issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

And first you to dismiss that I'm factoring in that much husband died is pretty callous to say the least. It's all relevant. I'm a human being

This is what you need to do. Be very smiling and pleasant and friendly, and just say to your lodger

"next time you're going to have somebody round for dinner could you let me know as soon as possible? that way I can plan out my day so that we don't try to cook at the same time.

Oh and by the way would you mind not using your phone with the speaker because I can hear your phone calls and I don't think that's what you want. Thank you very much."

Even if he has said he was sharing the house, his girlfriend was very rude to just walk in to your sitting room.
Neither of them have much self awareness.
I shared a house a couple of times and no way would any of us be so rude to take over the kitchen for a two hour meal.

He lacks very basic manners and awareness.
Some very good things mentioned like girlfriends staying over?
Having a key to your house??
Would you really tolerate that?

I had lodgers for years and along the way had some amazing, and some absolutely awful experiences. I wouldn't worry too much about this, it's easily gotten over and you'll both just have to adjust slightly to living with one another.

I'd say that I always found living with other women easier. At times they were more demanding, but I always felt it easier to communicate with them.

I wouldn't raise it with him again about the kitchen thing, it sounds like you've already spoken about it twice so unless it happens again there's no reason to revisit it.

Regarding his phone calls, I'd probably find a way to slip it in. Rather than complaining I might say something like "oh just to let you know I can hear your phone calls through your speaker, I thought I'd mention it because I don't want to invade your privacy!"

Even though you own the home, there has to be a bit of give and take in an arrangement like this so for me it was about picking my battles wisely!

I think it's annoying as the guest is using your power and has too. If it does become regular, then he needs to increase what he pays. No one gets a free cooked meal anywhere. I think this is what is bugging you.

I'm terms of the loud noise, unless it is after 9pm, I don't think there is much you can do about it. Unless of course he said he won't be at home all of the time, and then is? Such as remote working?

yes and if you take money from someone to live there it’s their home too

Yep – just communicate your expectations

He pays for a room and cooking facilities, I don’t think a lodger is a housemate. Hence why prices are normally cheaper for lodgers. I think a heads-up text would have been adequate and/or mindful. If a one off, maybe he got carried away and didn’t realise. If it happens again, let him know it would be easier to organise your cooking and eating time if you knew about the clash beforehand. Quite risky not having a contract. Check with your local CAB for free legal advice. He may not realise you can hear the conversation, just let him know. I doubt he would if he knew.

This is insane

All this stuff about ‘a lodger must use the kitchen quickly then scuttle off to their private quarters immediately’ is just made up. There is no assumption of this in a lodger agreement/arrangement unless explicitly communicated and agreed.

He’s done nothing wrong or unusual, however if OP specifically wants him to let her know before he has guests round then she needs to set this expectation clearly.

This I's really helpful and wise advice! Thankyou xxx

Did you even read the post you've quoted?

'use the kitchen' means cook a meal in the kitchen. It doesn't mean invite friends to sit around in the kitchen and eat that meal. The lodger in question has his own living space, that is where he entertains a guest and eats.

Some people, in trying to be helpful, sound a bit harsh. I don't think it is meant to be. Good luck.

It's normal if you are a lodger to either use the kitchen or have a meal provided for you in the evening. If, like me, you normally cook for a family every evening the latter is easier. This is obviously not the case for the @lodger so her lodger will need to use the kitchen.
I always found students easier to deal with, if they proved difficult (which was very rare) we politely asked them to leave. We also had a few people who lived elsewhere but worked locally Monday to Friday so we had the weekends to ourselves. Some of our lodgers stayed with us for years, others just for a few months.
It can be a bit of an adjustment to get used to having a lodger around, but once you're over that it should be easier.

I know these kinds of people.
He's going to wear you down and play mind games. This is just the start. He'll keep pushing to see how far you go.
Get him out. A decent person wouldn't dream of doing what he's done already.

Funny you should say that. My friend bought me an edible gift which arrived yesterday. There were two and one was taken. Also my shed key was moved and put somewhere else. Couldn't find it for ages. Finally found it in a pot with a lid on in a really unobvious place.

Oh dear, definitely time for him to go I think. This is just not on.

I don’t think he sounds capable of treating you with respect. Get rid, get a male
friend round for back-up if needed. Be ready to waive any notice period and refund his deposit. He can move out this weekend surely!

No one normal would hide/ move the shed key . That really is deliberate and unnecessary .Even in a family/ marriage people would be furious at that .
I think that under whatever nice surface he has , he is a bit of a psychopath who for whatever reason is going to continue to push your boundaries and upset you and to use your space to advance his life while pushing you aside .
And you are politely wondering why you are upset and whether you are being unreasonable .
Especially as you will be delicate with rather open boundaries after the death of your husband.
I think in the nicest possible way there is no going forward with this man . If he left I am sure it would be a relief and you you would never have to think of him again .I would not please him by giving the details and showing you are upset but just to back out as gracefully and impersonally as possible that it is not working out as well as you had hoped .
It is definitely him and not anything you have done so you absolutely must not blame yourself .You had no way of knowing he would be like this . If he was in a shared flat with they would all be furious with him and you would have a lot more support .

Oh dear.

Not only has he told his friend that you're sharing, but he also believes it himself.

He doesn't like his lodger status and is determined to assert power/control.

I'd want him out asap. Start afresh with clearer guidelines (and not a dick).

How old is he?

Oh dear. So last night he told me he had been living here 6 months. I found a post of his on Facebook saying he had been living here over two years. I'm not comfortable with the fact he's lied

you are not comfortable with him full stop

you are now accusing him of theft of an edible gift - what was it ? 2 cupcakes or something similar

and now you are stalking his Facebook

what did his references say ?
you did take references didn't you

Enough with the snotty tone, it’s not necesssry.

It’s very common for live in landlords to go by gut feeling and not take formal references for lodgers.

Unfortunately as in this case, it leaves them open to being exploited by mentalists.

I knew someone would come along and belittle the fact that he took the OPs gift.

It’s definitely time for him to go. Give him notice today. Your next lodger Will be fabulous.

OP, honestly please protect yourself.
Help yourself.
You are a vulnerable woman who has allowed a presumptuous liar to live with you.
I would be calling 101 for advice.

Moving your key?
Really, so you couldn't open the foor to your property.
Why would a normal person do that?
They wouldn't.

He took food that clearly wasn't his.
Very poor impulse control.

You cannot say you have not been very clearly warned.