I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

I think this is very sensible. You need to be able to consider these with your head, not your heart.

It's easy to get carried away with excitement but the practicalities are something that must be considered. I would also consider your kids who have been through your ex abusive relationship and what their needs might be too now. If your time and attention is taken up with a newborn, how will it affect them?

That doesnt mean it should be a no but you would be very foolish not to consider the above, very carefully.

Your not too old at all. But I'm still ovulating with 28 cycle. I'm 50 and pretty sure that although I'm definitely ovulating like clockwork, I couldn't have another baby. So just preceed with the knowledge that your eggs also 44 and it might not all fall into place. But of course it might.

No one knows.

You may still have heathy eggs or you may not.

Go to a fertility doctor asap. Get tested. Find out. Then make decisions

Personally I wouldn’t, I think it’s too old.

im 48 , relatively fit and active and I couldn’t imagine running about after a 3 or 4 year old. My children are in their 20s, both independent which leaves dh and I time for holidays, breaks away and days out without having to plan babysitters etc.

Had my DTs at 44 - just didn't meet the right man earlier. Best thing I ever did - they are now 16 and while I had a great life before, I always knew I wanted kids and am so lucky to be a Mum. Obviously you have DCs already but it might be lovely to do it with your new DP......

My DCs have had occasional jokes about me being older than xx friend's granny, and are of course aware that their friends now usually have much younger family members. But it's never been an issue. Luckily DH (55) and I (60) are in good health and very active, but none of us know when we might get run over by a bus!

DCs are also aware that we have a great lifestyle - biggish house all paid for, me being able to be a SAHM when they were young, nice holidays, land and horses to ride etc, all due to us working and not having children until later in life. I am now getting my work pension and also have a small part time job, DH is about to leave work, so we have time that many families don't have to spend with their children, so there are definitely pros and cons.

But if you want to - I'd say definitely go for it!! Good luck!

At 44 I wanted to have a baby, I didnt feel 'too old' at all, but at 55, I'm glad it didn't happen. Just the thought of a child starting senior school & then the teen years/uni etc. I do NOT have the energy to give them all they'd have needed from me, but I didn't think I'd feel like this at 55, when I was 44, I was full of life!!

tough call.

Lots to consider before trying OP. For £ security you may want your partner to marry you and demonstrate commitment that way before you even go down this route. Get tested, what is your egg quality? Dexa scan, what is your bone health? A pregnancy may not be viable, a live birth may have profound disabilities. Are you both ready for any of these possibilities- would you ultimately have ivf and for how long? Your DCs undoubtedly suffered in the violence their dad inflicted around the home, I think you should consider their reaction to the idea of a half sibling. When it gets tough do you think I you’ll be left holding the baby? This all sounds negative but the risks of problems do increase with age, not fair but true. Good luck with whatever you decide

Also - now at 60 I can't imagine running around after two demanding toddlers (one with SEN). But I did it very easily in my mid 40s.

OP, I had DD2 at 43, and a decade on, it's all wonderful.

In my social circle, having babies in late 30's/early 40's is absolutely normal. Most of the women I know of that age are fit, strong, capable and in a place in their lives where they can prioritize being the parent they want to be.

There is great advice on this thread from both sides.

I personally would not at 44,I would focus on what appears to be a loving relationship and just enjoy it all..as a couple you can share many many more experiences.you have children and I am sure they are pleased you are now in a loving relationship so enjoy what ye both have as a family unit…

Give it a try, you will regret it forever if you don't. My best friend had her 2nd child at 45 (first at 40), best thing she ever did. But don't dally, try now.

I would just make sure you’ve really thought about the realities of a 44 year old trying for a baby. Less chance of falling pregnant, higher risk of loss throughout pregnancy and higher risk of complications. It might take a year or two to fall pregnant and then if it goes wrong, add another few months to that to start again. You might not be successful again and that will be really hard to cope with. It will impact on your relationship. Sorry to sound so negative but it’s reality the older you get and definitely needs consideration. Then again, you might be really lucky and have a successful pregnancy first try. The point is it’s impossible to know how it will go so be prepared for the worst. I wish you luck if you decide to go for it

Bit depressed about the replies here. 2nd child at 45 - naturally conceived, easy pregnancy and birth, now 18. An absolute joy, not traumatised or permanently scarred by having a geriatric parent as far as I know. I was not exhausted, not yet using an zimmer frame and menopause passed me by unnoticed, as it does many women in my experience. Brought and continues to bring happiness and joy to our relationship.

He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I'd believe him. If you do have a baby, you'll be doing all the work. Have you considered the impact on your relationship, and of course on your existing DC?

I wouldn't do it.

How long have you been together? I can't see that mentioned anywhere.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo Why would she be doing all the work?

Yeah but at that age the eggs are in bad shape, I think having children at a later age is selfish for the children even if it can be done, I'd go as far as to say over 36 is pushing it and women only do it trying to chase having everything at the cost of the children. I think the same for men too if that makes it better. Especially with mental illnesses/conditions being diagnosed so often in children, I wouldn't be surprised if it's somehow linked with being older parents.

Your relationship sounds happy, supportive and just what you needed.

Children are VERY hard on even the best relationships let’s be honest. Having a baby in your mid 40s is even harder work than in your 20s or 30s

I guess I think you deserve to be happy and why risk losing that or putting pressure on it when the person who really wants kids (you) already has them. Feeling that a man would make a good father doesn’t make it compulsive to make him one.

My advice would be to do something for just you for once and enjoy your life without the stress, exhaustion and financial pressure of a new baby. Just sit back and enjoy being in a decent relationship.

You're not too old physically, but you should heed the cautionary advice you've had on here about the practicalities of being an older mum:

More potential for a birth defects
Energy levels on your 40's are lower and you may struggle to cope with a baby and a job, as well as your older kids
Does your DH really want a baby, rather than it being a nice idea
Will your older kids be happy?

I don’t have any issues with older mothers (I’m one myself!), so no I don’t think 44 is too old - obviously with the caveat that you are in good health for your age and make sensible provision for your children (in terms of life insurance/who would look after the kids just in case).

My only hesitation would be your daughters - they are still reasonably young and sound like they have been through a lot of upheaval too with possibly witnessing some of the abuse from their father and certainly the split and change in their living arrangements and now your new relationship.

The teenage years are a tricky time too and I’m guessing they still need/want lot of your attention (emotionally at least) and babies are so much work and stress - for all the joys they might bring to parents. I wonder how your daughters would feel about a new half sibling? That would be the question that would make me think hard - not your age.

I hate to be that poster, but ypu posted a few months ago about severe issues you are having with your 13 year old. Do you think throwing another baby in is a good idea?

How would you feel if the baby wasn’t totally healthy? The odds increase as you get older. I think this is what you really need to consider.

A puppy is for life, not just for Christmas. Ie. Is it just a romantic idea of his?

If he really really wanted kids he would have them. I don't think you should have another (or try) just because he thinks he might quite like a kid. It's a huge toll on your body and your life.