issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

It's never easy sharing with a complete stranger.

I would never take a lodger into my house.

Even if I needed extra money I would rather work a few hours in another part time job, them get a lodger.

If you're not sure about having a lodger long term you won't want to be creating an upstairs mini kitchen for him. Some PP seem to suggest if you do certain things like that it veers into tenancy. He could have 2 chairs and a small table to eat at, maybe a kettle but I wouldn't do more than that. He can take guests there to eat but he will need access to your kitchen for most things and that's part of the deal. He just needs to let you know ahead of time if he's going to dominate that space with a guest in tow!

The speaker phone would have had me giving him the heave ho , tbh. It’s a symptom of the next problem, which is he either doesn’t perceive, or doesn’t care about personal space. I expect he uses speaker phone on the train (and manspreads/ doesn’t move his bag off the seat, etc). I am only joking a bit.

OP, your house sounds pretty nice for a lodger, good self contained space. I just can’t understand why you decided to rent to a bloke instead of a ( preferably middle aged ) woman.

No need to give up just yet. Everything has a learning curve 🧚🏻‍♂️

I don’t think he is the unreasonable one. Maybe a lodger isn’t for you.

Spot on. Lodger pays for a room not house share

No. Wrong

Lodger also pays for use of the common areas.

It wouldn't be legal to make him stay in his bedroom all the time.

But he was given more than just a room and was also told it was ok to have people over now and again. That has now shifted by the sound of things and is now only ok if he asks permission first?

Then he isn't cut out to be a lodger.
Lodgings are not your own home.
Give him his notice, whatever that is.
Start fresh when with the lessons you've learnt from this.

OP, your mistake was to allow visitors.
Big mistake.
You want to have visitors, cook them meals, use the kitchen for the evening, find a house share.

I think a woman on her own is ill advised to rentva room to a man.
Far too many men are presumptuous and have the ability to make you feel intimidated.

Give him notice and rethink this.
A monday to thurdays arrangement can be excellent.

But sort out your rules.
Allowing visitors is asking for you and your home to be taken advantage of.

As PPs have said, you need to be clear and a written contract would be help because if he can't sign it, he's not for you.
I would not live anywhere I wasn't allowed to have a friend round for a meal but I would accept eating in my room provided there was a table and chairs. He shouldn't have to ask first - it's his home now. Having overnight guests is different and should be agreed in advance.
But remember that this guy has only just arrived and it is bound to be weird until you are used to him. Keep chatting and getting to know him and you may get a new friend out of this.

I'm so sorry about your husband OP, that must be devastating.
FWIW, I don't think there is any point in trying to have a 'friendly conversation, nothing drastic or intense' in this situation. This message is that you don't like his behaviour and are explaining how you want him to change it, and it's better to say that as clearly as possible, politely of course and apologising for not having been clear in the first place. Otherwise you risk sounding so vague that he doesn't take the hint, or irritatingly passive aggressive.

I do think it’s off for a lodger or a house share frankly to with No warning basically take up the whole kitchen which doubles up as a dining room for the entire evening with an unannounced guest.

It would be Different if they cooked and then ate in a separate dining room or their own personal space.

What if there is nonwhere else for him to eat.

He has to eat somewhere.

Totally agree.

He's already treating it like a houseshare and he's only been there 5 minutes.

Well yes he does as he lives there.

Inviting a friend for a meal when there is no space for anyone else living in the house with no heads up is an issue isn’t it. Thats my point.

Op says he has his own living area.

In flat shares and house shares people invite friends over all the time

She has to make rules clear to him if she doesn't want guests over.

It's also fair for him to know, so then he can move into a more guest friendly house

Hi he has a living room and bedroom upstairs but not really a dining space. Although he does have a desk in his living room

Maybe you could have a friendly chat with him and go over what you both consider to be reasonable and appropriate? It might be that he genuinely hasn't realised he's doing anything wrong? Obviously you can ask him to leave without giving a reason or notice, but in the grand scheme it doesn't sound like he's doing anything too bad. You just aren't clear on each others expectations. Try having a chat, it may go better than you expect.

I have had many lodgers (we have one now) and it does take a bit of adjustment. I was really embarrassed to set loads of ground rules and have a contract with the first one as I knew her and it seemed so formal. But honestly as time has gone on and we've had more lodgers, I don't really care any more. Having a definitive list of rules and expectations has been really helpful, and teh contract is a must. If nothing else it just sets the bar from the start that it is a business relationship and there are expectations. One of the rules includes letting us know if anyone is coming round, and all of our lodgers have abided by it quite happily.

I've also gotten much better at raising issues with them if needed. There are quite a lot of things I let go because I don't want to nit pick over small things and you're never going to 100% like everything another person does. But if something really needs saying, I just say it and don't really worry about it.

when you mention a desk in his room, were you hoping / expecting he would eat at his desk - as there is not a table or chairs in his living room.

what time was he using the kitchen last night ? and for how long was he and his friend in there cooking and then eating ?

But you told him it was ok now and again? When you said that did you also say he must tell you in advance?

Yes so I said I don't mind him bringing guests back to his own living room and space, he doesn't need to tell me and that I dint mind the occasional dinner with guest but to please give me a bit of a heads up. He didn't like but didn't communicate his thoughts so was hard to know where exactly he stood on it. so I'm going to see where we are in two weeks and if it's not a good fit might give him notice

Once this one’s done definitely have a written list of house rules with the contract.

Also make the livingroom more eating friendly. The more the space is multi purpose the less like you’ll feel intruded upon.

Hi. I don't mind him eating in kitchen at all and I think his desk is for work stuff. He occupied the living room from about 7 to 9pm. I normally eat around 7.30. In the end I just went in and made food in there but they looked uncomfortable with it and were talking about personal relationship stuff and they didn't adjust the conversation when I was there so I felt awkward and ate in my living room which I don't normally do

Thanks for understanding. I felt invaded and his friend walked into Mt living room and talked at me in a very patronising tone about the house being really big as if it didn't belong to me. I think she's under the impression that my lodger is an equal tenant and we're doing a house share but he knows it's not that at all