I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

Like Firefly1987 said it sounds like he doesn't really care about having a child but you do. I think you should explore that a bit.

This. Why not try you never know. My granny in 1931 had my dad at 50.

I'd say it was a bit too old. But go for it if you want to.

Why is 44 too old?! It's fine.

I don't think you are too old OP. I had my youngest at 41.

Obviously there are a lot of things to think about in terms of whether you'd want to start over, still have a child at home at 60, what the effect might be on your other children.

For me, I would draw some pretty clear lines around how far I'd be willing to take things. I think it's much better to consider such things ahead of time rather than in the trenches so to speak. For me, I wouldn't be willing to have interventions, if nature thought I was too old I'd leave it at that. And I might say, I'll try for a year, but after that I'd want to stop. Whether I'd be willing to have extra testing. Just as an example.

How long have you been together? If still early days, it's a risk. People and relationships change after a DC. If things don't work out, are you prepared to be a single mother for many more years, and of 3 beforehand?
If your relationship is great, and he'd rather have you, so it's not a deal breaker. I'd consider if before you met him, did you feel done with DC's and happy with the 2 you had? How much of your desire for another DC is about being loved up with your DP?

So you have an approx 13 to 14 yo and a (guess) 10 yo.

think of your two children first and how much of your energy and attention will be soaked up with a new baby, as you move into your late 40s and into your 50s.

Their needs should be paramount, but you haven't mentioned their needs once,

you need to put your rational head on with a decision as big as bringing a baby into the world, and think about it from your children's perspective. You owe it to them before you owe anything to a new bloke.

Because evolutionarily men want babies after their own image, this new man will never feel for the OPs existing children (by another man) the way they would feel for a baby they've created. It doesn't make them bad people, it's hardwire into humans for survival. It's down to the adults to make the right decisions because the children don't get to choose but they have to live with the consequences.

Neither you nor the planet needs more kids. Leave it. Enjoy your lovely new partner and I wish you all the best.

I had my youngest at 44. They're at University now. I still feel so blessed.

I wouldn't. I'd be too worried to lose the relationship.
He is 7 years younger. He actually hasn't a clue whether he'll enjoy parenthood - it's rather experimental. He might end up a part-time dad of one, whilst OP a single mum of three. The stakes are not the same.

If you feel well and are in a good place in your life, I'd say go for it. You could always have a chat to your doctor and get a check up first if you wanted to.. to talk through and risks

Talk it through together, if you want to have another child and he would like to have kids with you I dont really see where the problem is. What either of you would want is for him to feel like he gave up the chance of having children with you later down line and you regretting not doing it when you could have.

What about adoptive fathers?

We adopted our daughter when I was 44, she was one year old. Has been totally fine!

It'd be too old for me. Having my second and last (all being well) at 35 and I am definitely done! Honestly, I miss my husband and can't wait to have quality time with him again in the next few years without constantly being exhausted from spinning plates. Babies and toddlers are such hard work and I'm sure it won't get much easier when they're both out of the toddler stage.

But if it's something you both truly want... Don't delay.

You would be playing Russian roulette with the possibility of having a child with disabilities or special needs. Which would not be the end of the world and might not even happen, but if it did, are you completely confident that your new partner would stick around to help raise the child`?

Only you can decide. Weight up the pros and cons, you've done all the wakeful nights, nappies, childhood illnesses, would you mind doing it again? It's also important that you are well and have a fairly youthful outlook. If the answer to both is 'yes', there's no reason why not - but do it soon! There's no time to waste. That baby will be so, so loved.

It’s great that it worked out for you. However, in a situation, where there is trauma involved, the most likely outcome is that having another child will traumatise her children further and could send them completely off the rails. Any baby would be a toddler at most when op’s dd is sitting GCSEs. This does not sound like a good combination.

The reason not to is that there are two teenagers involved. It's not just about OP and her partner.

It's not too old if you are fit and well and you both want a baby.

I would imagine if you had your kids when you were in your early 20s and you're granny by the time you're 40 then I guess you'd think it was too old.

But it's not our choice to make.

Have you actually talked to him about the practicalities of having a baby though? will he step up and get up at night, what happens if you get PND, what happens if your teens dont handle it well, what if your baby has disabilities because the risk is higher the older you are.

It sounds somewhat impulsive (and easy) for him to say get your coil removed and let's see what happens!! - thats not really considering all these other factors is it? If I was having a baby at that age I would want more than an expression like that. I would want confirmation and affirmation that he is going to help me and that he can handle any potential challenges,, that he recognises the work and exhaustion involved and that he has thought this through properly. If you haven't talked it through and considered all those things then I think you need to be very very wary, personally. A man who has never had kids has literally no idea how much work there is involved and no matter how happy you are now, it will put a strain on your relationship- it does for everyone, regardless of how much in love you are.

It was an overseas adoption as domestic adoption is very rare in Ireland. He was 8 months.

Is it the best thing for your current children? This is the most important question

The second most important is are you financially independent if it turns out he can't cope with being a step dad AND dad to a newborn?

I dont think my main concern would be your age, 44 doesn't seem to old. It would be more important to make the right decision for the children I already had. I'd want to know I was still able to fully support them both emotionally and financially. I think only you know the impact it would have on you and them.