issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

I can't understand why people get lodgers, then complain about having people in their house.

What did you think it would be like.?

I don't think you understand what a lodger is and how that works.

If the OP provided lodger with self contained kitchen, they'd be a tenant, not a lodger.

Being a lodger is about as basic, and cheap, as it gets - room, shared use of some facilities. You sleep there, you keep your head down and are unobtrusive in your use of those shared facilities. You don't get a lock on your room, you don't get use of living areas just kitchen/bathroom, you're expected not to 'hang out' in any other area of the house.

Some people are suited to this lifestyle, some people have no choice due to finances/circumstances. Some people will form good relationships with their landlord/lady and get more freedom, more relaxed rules, but that isn't what is expected.

You said that he has living accommodation on the floor above your bedroom. For me, I'd agree that he can have friends round to cook but that they must eat on his floor, not in the communcal kitchen. He's welcome to sit in there to eat when he's by himself but not with others.

I'm happy for him to use the kitchen to be honest and not sure if his living area is conducive to microwave and kettle. It's a good idea though and appreciate the thought on it. I have no issue with him using kitchen its just where he didn't give Mr the heads up that he had friebds over for dinner and the way they both sat talking and eating like I wasn't even there. It made me feel awkward. They were having very personal conversations that I felt I was intruding when u went to make my food

Could you get a mon to Fri lodger instead.

He has massively overstepped the remit of a lodge. Imo. Sounds like he thinks it's a houseshare.

I think it's extremely rude for someone who you barely know to bring a stranger into your home without so much as a text or call. It's your home, the minimum is that you feel safe and comfortable. You cannot possibly achieve that with strangers bobbing in and out.

But how would he know , if the owner didn't establish boundaries. "Eg no guests without asking".

It sounds like she didn't set that rule.

I was kind of a lodger once ages ago. In that i rented a room in the house of a woman who owned it. Never again.

There is a terrible power imbalance. Even though I was paying good money to rent the room, she tried to exert control over everything I did. I was in my late twenties!

i learned never to rent a room in a house where the owner is there again.

It's better to rent a room in a house where everyone is there sharing equally.

I've had several lodgers in the past and yeah I would't have been happy
I think I told mine that I was fine with them having a guest over but I wanted to know in advance. One of them had her boyfriend constantly over but they were mostly in the bedroom with the door shut, I don't recall them geting in my way in the kitchen (or not very often), and I got on well with the boyfriend anyway

The phone on loudspeaker thing I would not be happy about that at all.

I think worth having a word with him about both things but I think best to establish rules at the outset.

I thik it must be very difficult to go from living with a husand to living by yourself to accomodating a lodger. Some lodgers are very respectful though. I am very sorry for your loss.

Anyone with a droplet of good manners would "know". Don't be ridiculous.

I think you need to have a chat about expectations and whether it’s going to work going forward.

YANBU at all re the speaker and he should have been able to work out that wouldn’t be acceptable.

Re the kitchen - it’s trickier and this should really have been discussed, eg if you didn’t want him to eat and that with friends in the kitchen.

I would be saying “it’s fine to have friends round but not to the extent it limits my own use of the kitchen without asking in advance” - ie you should be able to sit at your table etc whenever you want, unless he’s asked you.

We used to have an au pair who would close the kitchen door and set up a video call to her friend in the middle of the kitchen. As though saying “this kitchen is off limits now as I’m on a call”. At lunchtime when I was WFH. Obviously I took no notice and would use my kitchen as I pleased!

What that he's not allowed to have a guest round to his own home? If he is paying to live there, it's his home too.

He's an adult paying to live in the house. He's not a child.

I was a lodger before. And she was totally fine with me having friends round to the house.

This man is an adult!

This is where your feelings and expectations and his may collide. It's a common example of the friction that arises between landlords and lodgers. You are reasonable in wanting a word in advance if he's planning to invite someone for a meal and he is reasonable in expecting to bring someone occasionally to cook a meal in the kitchen and thinking he doesn't need to formalise it or ask for permission. Neither of you is wrong. It would be considerate to speak to you beforehand, though.

Did you set out rules.

I've seen some live in landlords make rules.

Such as it's "quiet time after 10pm"
"The office is for my own personal space"
"No guests are allowed to sleep over"

Whatever.

That way you can get a lodger that fits what you want, and the lodger is also aware fo these rules before they move in

That reminds me, mine used the decorative side of the chopping board instead of the plain side! I mean, how daft is that!

That made me smile, it might seem insignificant but when it’s your belongings and home that you’ve invested in it’s important.

I am sorry for your loss. It must be hard. I would give it another week or so and then have a sit down meeting with him saying at present it’s not working. These are the things that need to change. If he’s not happy as a landlord you can just ask him to leave. One of the first things on the list is the kitchen is not for entertaining that’s done in his own area upstairs which has got plenty of space

I am guessing there is not a table and chairs in his living room.

what notice period did you decide upon for each other ?

All the people on here complaining about their lodgers. Do you ever think that they find you difficult?

I remember chatting to a woman once, and she was complaining on and on to me about her young female lodger.

And I remember feeling sorry for the lodger, not for her!

@lodger

If he has his own living room and bathroom as well as bedroom I think I would be suggesting that if he wants guests for the evening then he uses his own living room
I had lodgers for about 15 years. You do have to have a bit of give and take but it's not unreasonable to expect him to use the space he is renting.
Does he have a table and chairs in there?

Unless his living room.is really tiny you would have room for a kitchenette, IKEA have some useful free standing units. If he had that ,other than him being to noisy, you wouldn't cross paths at all, not good of you wanted the arrangement for some company , but might suit you better ?

I have lodgers but they have Thier own mini "kitchens" , only use the main kitchen if they need the oven , which is rare .

Personally I'd rather share a bathroom than a kitchen.

Yeah obviously. That’s why compromise is important and getting someone who’s the right fit. Its harder than living with a partner etc or family as you don’t have the same intimacy so addressing things is more challenging.

Having lodged a long time before getting my own place this kind of reads like you told him at the start that it was ok now and again but when he actually did it, it wasn't ok? There may possibly be some mixed messages he's picking up. If you told him it was ok now and again then that might be why he thought it would be ok now and again.

Yeah, I mean you shifted the goalposts on him, you're not actually alright with him having friends over really, from what you've said, if they are going to be in what you see as "your" space.

I can see the next friction point already. You've asked for a "heads up" next time, he does that, but you then don't want him having a friend over at that time and you expect to be able to veto. This isn't going to end well.

I've been a lodger twice FWIW, when I was much younger. One place was fine because we had a very firm agreement in place about guests, cleaning, use of communal areas, etc and he was often away for work so we didn't get in each other's hair too much. The other place, the owner constantly changed what he was ok and not ok with and I never knew where I stood. It was beyond stressful. I wish people would not take lodgers if they don't really want them or haven't thought through the implications - it's unfair.

I'm sure they're all perfect landlords.