issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

To give the other side as the have been a few lodger stories, as a PP noted, people with lodgers often don't want lodgers, they want the money but not the person in their house. That isn't the lodger's fault. I lodged with a woman like that once. I wasn't perfect, I was very young ) generally respectful quiet and tidy) but christ, it was non stop and really quite depressing how much she scrutinised and complained and made up new rules. Random petty things like one day I couldn't keep my shampoo in the bathroom when I had been told that was fine, or I had to ring if I was going to be back after 10pm (I worked in a pub which she knew before accepting me). All the while, the stories I could tell about her. Christ.

@Waterboatlass That sounds really unfair on you- I know a woman who lodges a lot and it often ends acrimoniously - squabbles over shared areas.

Is it her...or is it that the people renting an out a room don't actually WANT a person in their house, but need the money for the mortgage?

Once one is past early twenties, sharing accommodation is hard.

You have nailed it, I think.
It's definitely a two way street.

Thanks for all the responses on here. I had a friendly chat with him this morning and reiterated that I don't mind him bringing people back to his space upstairs but just to give me a bit of heads up if bringing people back to cook for and use kitchen as a social. I asked him if he's OK with it, he said yes but he was clearly not happy with being asked.

Well boo hoo. If he doesn't like it he can move on. You need to do what is best for you.

Can you set him up in his living quarters with kettle, microwave or other means to cook and small table and two chairs? Then there is no need for him to be in your kitchen. Make lodger as independent as possible.

It is a huge adjustment for you OP and I am so sorry for your loss. It just needs you to choose the right lodger (private quiet woman?) and agree some clear ground rules so you can still live your life in peace while sharing a portion of your space.

I wouldn't be happy with just a microwave. I need, at minimum, a small fridge, oven of some kind, hobs of some kind (minimum 2) and microwave to be fully self contained. I cook properly, from scratch.

In that case, he hasn't actually done anything that you've asked him not to do, has he? He had one friend over, once, and cooked some food.

I'm sorry, but I really, really don't think you're suited to living with a lodger. You can't expect to have someone lodging in your house and for things to be exactly the same as they were when you lived alone. I don't think you can expect him not to make phone calls in his room. If someone is living in your house, you will hear them sometimes. That's how it works.

You either need to stop taking in lodgers at all, or to have a very clear contract with your next lodger about what is/isn't acceptable to you. I don't think your lodger has done anything wrong; it's simply that you aren't suited to sharing living space (I wouldn't be suited to that, either).

Maybe he's concerned because he's just had the one friend, in line with what was discussed, and you're already speaking to him about it. Maybe he's worried you're moving towards blocking friends altogether?

Thanks for your understanding. Its a big thing having lodger here. after my husband died I decided I needed to leave the North abd start life again, so here I am. I've only been living here for 6 weeks and thought a lodger might be a good thing. Not desperate for the money so it's not about financial gain but of course, it's nice to have the extra pennies. Perhaps at such a crossroads, getting a lodger was too soon.

True. I absolutely don't mind him bringing friebds back but the kitchen is the one space I feel most at home in and it's the biggest room in the house so I think it's only fair to get a heads up. I get that he might be worried though.

I think you really need to be explicit when you have a lodger. I’ve been a lodger and essentially you were supposed to be a ghost. Minimal use of kitchen, no friends over leave the bathroom clean. It was fine I was working and out generally. I had a coffee machine and mini fridge in my room. I was a frequent flyer atall the local coffee places. It’s not the same as being a flat mate.

Possibly you need to find a different tenant. Not always true but a lot of blokes manspread into a place. Women less so, I’ve shared a lot of flats.

Well he doesn't have to love being asked. To be fair you should have laid out the rules more clearly. From what you said, you sounded quite casual about occasional visitors (no specific rules) and he may have accepted partly on that basis. He just needs to get on with it if he wants to stay And so do you.

I think if he seems an overall good sort, pays on time, roughly fits in with your schedule and accepts these new ground rules, try to rub along and see if you can get used to things rather than thinking about kicking him out for an idealised silent foreign language student or single lady who may never materialise

I'd say better to accept the whole situation isn't ideal, it isn't really about him rather than start picking fault now with how he received your message.

I think the issue with considering the kitchen your home space is that it's such a central part of home living, the lodger will need free access (for the most part) too. The only alternative to that is setting them up with separate cooking quarters, if you can do that, but suddenly making that change with the current lodger would be a bit awkward.

I do understand it though. I'd find it very hard if I didn't have free use of my own kitchen and had to share it. I'm not sure I'd be cut out for lodgers. I know in the year after significant loss, as you've had, I wouldn't have found it easy at all as I needed space.

Ok, at least you’ve spoken about it. The next step is to get a lodging agreement written up ASAP.

My second tip would be to get a small whiteboard and put it somewhere noticeable, by the front door, with a dry-wipe pen handy.

Both of you can get in the habit of writing down things that are happening: ‘Plumber coming Tuesday’; ‘Brother visiting Thursday’.

It might just be that he’s not the right lodger for you, but the perfect person is out there somewhere.

OP have you thought about a Monday-Friday let? Might help you to have the house to yourself at the weekends and if you have a professional tenant who’s staying for work they will be less likely to socialise etc.

I found it really hard adjusting to some lodgers. People just have different views. Like I had a girl who used my lovely, new non-stick saucepan as a mixing bowl and was happily whizzing a metal spoon round not realising she was damaging the non-stick. She obviously thought I was being OTT. She also had a vinted shop and would wash and tumble dry individual items of clothing. All things you’d think would go without saying but she took for granted.

It can be hard to find the right person!

One thing I found was lodgers NEVER paid on time and would always need reminding. So frustrating!

@lodger I would give him notice. I think he has been inconsiderate already. This is his "natural behaviour" as you really haven't laid down any house rules as such. So his default is selfish. If you put something on loud speaker of course it will disturb someone else in the house. He monopolised the kitchen without a thought of how it would affect you.

I'm truly sorry you lost your husband. This lodger is not going to be company or a comfort to you. He has already caused you stress. I think you should take some time to readjust and enjoy your home. Tell yourself you can consider a new lodger in the future. You may well decide peace in your own space is actually what you need.

Best of luck.

I think you have to be a certain type of person to have lodgers. DM had several lodgers after Dad died and it was a nightmare. It was done through a council scheme as she thought it would be less risky and all the lodgers they suggested for her were male which neither of us were really comfortable with. Luckily it was a self contained extension so we had bolts on the doors to the house but even so it wasn't comfortable.

The first one had a key cut for his mates and left without paying rent, leaving the place moldy and stinking of weed, one disappeared for a few days and it turned out he'd been arrested and the last one started a relationship with DH's ex wife! Mum decided she wasn't cut out to have lodgers after those three!

So does the lodger have a table and chairs in his living room ?

you've been asked that more than once.

Why did you decide to have a lodger ?

money
or company

clearly choosing a younger than you man it wasn't company.

if it is money

why on earth did you buy such a large property just for yourself ?

most people don't need 2 living rooms and an excess of bedrooms.

if you had chosen somewhere smaller the living expenses would be less i.e. a lower Council Tax band
less rooms to decorate and heat

Honestly, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to share my home with a stranger and if I was going to, it'd have to be a female of similar age etc, not some random man.

Could you get a second job behind a bar or stacking shelves in the evening in a supermarket instead? It doesn't sound like you enjoy having a stranger in your home and I don't blame you.

Oh no sounds like a nightmare. Sorry to hear that. She didn't need that stress xxxx

I feel your pain re non stick. We decided early on that it worrying about our non stick was the way to madness so we decided we would just consider the non stick as sacrificial and get new ones after they left!

Rent - you can avoid hassle by insisting on payment by standing order.

@Hollyhocksandlarkspur Doing that would turn his lodger status into tenant with exclusive use of the floor with bedroom, living/kitchen and bathroom.

A lodger should just give OP money and be non-existent. That's the vibe I'm getting from this post. No one is forcing you to have a lodger, you could just pay for your bills yourself.

It's also his home as he is paying to live there.

If you didn't want someone in your house, why did you think having a lodger was a good idea.