To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

Any number of reasons

(Well, German half term in that region, I don't know if it's the same everywhere).

Which is why she could meet her elsewhere. Most 6 year olds should be able to understand if their mother had to go somewhere without them even if it's somewhere they went before - 'just me this time'. If they were confused, then their mother should explain sometimes she goes places without her - it's hardly outlandish parenting to do so.

Not unusual at all. They do still have some accidents at that age because they’re still little, and then they’re also at an age where they might be mortified by it if they do have an accident.

She wanted to hide it because she was embarrassed, and her being a 5 year old, she didn’t deal with it as impeccably as you an adult would have liked her to have done. Because she’s 5.

that I'm on your friend's side

Even I don't know whether my friend's "partner reason" is true, or whether she doesn't want a child staying with her as well. And if she doesn't, why not.

I just mentioned that incident for context.

So what "side" re you talking about?.

This just demonstrates the general quality of your post.

I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited
This is the part I find lightly U.
It wouldn’t be unusual for an adult woman to travel on her own to visit a childfree friend they met when they were also childfree. Forget about your last visit, for all you know the change of rules re visiting children could be due to something/someone else. So the situation now is: your friend would like you to come and visit her. I would arrange for a weekend there on my own (assuming you want to see her!) and/or remind her of the open invitation to host her for a weekend.

That's really sad and disturbing to be around/be aware of.

Your poor friend.

I had a similar experience but with a friend of a friend.

It's depressing.

Well, does OP say it was ‘snotty and uptight?’ I didn’t get that from her posts.

What door was this?

Vile that a young child has a stomach upset, tried to dash to the toilet, doesn't get to it in time, is extremely embarrassed because she's in a relative stranger's home, and naively tries to hide the evidence of her mishap, accidentally smearing a tiny amount of poo on a surface.......

It is truly disturbing that some posters on this forum have raised or are raising children.

That goes for any poster who's made a similar comment. You should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

You would have to be pretty uptight to get so upset over something this petty. I'm glad my friends aren't like this or who needs enemies? We would have cleaned it up like normal people then probably had a giggle about it later over a glass of wine after DD had gone to bed.
When did people become so serious and precious?

To update the thread.

My friend/acquaintance has sent follow up messages. She has mentioned various issues (not related to myself or my DD) and has expressed that she'd really like to meet in her city or elsewhere.

She has used "you", so I don't know if she means me alone or not. I think she'd probably be ok with my DD if we both went because she's been so affectionate to her before. But I don't know and of course am open to either.
(I have to say id feel a bit bad leaving my DD behind when she likes the person I'm visiting a lot).

I get the impression her partner really does not want people staying.

She's been living there for a long time, she no doubt contributes; personally I find such restrictions unreasonable. I know some will disagree.

I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with someone like that. My h is not particularly enamoured or having guests he doesn't know I. His home, but I still don't think he would ever ban it, if I said I'd like them to stay, they put us up, they have a budget etc etc I don't think he'd ever be that extreme/black and white.

My friend is a sociable type of person, collects friends, visits them (usually in their home and vice versa). In sort of get what her other friend is saying when criticising him or saying he's not suited to her.
I defended him at the time but now , hmm.

Also they have been talking about buying a property for a while : what's he going to do if she puts in 50% and he can no longer say it's "his" flat, and she cannot have guests

Maybe she can have some guests…!

It seemed to be going fine up until ‘poogate’

My friend was matter of fact about it and didn't mention iit again.

It could be irrelevant. I only outlined it to give full context.

And it sure brought the crazies out.

I don’t know. I think the poo/trouser-flinging is being seen in the context of the OP saying her daughter ‘didn’t behave any better or worse than than any other 5/6 year old’. That gives a LOT of leeway.

I obviously meant aside from that incident.

But in any case, that could happen to any young child.

Not sure why any of that needs explained to you.

Yes, I know you did, but it could still cover virtually any type of behaviour, some of it incomprehensible or maddening to a host.

Why, when he's only renting where he is, and my friend/acquaintance is presumably contributing and living there full-time for quite a while .... Would it be so different in an owned house.

They'd still be 50-50.

Would her name being on the mortgage be so different - she's probably a named tenant on their lease as it is.

The principle would still be that he can't abide her guests in his space.

He apparently has no guests ...which speaks volumes.

Only to a host who is intolerant and unrealistic about young children.

Well, don’t worry, she’s only an acquaintance and it’s very unlikely you’ll be invited again…

Yep, speaks volumes. Same as what happened with your child and she/them not wanting your child back.

From her messages earlier, I don't think it's her.

I wasn't sure before but I don't think so.

Shd has always been super sociable and has always stayed with friends and had friends to stay.

Including a lady in England with three kids.

When I think about it, it doesn't really fit.

Yeah there have been some truly odd and nasty posters on this thread.

And the projection, assumption, lack of reading comprehension, accusations, goadiness, extremity ...

And the expectation that the op will remain civil - while they have been the extreme opposite of civil. Then the further accusations of defensiveness and petulance.

It's an interesting psychological exercise. And the pile on when they see others piling on - which disappears when they see others defending the op; primate dynamics & bullying at its finest.

Thank goodness for the decent posters of MN, but sometimes it does feel like they're 50-50 or less.

And one of them is still at it (!) Goading about me not needing to worry about being invited back - even when Ive updated saying my friend/acquaintance is now trying to arrange a meeting..

(I may not be invited to stay in his flat but I'm perfectly happy with that, because my opinion of him is not so great now.
I actually liked him and defended him when my friend relayed another friend criticising him but, I'm starting to see her point.
I actually think it's sad that my friend/acquaintance is having to change her behaviour significantly to suit him).

I guess in Germany some people have life-long tenure and so 'only renting' might seem different than in other places.