman! Gary from HR! The next-door neighbour!) purely in those terms.

If the women love together is it not possible that they're in a relationship with each other ? Are you worried about him going off either one?

You are trying to be controlling just because a woman dresses it up as jealousy does not make it right

I suppose this is possible.

In which case why wouldn't they tell him or be open about it? It's the 21st century after all.

You are so certain about the details of their life and the content of all of their conversations based on one comment?
Having worked in an office with a lot of women of all ages, I can just as easily imagine a scenario where someone might say as a joke/compliment "Marcus, this cake you brought is amazing. What do you say, you baked it yourself? God, I wish you moved in and cooked for me/us!" In fact, my older female colleagues said it to me on multiple occasions and I never took it as an actual invitation.

I feel OP would prefer to accept that the issue is hers, that she is controlling and or jealous; because she's uncomfortable that her boyfriend is cooking dinner for a woman she hasn't met and is a newly acquired work friend and her flatmate he has said he felt a connection to. It's not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable.
OP seems not to want to raise it because she basically doesn't want to rock the boat, or risk losing her bf. But saying that this is a situation she's not comfortable is setting a boundary and I can't believe the numbers on here who think she shouldn't have at least a conversation about it and instead have suggested the problem is with OP.

You think his cooking is special, he might not if he does it all the time and takes baked goods to work

The issue is your jealous not his cooking

The best thing to come out of this discussion with your partner would be that you address and eventually dispel feelings of jealousy. It really is an awful emotion to experience and one you would be well-advised to free yourself from. That is of course easier said than done. You are not alone - all of us have felt jealousy over someone at some time in our lives - the difference is in choosing to submit to it or learning to deal with. There are a few sites online that set out what the emotion is and offer tips and strategies for dealing with it.

jealousy is the problem and it will kill any relationship you have

first it’ll be the fact it’s women he’s cooking for in their place, next you’ll not want him being known as the best baker for bringing baked goods to work, next he’ll stop cooking and baking cos you don’t like it if it’s not for you.

it’s a really ugly emotion and if you truly care for him you need to work on that.

if he ends up cheating on you then he’s not worth having anyway so no loss.

Hi op,

well, that won’t work is it? How on earth will you know if or if not he is cooking for someone else as you are long distance?

He kindly said something so you can veto…maybe…or testing where you are at with your feelings? Or if the relationship is « open »?
None of these would be great for you honestly…

He just made you doubt. He can’t and you can’t undo that.

Sorry op 🌺

@Kendra43

Has your DP actually set a date to go and cook for his friends? If not in an of itself it's a flippant remark many people make in the course of a work day.

What has made my ears prick up is that he also mentioned a crush in the city you were visiting and how he didn't do anything because he was attached. Bit odd to mention it, was he after an award for being a good boy? Again in and of itself nothing to worry about.

Then he mentions having an immediate connection to one of his new friends .... starting to consider he has something on his mind that's leaking out. Is he trying to push your buttons in some way? Make you jealous or is it something else? Whatever it is he has delivered a dose of instability in your relationship.

Then I spotted this in one of your posts

My main worry is that although he loves me he wants to experience something else. Before me he was in a long marriage and never really had the experiences others did.

WTF does that mean?

On the whole having female friends isn't normally a problem but he is mentioning a couple of odd things around women he has a connection to outside of your relationship and while he loves you he wants to experience something else ... what exactly?

It's not unreasonable to ask what he wants from your relationship. Are you a holiday companion with benefits with or without mutual exclusivity or are you a long term DP where you will be making plans to move closer and spend more time together. Either is fine as a relationship if you are both happy with that but you don't seem terribly happy about any of it.

You don't have to question his friendships with other women but he's making your standing in the relationship unstable and picking at something he possibly knows you might get jealous about. Communication is key in a relationship, it might be nothing or he might as you mentioned in your OP be Testing the Waters for something else.

Either way it is making you doubt yourself, personally I'd ask for a discussion about where this relationship is going and how he sees the future panning out.

I am long distance and if my partner told me he was going to cook for two women we'd be having words.

Also... How would he behave or react if yoy told him a male colleague he's never met but you have a connection with is coming over to cook for you next week...?

I'd tell him oh, weird.. Snap cos I'm doing the same next week. I won't be able to come to you Friday as xxx is coming I've to cook for me but I'll see you the Saturday Instead

It would expect he is cooking for them because he is bored and enjoys cooking and was delighted to have a new friend to hang out with. I can see your perspective too of course. I think you could suggest a dinner party next time you are at his and get to meet and hang out with these women. Who knows it could become an important friendship in your future. I always found it easier to make male friends than female when I was younger, for whatever reason, but this was always much easier when I was already in a relationship. It takes the attraction question out of a friendship and I always found men more open and relaxed around me when I wasn't single. Nothing ever amounted to anything other than friendship. Maybe your BF is like me and that's all it is?

How unbelievable juvenile.

You can't regard his skill at something as 'yours'. If he's a good cook who enjoys it it's entirely up to him who he chooses to share that with. So if that's all there is to it, YABU. However if you suspect he may have designs on one or both of the women, that's a different matter.

He's cooking for them, not shagging them.

If you think that's too intimate, then let him know.

OP how old is he ? And how old are the women? I just note you mentioned he has come out of a long marriage, I just wonder if he is flattered by attention...

Yes it probably is. Easy to say when you are not in that situation though

He's clearly not being great or mature himself or he would realise that telling his partner he has a connection with another woman isn't really the done thing

I'm guessing you would be happy with your partner cooking for a woman he says he has a connection with but you'd never met then

Don't believe anyone that says that wouldn't bother them

My DH has a longtime female friend I’ve never even met, because she’s lived in SA, Barcelona and Haifa and is a travel writer, so they tend to meet up if their paths cross when they’re both working somewhere in one another’s vicinity, and as we have a young son, if DH is working away I’m at home and vice versa. I like what I’ve heard of her, and hope I’ll meet her sometime. I’m pretty sure DH has probably cooked for her at some point, or she for him, though they’re both fairly foodie and like eating out. I can’t say I sit about having dark suspicions about their relationship. He has other female friends, too. I’d find a man who didn’t a bit strange.

My partner has female friends, but one rule I had was that of he wants to meet them, I am always invited and if I can't make it, do it around my schedule too, otherwise he isn't meeting up with other women alone without me.

If he didn't like this rule, he could move along.

You need to decide what you are able to tolerate, and tell him

Why? Why do you feel the need to control your partners social life so closely based on the gender of the other person?

If the trust level is so low, why do you stay? What joy is there in being with someone and not having a life separate to the couple?

I think some people on this site would be happier living in one of those strict Muslim countries where it's a crime for women to be in the company of men who aren't their husband or relative.

Is it the same with you and male friends?

Forget anyone telling you that you are the issue.

if you are the jealous type - sort that out.

But I would feel uncomfortable if my man went to a woman’s house to cook. Especially if it’s just the 2 of them. Why does he need to cook for her? Can’t they just go out and meet for coffee or something?

Maybe nothing will happen, but I would find it weird unless there were other people in their company. I’d definitely express how I feel about it.

I agree with this.

If they were just workmates ok. But this is a new person and he said he had an immediate connection to her. That means they like each other.

I would make time to go to the dinner with him. Then you'll see.

But tbh I'm afraid that far away, you will never be able to stop their connection developing if it does. :(