issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

In London at least, there’s often no difference between the price a live-in-landlord will charge for a room, and the price of a room in a flatshare with equal housemates.

That’s down to the amount of competition for rooms. And also as a lodger you’ll usually be staying in a property that’s had more spent on it and is better looked after.

Though the lack of freedom may mean the tradeoff isn’t worthwhile, it does suit plenty.

Exact terms very much depend on what is agreed. It's up to the landlord to set these expectations at the outset, not keep moving the goalposts. There isn't some official Lodging template that everyone is expected to know (I'm sure there are suggested ones available). Lodging is not necessarily short term. Some people lodge for years. My family members have had lodgers who have had own bathroom but full access to living areas should they wish. Very much her home for a number of years.

It was a bit of a drip feed that this boils down to you not liking his guest's tone in large part. Perhaps she has misread the situation or he simply hasn't specified. There is no rule that he has to. Perhaps it was a clumsy compliment.

I think you need to take a lot more accountability for the situation unfolding not to your liking the other day. You could have made clear before him moving in that you expect notification/ request when guests visit. You could have been more assertive about using the kitchen. You could have specified that he entertains guests in his rooms. You could have responded 'thank you yes, that's why I decided to rent out part of the house'.

The lodger should be paying the going rate!

It doesn't matter if the op has a massive mortgage or a tiny one. Literally irrelevant and none of anyone's business.

So being a lodger means paying as much as a tenant but constantly walking on eggshells around the owner. It’s about wanting his money but not willing to let him live there comfortably?

Sounds like a horrible arrangement for both parties.

It also means being able to negotiate no notice or very little notice, so much less obligation, pack up and leave in a matter of days sometimes. It means no household bills, very few responsibilities.

Great if you want somewhere to go home to during the wek if you live too far from work to commute.

Not great if you want to socialise with friends, play at Masterchef in the kitchen, watch films sprawled out on a sofa...

Probably that you have to be specific in your contract. Is he a room mate or renting just his room.

Yes it is polite to mention if you're having a guest but he's not required to unless his contract is clear about guests and kitchen privileges. If he'd told you he was bringing someone for tea you still would have had to cook and leave the kitchen. And he'd your lodger not your guest so unless your contract says otherwise he doesn't need your permission.

Also if your only complaint is one night he cooked for a friend and they chatted at the table and sometimes you hear his calls you're doing well sounds a nice chap. If you still aren't happy maybe you'd be better without the lodger

In which case I'd wrote a list of the things that bug you and review them with someone as which are reasonable and where you're being too prickly.

Then talk to the lodger, lay out your expectations and expect they may have stuff to talk through too

It's your house but it's both your home

It means no tenancy rights or obligations for either party.

Tbh if he pays on time, is clean, respects your things and has had one friend by for tea at the table he sounds a great lodger.

I think it is a mistake- not having a contract

Sometimes the root of the problem is simply that a person needs the money so decides to rent out a room, but also resents the lodger being in the house once there. Those are perfectly understandable contrary states. It is a big thing to have a stranger move into your home. I have been a lodger a few times when younger and it is quite hard to be invisible and soundless at all times, but it is not difficult to be polite and considerate. Likewise assuming that having a visitor over for a meal is OK without asking first was a mistake. Phone calls routed through a loudspeaker would annoy me (as I expect it would most people), and it would have been polite not to say politick had the lodger asked if he might have the use of the kitchen to entertain. I would have made sure that the ground rules were clear before letting out a room so that both parties understood that mutual respect and consideration were required for both to have a successful and happy home life. Some lodgers are simply wrong uns, as are some hoseholders. I found renting a room in a family home was easier than doing so with a single resident householder. Others may have has the opposite experience. Not everyone is cut out to have lodgers or to be a lodger. You may have better luck with the next person, or you may do worse.

I think you need very clear ground rules.

Personally, I'd prefer to let to a female but there is always the possibility of any lodger almost taking over the home if they have a strong personality. I have friends in this position.

Is he your lodger? I couldn't quite understand..........

Hi op,

lodgers usually expect general conduct rules to be said or put on wall
It is perfectly fine for you to not want your lodgers to bring guests or have specific requests with regards to the kitchen…but you might find this particular lodger isn’t interested anymore and so you’d have to find someone else.
About the phone calls, I’d tell him. Why didn’t you?

It does sound like you are a peivate person so it might not be something that you are enjoying…to have a lodger. Remember, also, it is a person…not your mortgage payment.

Good luck 🌺

Is there any chance you can put a kitchenette in the lodger's living space or something? Might be easier for you to tolerate a lodger if they had their own kitchen.

I would avoid putting in a kitchen in the room a kettle yeah that’s fine but a kitchen creates almost a separate living space and you might find your lodger ends up with the tenants rights.

Trouble is he is paying to live in your home which then makes it his home too..

But plenty of lodgers don’t regard their lodgings as their home. In fact as a rule it’s best to avoid ones that will, especially if they won’t have many other options.

International students, interns, contractors, can all make for good lodgers. They know it’s not forever and are looking ahead to their next move.

Thanks for your advice. I'm not an insensitive person and just regarding him as a cash cow. I'm concerned about his feelings and am actually feeling anxious that he might be feeling unwelcome. I've made the mistake of not being clear on ground rules to be honest and its paid off badly. Hold my hands up and lessons learnt

We had lodgers for many years, because we had children I always cooked a meal in the evening for everybody so didn't have them using the kitchen other than for snacks.
I made it clear that I didn't want them bringing back boy/girl-friends - though long term lodgers did ask sometimes for the odd night. They did bring friends back but we had two living rooms so that wasn't a problem, and it didn't happen often
It sounds as though @lodger's got a lodger who thinks it's a flatshare, which it isn't.

I had this problem once. In my eyes he was my lodger in my house. In his eyes it was a house share. Because I think lodger is an old concept and he was young enough to be my son. There's a big difference. So I understand OP. I remember once my lodger, we’ll call him Adam, invited a few of his friends round for a dinner party, one Saturday night. I found it very strange. In my house, in my kitchen, without a by your leave. He hadn’t asked either. I’ve not had a lodger since though at the time I really needed the money to get by. Circumstances change. And expectations must. I don’t think the concept of lodgers and landladies really exists anymore.
He had everything in his room. Had a shelf in kitchen cupboard and fridge etc etc. I didn’t expect him to entertain in the shared part of house though, certainly not to assume he could.

The phone conversation on loudspeaker would piss me off. What is the reason he does this?

Is he foreign?

Why have you taken on a lodger? Companionship or financial reasons?
I think if you take on a lodger you have to accept this is their home too and as always living with people who don’t know can be annoying. Have a chat with him about guests etc and then see how it goes.

I am taking accountability believe me. I'm well aware that I didn't get it right and should have been clearer from the start and that I didn't handle the situation in the best way either.

As someone who actually had lodgers for almost a decade…

my excellent and free advice

accept it will be awkward but give notice, get rid of him and start again.

If you don’t you will regret it.

for the next lodger screen much more carefully and be a lot clearer from the off. Take learnings from this one…

your “offering” is very good and a lot of people would jump at a separate lounge so it’s a case of finding your “good match”