I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

Unfortunately fertility has nothing to do with having regular periods. It’s highly unlikely you’ll get pregnant at 44.

I wouldn’t at that age, but if you want to then try.

You are old, let's face it.
I would not do it if I were you.

I had one of these too-well, a great-great aunt. 47 when she had her last baby. She also ran a football team!

I don't think you're too olde OP. If you want a baby and your healthy, go for it. Maybe without pressure, just remove your coil and see what happens. As others have said, any difficulties could cause issues.

I think it’s too old but if you really want a baby then go for it.

I wouldn’t, on the basis that your children who went through your abusive marriage with you every step of the way, deserve to have the time that they had stolen from them repaid with your attention and seeing you happy , not whittled away again by a new baby on the scene.

Failed science did you? At this age regular periods and fertility are linked. Most women who get pregnant over 44 and give birth to a live baby do so naturally. Also the birth rates for women over 45 is rising.

It's not that you're too old, you aren't. But you have been through so much, and finally reached a very happy safe place, why would you want to essentially turn it upside down with a baby? Even the best babies are hard work. And your children have peace and your attention after what sounds like a rough few years, if it were me I would focus on them, and on your own happiness. Only you can decide though.

I'd do some soul searching first, and have a frank conversation with your partner, about a few things;

• If you don't conceive, will you try IVF? How much would you be willing to spend?

• How long would you want to try for, before giving up or trying fertility treatment?

• If you have complications in pregnancy / postnatally, is he able to support you and your existing children?

• What you would do if the baby was screened and found to have a disability?

• What if the child was born autistic?

Probably there are other things too, that I haven't thought of. If you're on the same page, then I don't think it's too old. But I do think you need to have looked at it from all angles before you make a decision, and be informed.

Failed statistics did you?

I would recommend going to your gp straight away. Tell him you have been trying for 1+ years and get your tests done. In the meantime, get vitamins and ovulation strips and track your cycle as well. Age is a big factor, and it isn't easy to get pregnant after 37 for a lot of people. Fertility declines rapidly in your late 30s, unfortunately. Some people are very lucky and manage to get pregnant. I've been trying since January unsuccessfully. You won't know until you try.

I wish you good luck.

Wow, that's rude.

I know people that had a child mid forties and all is fine with them, BUT it was their first ( and only)

I have a 10 year gap between mine with my first in my early 20s and second early 30s and boy did I ( well still do) feel it, but more so now I am 49 with a 16 year old, because I still have to “parent” and the whole gcse, parents evenings, uniform buying, general teenage mularky, etc, I simply don’t have the patience for it anymore like I did with my first son, 10 years ago 😂 but what can I do, I just have to plod on for a few more years.

Plus I am always tried with this damn pesky perimenopause crap, and I’m always tired because if it’s not night sweats waking me it’s the fact I simply can’t sleep. To have all this going on ( and mine isn’t even that bad compared to some) and caring for a toddler/5 year old is crazy to me.

That said I think if you feel like you can handle it, In good health in general and partner is super supportive I say you should consider it ☺️

You’re 44. You’re still ovulating and you have a desire for a baby.
You. Are. Not. Too. Old
I, however, am 41, perimenopausal, only one ovary left and it rarely ovulates anymore, grown up kids, NO desire for a baby whatsoever (I’d rather have more cats 🤣) therefore, even though I’m 3 years younger, I am too old 🤣

I wouldn’t, however we made the conscious decision to have any children before we were 35, that was our cut off. We didn’t want to be older parents. As someone upthread said your children have already been through a lot as have you, I’d enjoy what you have.

53?! Do you mean 43 and it’s a typo?

On one hand I know two women who had unplanned babies at 45. And a 44 yr old lady bought a bit of baby equipment off me for her young baby.

So it's possible for some people (not sure if the buying lady had had fertility treatment or not).

Also him being 7 years younger is in your favour. .

On the other hand, fertility seems to cliff dive for many women after 42.

You mention regular periods but that's not the main factor; it's the egg quality & viability. Periods will happen whether the egg that didn't get fertilised was viable or not.

Your risk of abnormalities is climbing relatively steeply.

That could result in miscarriages. Which are a obviously not a pleasant thing to endure. Or it could result in a fetus with abnormalities.

To be very honest, your best bet would be donor eggs with your partner's sperm. That is obviously expensive, you'd have to go through the rigours of IVF and your child would not be related to you biologically.

You can certainly just try naturally - ubiquinol is recommended.

I would use trackers and make sure you're having sex at the right time. Though nature often does that for you.

I'm not going to comment on the pros and cons re. your existing children.

I also wouldn't. You have kids, he's happy to not. I would focus on counting your blessings and enjoying your life as it is.

your friend has had IVF with donor eggs and is not telling you.
That, or she is an off the scale medical anomaly.
I hope she tells the children the truth.

Isn’t it just? I never understand some of the really rude nasty replies on these boards.

You do get outliers who have babies in their 50s ..... They are extreme outliers, but they exist. I think the oldest recorded natural pregnancy is around 60.

My sister's running club buddy fell pregnant unplanned at 48 and had the baby.

I had a surprise pregnancy at 43 and while my husband was shocked at first, thinking our family was already complete, we were so excited and now have an absolutely amazing child that we could not live without. It was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

Yes, you’re definitely too old.

That or she's in the lucky under one percentile