To not want partner cooking for other women?

[Kendra43]

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

Thanks everyone. Seems the issue is mostly me.

Not sure where to start with addressing it. A therapist maybe.

I know he loves cooking and probably talks about it and sharing it as his way of connecting. It's hard for me when I feel anxious and worried about new women in his life.

Me too. Why is he deliberately trying to needle you and make you jealous? That's what I'd ask him next time this comes up (and there will be a next time)

I've never suggested a man comes round and cooks for me unless I fancied him. Women just don't invite random men at work round to cook for them. I don't expect my partner to talk about having connections with other women either.
Jealousy is normal to an extent in relationships especially long distance ones when a man is making comments like yours.
Sometimes jealousy is an appropriate emotion.
This is completely different to him cooking for a mixed sex group. Was he planning to see these women together or have one evening cooking cosy meals for them separately? It sounds bonkers

I think that you'll both have to have a discussion as to whether there's a future for you together and if so, make plans for that. As PP have said, long distance relationships aren't for everyone and there's no shame in that, but it's a fact.

If there are no plans to move closer together/move in together - and there's no therapy that works, you'll have to think about whether you'll be ok with his friendships, OP. I don't read anything nefarious from what you've posted but you're upset and I'm sorry for for you. I hope there's a resolution here and that you'll be happy with it.

The plan was to see them together - they live together.

Inviting someone round to cook for you is a bit of a weird thing to do. It's kind of rude and a bit flirty. 'Come to my house and cook for me!' I don't think I've ever asked anyone to do that except for my husband when he was my boyfriend. Normally you invite people for dinner, don't you?

I wouldn't be happy with this either. If they were long term friends who had socialised a lot with a group in pubs and generally hung out a lot anyway I think it would be fine. It's because they're new friends - it's too intimate for new friends I think. I'd be fine with something like the three of them meeting up for a BBQ in a public place though. It's very nuanced isn't it!
I would just say why I was unhappy with it. My partner's reaction would tell me what I need to know.

My feeling is that you will somehow blame yourself. I rather think if you hadn't labelled yourself as jealous the answers on here would be different. It just all sounds quite flirty on everyone's part. He's literally said I have met someone at work that I have a connection with and I am making dinner for her and her friend. Not " I said the next time you are down I can cook dinner for us " ... I absolutely bet the one he has a connection with is single. You could say "maybe invite them over with their partners when I am next over?"
It's not about being jealous it's about having boundaries.

That's a good point. I've never once said that to someone unless I was flirting personally.

But he's cooking for two women so what's the problem. It's not as if it's a romantic a deux....or do you think it's going to be a post prandial a trois?

I dare the friend who doesn't fancy him will accidentally need to stay late at work so , oh my goodness it's just him and the friend who does fancy him. Oh who would have guessed

I'd hate it too op.

I feel torn.

On the one hand, I don't want him not to have friendships. On the other hand, I think it sounds flirty: her for suggesting it (?) and him for mentioning the connection.

I'm staying with him for a week next week and then he's coming here next month. I do want to think about living together but I'd be the one that has to move so it's not a small decision.

Why would you be the one who has to move?

His work isn't remote, he has to be in site a lot. My job is mostly remote.

Other jobs exist though. I'd think more about where you'd want to be if and when you have children. Would you potentially be moving away from your family and support network to have kids with someone who wouldn't change jobs to be with you?

Unless ‘cooking for them’ is a euphemism, it’s quite a weird red line.

You’re entitled to not like it I suppose, but then he’s entitled to not be in a relationship with you anymore.

You are being totally unreasonable. He needs to find a new gf.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner cooking for other women either.

Partners in long-distance relationships need to be extra careful not to engage in flirtations, which is exactly what this sounds like. Flirtations can too easily become relationships.

You are long distance. They are work colleagues.

I don't see you have any justification for controlling his time with colleagues when you're not together. How long have you been a couple?

You don't trust him or maybe what he is offering does not suit you. Don't try to change him. You can say you don't like it but he can refuse. If he does and you can't accept it then end it.

You sound like you want a different arrangement with him, rather than long distance. If so, and it is too soon, then it tells me YABU.

is there an end point to being long distance? As in, is this just a temporary thing? I couldn’t stand it.

Probably the most normal comment on here

Or the women could be a couple themselves

Absolutely. I think most commenters on this thread are absolutely nuts 🤣

Why would a man cook for two female work colleagues and then tell his long distance girlfriend about it?

It’s completely inappropriate and insensitive! As for everyone saying he needs a new gf, sounds to me like it should be the other way around.