To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

This is a very very very dramatic take on a perfectly conventional event. Many people go away for weekends without their children. You may not choose to, but many people do and their children are unscathed. All the OP has to do is say she's going away to see her friend by herself, and the kid can make the friend a drawing and have a nice time at home.

But op describes this person as only an acquaintance. I wouldn’t jump on a plane away from my kids for many people. But an acquaintance definitely not. Especially after banning my child from their home and radio silence.

Plus the expense! It costs a lot now to just pop off somewhere on a plane. It has to be worth it for the person.

God help their kids if they have any. They must be made to feel really disgusting. 🙁

Plus having to lie to my child in order to do all this! Nah not for me. But I hope you figure it out Op.

You've been very kind, thank you.

Really, I find this hard to understand from their pov and yours.
They couldn't accept your child had an accident, totally unacceptable...children have accidents. My friends would be like discretely (to save embarrassment) for my child and me helping to clear it up and definitely would not make a thing of it further down the line.

I am not sure why you continue to excuse them.

❤️❤️ I saw red at some of the comments you were dealing with, and just couldn’t ignore. Some people are just 🫣🤯 unbelievable. Xx

if it was at my house, I’d have given her a big hug and told her these things happen and don’t worry about it, and tidied it up and got her all sorted and clean, and asked what she wanted to do next. I would feel so much empathy and sympathy!

And that’s not just because I’m a mum either. I wouldn’t have reacted any different before kids. I’ve had loads of kids round mine before I had kids.

Yes me too. I would absolutely have felt so sorry for the child. Poor kid. And now she has become this other thing in her parent's life. Not blaming the parent btw. The friends sound like pompous idiots.

But OP, I still don’t get why your DD was alone and you didn’t follow to see what she was up to straight away, and maybe that’s the issue? Did they feel you let your DD “roam” too much (maybe you wanted a break but their home isn’t the best place for that?)

If I was somewhere different (and especially in a friend’s house) with my child who is 5 years old, and they left the table/room, I’d be straight out after them. So there would be no time to poo / take their clothes off etc, it would be a case of noticing and steering them to the loo. How long was your DD gone? This is the only bit of your OP I don’t understand. I’m not trying to criticise but maybe it explains their position a bit?

I'm a mom too and I am so grossed out by this that I'm on your friend's side. That is very unusual for a 5yo to do.

Who said anything about telling their child a lie? Children are used to their parents going places without them, that's all it would be.

I really wouldn't worry at all about poogate @HazelPlayer. Your poor little one was obviously mortified and did what she did without thinking as every five year old is allowed and expected to do. And every single one us adults have indeed shat ourselves in early childhood, it's not like anyone can throw stones!

Your friend certainly seems to care very much for your little girl but perhaps her OH just finds them hard work/doesn't like kids. This is absolutely no reflection on you or your little girl. Maybe a weekend being in the company of a child, when he is not at all used to children, was very intense/too much for him. That's his prerogative.

Sounds to me like your friend wants to see you but is too embarrassed to say that you both can't stay and why. Just meet her somewhere neutral if you wish to maintain contact.

Oh jeez! The child had an accident, it could be anytime, anywhere. The child was in a strange place and couldn't remember her way. If you remember being a child this is quite common and the fact she was also in a strange country to boot with possible lack of sleep and out of rhythm added to that.

I think you are "clutching at straws" here. Also, the fact that the friends are being very unforgiving for an unfortunate accident is what makes matters worse.

Just because it's a child it may be understandable but it doesn't mean you HAVE to accept this.

How are they being ‘unforgiving’? They didn’t send a cleaning bill, she says they weren’t angry.

Why would he be saying he doesn't want children at thier flat again tho?

Op said she would have to make up a lie about who she was going to see as DD would be too confused about not being invited back.

It's a while ago now but roughly; we were at the dining table, my DD was mostly finished. She had been running back and forward to the spare bedroom getting toys and getting her tablet.etc during the visit.

She jumped up and went out, I thought to get something. It was only when she didn't come back after a few mins that I wondered what was going on and got up.

(I had been trying to make conversation with my friends partner, I didn't want him to feel like a spare part and like I had no interest in him. He was telling me about living in Canada, his experiences and I was pretty absorbed in the conversation).

I went looking for her to see why she hadn't come back in. My friend was also wondering.

The flat has a central, sort of hexagonal hall/lobby with 6 doors off it, usually kept closed.
For whatever reason my DD found it disorientating from when she arrived.
She kept mixing up which door was for what. (We live in a Victorian terrace that is very linear)..

Turns out her stomach was suddenly upset, she'd actually dashed to the toilet but gone in the wrong door/not been able to find the bathroom door, she had the accident just then.

She was evidently shocked, embarrassed and stressed and ran into the spare bedroom where she had just yanked off her leggings and underwear and stuffed them in a corner when I went in, with my friend on my heels.

I couldn't initially see the leggings and was asking her what had happened and where her leggings were. She told me they were in the corner and when I found them and pulled them out, I realised two very small smears of poo were on the side of the faux leather bed frame and the wall beside it.
I was apologising to my friend, she went and got alcohol wipes (I was still talking to my DD trying to figure out what had happened), I tried to take them from her to wipe it but she said not to worry, she'd do it. I found my DD new underwear and trousers.

Mh friend did not make much of a deal about it at the time. I obviously felt sorry for my DD, wished she'd told me she needed to go to the toilet, and was extremely embarrassed.

We left for the airport a couple of hours later.

I have no idea how much or not "poo gate" affected his decision (if it is his only decision).

(Oh and I did not choose to "only wipe with wipes" ...as accused, among about 300 accusations on this thread; I offered to clean further and was told it was gone, it wasn't necessary).

I haven't a clue of they've had other kids, before or since tbh

I think it's unlikely but I don't know.

It shouldn't be necessary to outline this but my DD was a dream to toilet train and usually had no issues.

She occasionally does the "I need to wee!" urgent thing that kids like to do when there is no convenient toilet .nearby....and you think "couldn't you have told me before it became urgent?" but I find many kids do that.

I never made a big deal of any accidents and was stoical and calm about any. My parents and my sisters (a lot of stress inflicted on kids) were not terribly good with toilet training issues and I didn't want to be like that.

I think the embarrassment was due to being in their flat, around them.

She was probably nervous as fuck the whole time being in such a snotty uptight household.
If she had the runs it may well be anxiety induced.

You're very kind and sympathetic, but in all honesty it was perhaps more likely to be the swimming pool complex on our first full day - it was German half term and there were seemingly a million people there.
Or maybe something she ate.