To not want partner cooking for other women?

[Kendra43]

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

@Kendra43 yeah, there lies the problem. Either he'll tell you, or he'll stop telling you. But he will have contact with other women.

Aside from this, the relationship is good. We just came back from a great trip and we have lots of future plans, many instigated by him.

My main worry is that although he loves me he wants to experience something else. Before me he was in a long marriage and never really had the experiences others did.

I don't think his male friends who have wives and kids are off making dinner for other women.

I am looking for my person to be with and have a family with.

The point is that you're not comfortable. I wouldn't be. If these were old friends that he has known that's one thing. But these are new friends. Being jealous is a label that I have found chucked at me when I have said I don't feel comfortable, it can be quite gas lighting...an ex of mine said he found my jealousy too much when I said I wasn't happy with him meeting up with a woman he had had an affair with when he was married... it's only with hindsight that I see how bloody unreasonable he was. So OP just be careful you're not making yourself the problem so that you don't have to start questioning whether he is behaving reasonably. Why doesn't he just hold a dinner party when you are there if he wants to play "chef"

Thanks @Rosiecidar - you're right, I also don't want to start quashing my feelings either.

I think most people would be upset if a guy did that your ex thought was fine!

I would be happier with a dinner party. He has even mentioned doing that for a mix of his colleagues. It would also be a nice opportunity to meet them.

I know it's not the same but I can't imagine my DH coming home and saying he wanted to go cook for a couple of women from work as he had an immediate connection with one of them, I'd be on alert instantly. The only way I'd agree is if I went with him. My DH would never do this though tbh 🤷‍♀️

If it was a long-standing friendship that's different but you don't do this with new acquaintances when in a committed relationship regardless of distance 💐 I think you should listen to your instincts, jealousy can be a useful emotion, it's an alert. Of course it can also be toxic and damaging, fine line.

He did say something interesting on holiday.

He said a 'former crush' lived in the city we were visiting on holiday. He said he never made a move back then because he was in a relationship and he would never pursue a crush while he was with someone else.

I hope he mentioned it just because it came up and not because he has a crush right now!

Ask yourself if trust him and if you can handle LTR. Getting therapy could help you look at where the jealousy stems from, low self esteem, previous trust issues etc.

Do you have any plans to live in the same place?

They can. The ones who don’t agree with OP aren’t automatically ‘’cool girls” or men pretending to be women.

I wouldn’t find it creepy but then my best friend is a man and I cook for him so I’d be a hypocrite if I did.

What does 'immediate connection' mean? I read that and thought 'Oh, I've had that'. An immediate gelling with someone - and it wasn't sexual, it was just an instant 'liking' for someone, it was a colleague and they became a close friend.

I'm happily married and this happened during that time. It has never ever been anything more than friendship and not at all secretive, just very obvious liking for each other. That was what I read about OP's boyfriend and female colleague.

He said he had an immediate connection to one of them

I'd not be happy with this terminology and then going to cook for them to be fair.

I'm quite a jealous person

You don't get to say this as if it's just a personality quirk, as if it's on the level of "ooh I'm not a morning person" or "I have a sweet tooth lol".

It's closer to someone literally introducing themselves as an abusive person. Work on yourself. This is a you problem. When someone is a jealous person, all talk of "gut instinct" can be thrown out of the window.

FYI my partner is an amazing cook and baker, and has frequently cooked at other people's houses (including women!) for them - anyone who lives close to us but also a disabled colleague and over the years new parents. It's never occurred to me to be weird and territorial about this.

I view the cooking as something special he does for me and his closest relatives.

You may choose to view it like that. Maybe he views cooking as a perfectly normal thing that he enjoys and can do for family or friends. That would be a more normal view tbh. Jealousy is not a nice trait. If you have reason to believe he is cheating or behaving inappropriately, fair enough. Otherwise, he's doing nothing wrong.

You have some odd ideas on cooking. It's preparing food.

Or it could be that OP is being completely reasonable and the issue is that her boyfriend is testing her.

Have you confused sex with cooking? Otherwise this is very strange

Yes, this.

and

*I think you’re getting some pretty unfair and naive comments from the “cool girl” on here op
Along with the incels blokes

Of course because women can’t be different and have different boundaries and opinions. No, they are either “cool girls” or men pretending to be women

This 'cool girl' comment is so childish, and seems to pop up on any thread where posters have a solid relationship and trust their partner.

You know trust is a good thing? It is also pretty normal in a good solid relationship. Nothing 'cool' about it. Just normality.

Then what are you thinking?
You say you would never cook for another man. Why not? Why does it matter whether it is a man or a woman. I cook for my friends when they come over regardless of their gender. Seems like a perfectly normal thing to do and most of us do it. If you think there is no risk of his cooking being so irresistible that these women jump into bed with him immediately after trying a mouthful of spag bol, then what exactly is that you worry about?

You need to improve your self-esteem and unclench. He's cooking for them, not laying his dick out on the table.

If you don't trust your boyfriend then he is not your partner and you will drive him away.

I voted YABU on reading your first post, but that “connection” remark has me reassessing. I wonder if you think you’re jealous because your previous partners have convinced you that you are, rather than the fact that you’re reacting normally to a breach of boundaries?

Unless “cooking” is a euphemism for sex, I wouldn’t worry.

At least he is being honest so that should go towards giving you some piece of mind.
In the same way, you could also test the waters and say ‘Aww, I thought your cooking was my special treat’ and see how he reacts.
If it bothers you, you are allowed to speak up and explain it makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise it’s going to eat you up especially if you don’t see other often.

well i'm sure they won't have a threesome over his baked goods. chill out

NRTFT

Work on your jealousy OP, it isn't healthy and you'll end up miserable

Well, that’s your own (mad) rule. He doesn’t need to obey it. Cooking is just cooking. No sex is involved. DH is away for work and I cooked for a male friend last night. No one slept with anyone. No one sucked their fingers sensually with an adorable smudge of flour in their nose.