I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

I had twins (my first and only) a week before my 43rd birthday but needed IVF to achieve it. There were no apparent reasons for our infertility other than 'age related'. DH (also his only children) and I have loved every second and haven't felt too old even with teenagers. Saddest thing is that by 15 they had lost all their grandparents.

How did your children feel about it?

Yep, definitely too old. Think of the baby and higher likelihood of terrible suffering.

I hope your new guy is ok. People who have been in abusive relationships need to look internally to see why they chose their abuser. I hope you put that work in. Your description of him sounds overly perfect.

Just be aware that you should see things from a lense of reality and not a fantasy.. Babies come with strings and attachments to people. Men change when you’re trapped.

People have such different experiences. I only have one friend who had their babies before 36. In fact, around 37/38 seems to be the starting point for first babies in my social/family group.

Why don't you try for a year or so and see?
If it happens it happens, if it doesn't you tried. It wasn't meant to be.
From your post I get the impression you're more yes than no. Therefore it may be worse if you didn't try and then regretted it.

No you're not at all.

Fuck that for a game of charades.

Yes, you're definitely north of old, but loads will post that they didn't even start their families until age 47 or something ridiculous, trying to make out like it's really normal.

Thank you 🙏 OPs descriptor sounds too good to be true, and now pressure to get pregnant.

Just consider all these things OP 💖

Lordy... Why do so many people do this?

Focus on your existing children who have already suffered at the hands of the adults in their life.

They have a shitty father, a new man living with them, they need to be your priority not a new baby.

Focus on the 13yo who is having issues imo.

Chronologically you’re not too old. You just have more pressing priorities, surely.

Its all subjective. People age (mentally and physically) at different rates. I'm older than you and I could cope with a new baby but I have friends a lot younger who could not contemplate it.

Just try, its in the lap of the Gods and you will only regret it, if you do not.

You say your partner is younger so it will not be too big an issue you being an older mum as long as he is around - thinking here that you will be at least 60 before your child leaves the 5th form.

One last thing - only do this if you REALLY want to do this, don't do it to appease the man in your life - it needs to be a joint decision.

I don't think you're too old (other than the usual risks of being an older mum) and there's no reason why you couldn't at least try, if it's what you both truly want. However, you wrote "He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me" so are you sure he wants them now? I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and think hard about whether a new baby could place strains on your relationship which sounds so great and you've waited a long time for. Just be sure before you start trying. 😊

Because in most cases, that's what happens. There are way too many threads on MN saying the equivalent of 'he wanted me to have his baby now I'm stuck at home doing all the night feeds, nappy changes, cleaning etc while he swans off with his mates'

There comes a cut off point where it is just selfish and I think you are at this point! You need to think about the child, when they are due to start school, you would be nearly 50 and starting to hit the menopause. When they are due to leave school you will be hitting 60!! My friend growing up had older parents and hated it as they were so out of touch with everything. Enjoy the life you have and don't do it.

He sounds completely ambivalent about having kids, you don't have to have children with every partner. Once again parents dating childless men and then insisting on making them fathers because they feel guilt they're "missing out" or worried they'll go have kids with someone else or something.

Everyone is different if you feel your body is up to going through another pregnancy and labour then go for it. A friend of mine had her youngest at 43 and has 2 teenage children. Her older children absolutely dote on her she gets lot's of attention.

I'm interested to know, was he with you from newborn? I would love to adopt one day but I'll be in my 40s, at least! I assumed from that age you'd only get school aged children placed with you?

I'd be concerned about potential disabilities in a child with older parents.

Statistically it's much more likely.

The bloke might bugger off as so many do with a disabled child, leaving you as a single parent all over again.

The massive rise in mental health conditions in children has been linked to older parents {older mothers as well as older fathers}

Autism especially.

If it takes time to fall pregnant and it all goes to plan (and as others have pointed out, risks are higher in the 40s), you could be 45 or 46 when giving birth.

The one disadvantage I found for myself as an older mum is my support network is low. We fully rely on daycare, there is no village helping us.

Good luck if you do go down baby road!

Chuck that coil away and let the answer be in the hands of fate!

You are not too old if your body decides you aren’t and gives you a baby.

I think that is partly or even mainly because autism can be hereditary and autistic people are statistically older when they have children….

Having a baby with a new man when you have a young teen and tween doesn’t sound ideal tbh.

If he’s so keen on kids and would be such a fab dad why doesn’t he focus on your existing children? If he’s not interested unless they are biologically his then he’s not all that great tbh.

Yes because it's harder to make a good living these days at a better age to start having children, and women are establishing careers which takes time but I still don't think it's a good thing biologically. Not the women's faults, just how society is set up but it's still not as healthy for the child as having them younger.