To not want partner cooking for other women?

[Kendra43]

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

Long distance never works, if you're paranoid about the things he does mention to you, imagine all the things he's not telling you. Either move there or break up, it's better than watching yourself turn into a jealous paranoid mess that spends your whole time alternating between yelling at him and feeling bad about yelling because you know it's pushing him further away.

Maybe OP should go cook for some bloke she feels an immediate connection to and see how he likes it.

In the past I have also been interested in a man who was long distance and nothing happened, but his girlfriend didn't feel 'real' to me until we met

That changed when I actually met her and we all became friends

The trouble is January is a long way off with Christmas and it’s drunken shenanigans between now and then. Not to make you more paranoid, but are you going to really be okay until then?

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and share it.

So you are judging based on your own poor behaviour then?

Yes the immediate connection comment would bother me and is probably what has piqued your interest. You need to clarify what he means. It seems like he is attracted to her. Funny that men like your dp never talk about having an immediate connection to another bloke 🙄

@Allmychickenscometoroost I know!

He has hit it off with a couple of guys at work too, but I don't think he ever described them as an immediate connection 🤔

YABU sorry, very controlling

The comment regarding "an immediate connection" is a bit icky, yes.

But cooking for two women friends? No big deal at all. And if you have a tendency to jealousy, that's something YOU need to work on, and not make his problem.

I think you’re getting some pretty unfair and naive comments from the “cool girl” on here op.

It sounds like he’s deliberately trying to make you jealous which isn’t nice. I hate it when people play games like this, it makes me lose respect.

Yeah, if my oh told me he had “an immediate connection” with a member of the opposite sex he’d probably go straight in the bin.

Its ok to have boundaries you know? You feel the way you feel - it’s of no regard if others try to tell you they’re wrong - just bc they’d settle for being disrespected and negged, that’s on them.

Yeah, he sounds like a right 'player'. What's he saying to two single women to make them think he might go round their house and cook for them? It sounds like he may not even tell them he's in a serious relationship.
Unless it is a mixed group of mates, male and female, and partners can be involved if they want to, it seems an odd set up.
But I wouldn't be blaming them, I'd be blaming him. You spend so much time apart anyway. I honestly think this might be a bad idea to continue.

I think you’re getting some pretty unfair and naive comments from the “cool girl” on here op

Along with the incels blokes

Well I don't think he's a player in that he doesn't sleep around or anything.

I don't know what he saying to them. You raise a good point.

I think he's open about cooking being his main hobby, he bakes for all his colleagues and it seems like that's how it came up. But who knows, maybe he offered and he's pitching it to me like it was their idea!

Of course because women can’t be different and have different boundaries and opinions. No, they are either “cool girls” or men pretending to be women. 🙄

@Kendra43 It kind of sounds like you're making excuses for him now though. Are you happy with it? Do you trust him? If you don't think he will sleep around then it should be fine, right? But it's not. Trust your instinct.

I meant to add this too, yes. Mustn’t forget them 🙄

@BobbyBiscuits I don't think he'll sleep around

I'm more worried about him falling for someone else. Although I know there's nothing I can do to prevent that.

Thats good, you agree with me - women can have different boundaries and opinions.

The op finds her oh going to other women’s houses - one of whom he claims to have felt an “immediate connection” with - to cook for them is crossing hers and it makes her uncomfortable. I’d say most women would agree with her.

Personally I’d find it fucking creepy and weird if my dh wanted to go and bake round at female colleagues houses, I’m pretty sure he’d feel the same if the boot was on the other foot.

Listen to your gut op - it’s not “jealousy”, it’s your instincts telling you somethings amiss.

So here's the crux. You're projecting.

Basically, you're thinking that because You and your friends have done this before, it's not the innocent and you had ulterior motives to "suss" them out; you're assuming that he is doing this. You're projecting. Your jealousy is your trigger to manage. Don't expect others to change their behaviour to manage your triggers.

You think that him cooking a bit of dinner is going to turn into a threesome?

I think your gut/women's intuition is telling you something.

Er, no 🙂

I think your instinct that he is attracted to someone else and finding ways to spend time with her is accurate. Cooking for them both (apparently….) is basically an excuse to spend time with the attractive friend, let’s be real. It’s just an “in”.
You know he feels something for her, he told you that himself, and maybe something hasn’t happened YET, but it’s the start of the script. It’s mentionitis. And it’s clever really, because if you make a big deal about this you’ll be set up to be the jealous girlfriend who doesn’t let him have “friends”. You’re even doubting your feelings about your boundaries being crossed and blaming it on your own jealousy.

A long distance relationship with a jealous type sounds like hell. Control from afar, no thanks.