Page 14 | issues with lodger

lodger · 2024-10-14T21:32:53+00:00

Hi Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 16/10/2024 19:28

TemuSpecialBuy · 16/10/2024 19:24

As someone who actually had lodgers for almost a decade…

my excellent and free advice

accept it will be awkward but give notice, get rid of him and start again.

If you don’t you will regret it.

for the next lodger screen much more carefully and be a lot clearer from the off. Take learnings from this one…

your “offering” is very good and a lot of people would jump at a separate lounge so it’s a case of finding your “good match”

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100% agree

CharlotteLucas3 · 16/10/2024 19:33

I haven't read the full thread but the first page is full of people saying that you should expect a lodger to be sharing your house. Don't listen to them op. If he wants to use the whole house then he should get a room in a shared house.

I've had a couple of lodgers (but mostly foreign students) staying in my various homes over the years. They've almost all stayed in their rooms all of the time. It did feel like a huge intrusion if I found them in the living room! I realised after a few years that young lads were the easiest to host.

I do think it's a bit rubbish being a lodger - like being a second class citizen but you can't have people you don't know randomly coming to your house.

Cerealkiller4U · 16/10/2024 19:49

lodger · 14/10/2024 22:53

btw he's the lodger, its my home in case you've got it confused

You do realise though that he’ll be in your space though right? As a lodger?

havealookinthefridge · 16/10/2024 19:50

I think it’s the difference between being a lodger and being a house share. Maybe he thinks he’s a house share with equal rights to you.
I’d nip it in the bud!

Cerealkiller4U · 16/10/2024 19:50

Startingagainandagain · 14/10/2024 23:10

I am going to go against the grain here.

As far as I am concerned a lodger pays for a room in a house. They don't get to use the whole house as their own.

I would make that clear OP. Tell the lodger he can of course use the kitchen to cook for himself and the bathroom, but he can't use your home to entertain guests or seat around in the living room watching your TV.

If that's what he expects he needs to get a proper rental contract for a flat or house share.

So he can never cook in the kitchen at all?!? Ever?!? 😳😳😳

Cerealkiller4U · 16/10/2024 19:56

lodger · 15/10/2024 22:19

No I meant he's pushed a few other boundaries not about having his friebd over.

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In what way?

RandomUserName96 · 16/10/2024 20:01

lodger · 15/10/2024 07:01

Ronomemo. No need to get personal. I came on here for advice not to be told I can't cope having a lodger. That's not very constructive

No you didn't

You came on here to pick out the advice you want.

I'm sorry for your loss, though I'm not sure it's relevant. But you are clearly not suited to this arrangement.

You don't even have a contract or agreement.

And whilst you consider your lodger a second class citizen and refuse to acknowledge that your house is also their home, I feel you may continue to struggle

Doubledenim305 · 16/10/2024 20:01

Lodgers are not for you. You like your own space.
Nothing wrong with that. I'd be the same. But bring it to an end asap and enjoy Ur home again.

MrsFruitbat · 16/10/2024 20:24

Even in shared houses (and I always lived with friends ) we would have been very put out by someone taking over the kitchen to cook and make an elaborate intimate meal that excluded everyone else . Especially with no warning. Also taking over the sitting room in a way that no one else was able to come in . And it was extremely rude of them not to include you so that you had to scurry away with your plate .The lodger is behaving as if it is his house and you are the secondary person who doesn't merit his consideration .
I really don't understand all the criticism you are getting .
If anything you were too generous and assumed that he would be sensitive and respectful of your shared space and that you could work any problems out . Whereas he was happy to take over the kitchen and ignore you while he conducted his romantic dinner for two .
And whatever he pays it is a small amount compared to the bottomless pit of buying and owning a house and all the bills and the responsibility of sorting everything out financially . .

Secradonugh · 16/10/2024 20:25

lodger · 14/10/2024 23:32

no. I assumed he would have the common courtesy as my lodger to give me the heads up that he's bringing people back and using my kitchen for the night

I'll be honest you are being unreasonable to expect a heads up if you haven't told him that's a rule. Even if he is a lodger, it is unreadable to expect him to not use the shared facilities like the kitchen. If you had said you must info me with 24 hrs notice if you want guests then you would not be unreasonable. Really you must communicate better because if he didn't like the rules he wouldn't have been your lodger.

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 20:27

MrsFruitbat · 16/10/2024 20:24

Even in shared houses (and I always lived with friends ) we would have been very put out by someone taking over the kitchen to cook and make an elaborate intimate meal that excluded everyone else . Especially with no warning. Also taking over the sitting room in a way that no one else was able to come in . And it was extremely rude of them not to include you so that you had to scurry away with your plate .The lodger is behaving as if it is his house and you are the secondary person who doesn't merit his consideration .
I really don't understand all the criticism you are getting .
If anything you were too generous and assumed that he would be sensitive and respectful of your shared space and that you could work any problems out . Whereas he was happy to take over the kitchen and ignore you while he conducted his romantic dinner for two .
And whatever he pays it is a small amount compared to the bottomless pit of buying and owning a house and all the bills and the responsibility of sorting everything out financially . .

Thanks for understanding. Really appreciate it xxx

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WomenInConstruction · 16/10/2024 20:31

@MrsFruitbat 👌

Secradonugh · 16/10/2024 20:32

I'm not trying to say you are in the wrong, I think it was a communication failure. If it were me I'd be tempted to say that you'd like a chat, explain that you thought it was going to be like x, or y.. that you've now realised that he thinks it's more like z. You can always say that if he thinks he can lodge with those better defined rules, then great, and if he can't then you completely understand and that you'll give him a few weeks to find lodgings elsewhere.

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 20:33

Secradonugh · 16/10/2024 20:32

I'm not trying to say you are in the wrong, I think it was a communication failure. If it were me I'd be tempted to say that you'd like a chat, explain that you thought it was going to be like x, or y.. that you've now realised that he thinks it's more like z. You can always say that if he thinks he can lodge with those better defined rules, then great, and if he can't then you completely understand and that you'll give him a few weeks to find lodgings elsewhere.

Edited

That's a good way to approach a conversation with him

OP posts:

Jc2001 · 16/10/2024 20:41

JMSA · 14/10/2024 22:53

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I honestly don't mean to be rude, but you do sound a bit uptight for this arrangement. The phone thing, you have a fair point.
But I'm not sure he should have to tell you if he's bringing a friend over. An overnight thing would obviously be a different matter.

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I don't know. It's just a question of curtosy isn't it? if you're going to be dominating the kitchen for a substantial amount of time in the evening then it's not unreasonable to expect someone to mention it beforehand is it? It feels like basic manners.

That said, I think the OP needs to decide whether having a lodger is right for them. I think you almost need to think of them as part of the family and be pretty sociable. It's not for everyone. Certainly wouldn't suit me.

Dorisbonson · 16/10/2024 21:21

lodger · 14/10/2024 22:59

there isn't a contract to be honest. I set a few ground rules before he moved in and just told him I don't want loads of people coming over all the time or staying over etc but ok if its now and again

You absolutely need a contract for your protection and his.

You also need to have the right type of home insurance policy.

PorridgeEater · 16/10/2024 21:34

You are in a difficult situation. I see you said that you wanted to move away from the house where your husband died, but to move away from your friends must make things very difficult. Even more so if you are not working so can't get to know people there (admittedly they might not be compatible).
On top of all this, to deal with a stranger in your house / personal space is perhaps too much - I can see why people have said having a lodger may not be for you, at least for now. It's very brave of you to have a man you do not know. Perhaps get to know people a bit first and try to find someone more compatible - maybe a woman, as has been said
Good luck.

weirdoboelady · 16/10/2024 21:35

ItGhoul · 15/10/2024 10:03

In that case, he hasn't actually done anything that you've asked him not to do, has he? He had one friend over, once, and cooked some food.

I'm sorry, but I really, really don't think you're suited to living with a lodger. You can't expect to have someone lodging in your house and for things to be exactly the same as they were when you lived alone. I don't think you can expect him not to make phone calls in his room. If someone is living in your house, you will hear them sometimes. That's how it works.

You either need to stop taking in lodgers at all, or to have a very clear contract with your next lodger about what is/isn't acceptable to you. I don't think your lodger has done anything wrong; it's simply that you aren't suited to sharing living space (I wouldn't be suited to that, either).

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I really disagree with this, far too final. I would rephrase it as 'all you need is a bit more experience in being the landlady of a lodger.' I don't think anyone who has never been a LL or a lodger is likely to get it all right first go. You need to talk and negotiate compromises (or you can set rules in stone in advance for future lodgers). Here are some key points to consider, from someone who has been both

how friendly do you actually want to be? (You might also want to consider how much of a parent you want to be - there are lots of young people and refugees who need life experience and practical advice)
the kitchen is often the place of greatest stress. Do you want to provide basic cooking facilities in lodger's own room, or put time limits on the kitchen?
what about visitors? Times? Overnighters? The last can vary from noisy sex to people having a parent or two overnight when they are staying locally. What are you happy to host?
so your lodger has fallen in love. He wants to give his girlfriend a key. Or his GF wants to leave later than he does in the morning, or be in the house when he's not there. How do you feel about this? (I know how I would feel, which is why I'm suggesting early legislation against it).

All these problems, and others, can be solved by thinking them through in advance so that you both know what the boundaries are. Nil desperandum!

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 21:58

PorridgeEater · 16/10/2024 21:34

You are in a difficult situation. I see you said that you wanted to move away from the house where your husband died, but to move away from your friends must make things very difficult. Even more so if you are not working so can't get to know people there (admittedly they might not be compatible).
On top of all this, to deal with a stranger in your house / personal space is perhaps too much - I can see why people have said having a lodger may not be for you, at least for now. It's very brave of you to have a man you do not know. Perhaps get to know people a bit first and try to find someone more compatible - maybe a woman, as has been said
Good luck.

Really kind of you to step in and say that. Thankyou. I do feel a little vulnerable in all honesty and through my grief just shut off and stopped going out and seeing anyone when I was living up north. I'm still a little bit in that head space so it is a challenge to be around someone in my personal space. I'm starting life all over again and think I will get there in time

OP posts:

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 22:03

lodger · 16/10/2024 21:58

Really kind of you to step in and say that. Thankyou. I do feel a little vulnerable in all honesty and through my grief just shut off and stopped going out and seeing anyone when I was living up north. I'm still a little bit in that head space so it is a challenge to be around someone in my personal space. I'm starting life all over again and think I will get there in time

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And just to add, I don't think this lodger is a bad guy at all, in fact I think he's pretty decent from what i can tell. Sorry if that seems contradictory to previous posts. It's just about getting the right balance in the house. My stress levels are pretty high so I'm reacting strongly to stuff which is no doubt disproportionate. I'm probably not good to have lodgers right now but I also think things can be worked on. Nothings set in stone. I may be too reactive right now but that can be worked on x

OP posts:

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 22:10

weirdoboelady · 16/10/2024 21:35

I really disagree with this, far too final. I would rephrase it as 'all you need is a bit more experience in being the landlady of a lodger.' I don't think anyone who has never been a LL or a lodger is likely to get it all right first go. You need to talk and negotiate compromises (or you can set rules in stone in advance for future lodgers). Here are some key points to consider, from someone who has been both

how friendly do you actually want to be? (You might also want to consider how much of a parent you want to be - there are lots of young people and refugees who need life experience and practical advice)
the kitchen is often the place of greatest stress. Do you want to provide basic cooking facilities in lodger's own room, or put time limits on the kitchen?
what about visitors? Times? Overnighters? The last can vary from noisy sex to people having a parent or two overnight when they are staying locally. What are you happy to host?
so your lodger has fallen in love. He wants to give his girlfriend a key. Or his GF wants to leave later than he does in the morning, or be in the house when he's not there. How do you feel about this? (I know how I would feel, which is why I'm suggesting early legislation against it).

All these problems, and others, can be solved by thinking them through in advance so that you both know what the boundaries are. Nil desperandum!

Show quote history

Thankyou! I agree to, things can be worked on. I take onus for perhaps reacting too strongly to a few things. It's an adjustment and I'm working on it. In hindsight I should have set clear boundaries and rules regarding what I'm comfortable with. Difficult to broach these things now he's two weeks in. Appreciate your pointers and its stuff thats going to help going forward. Appreciate it 🙏

OP posts:

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 22:27

He's not foreign. I'm really not sure why he does it tbh. I find it a but odd too. I can hear everything even on the ground floor, he's on top floor of the house and my bedroom is below his so feels weird to be hearing every word of his conversation tbh xx

OP posts:

Oodiks · 16/10/2024 22:28

Sounds like you haven't been clear about your expectations re sharing the kitchen and you need to address that.

Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 22:30

Soxersandbocks · 16/10/2024 18:25

Is he your lodger? I couldn't quite understand..........

Yes he's my lodger x

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Original poster

lodger · 16/10/2024 22:33

RandomUserName96 · 16/10/2024 20:01

No you didn't

You came on here to pick out the advice you want.

I'm sorry for your loss, though I'm not sure it's relevant. But you are clearly not suited to this arrangement.

You don't even have a contract or agreement.

And whilst you consider your lodger a second class citizen and refuse to acknowledge that your house is also their home, I feel you may continue to struggle

Show quote history

I came here to pick out the advice that Is helpful. I dint find some of the comments helpful or in some case particularly kind

OP posts: