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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am too old, aren’t it?

308 replies

OrangeKettle · 14/10/2024 21:51

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

OP posts:
teenmaw · 14/10/2024 22:12

For me personally, now my kids are teens I'm enjoying finding my own fun again, also post EA marriage...it would not be for me, starting all that again but then I've not met anyone else and my life is going down a different path. Do I think objectively you're too old? No, but subjectively I'd be running a mile from the idea. If you want that for you though then go for it!

Birdscratch · 14/10/2024 22:13

Why not get checked out. You won’t know for sure unless you do.

felissamy · 14/10/2024 22:13

Not too old. I did it. Am very happy. See if it works.

TookTheBook · 14/10/2024 22:15

Really in your heart of hearts you think this would be a good thing for your existing children? Poor kids.

Julen7 · 14/10/2024 22:15

Not too old but realistically at 44 your chances of conceiving naturally are slim

Sailonsilverrgirl · 14/10/2024 22:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Pandasnacks · 14/10/2024 22:16

The chances of success are slim, but if you want to remove the coil and try then why not? Just don't delay it

toomanyjobsforonewoman · 14/10/2024 22:17

NO go for it ! And congrats on having got out of such an abusive relationship into a nice one . Sounds like you both deserve every happiness OP

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/10/2024 22:19

TookTheBook · 14/10/2024 22:15

Really in your heart of hearts you think this would be a good thing for your existing children? Poor kids.

This in spades.

Physically you may be fine. But your older kids would probably prefer to have their mum help them navigate adolescence, choose their exam subjects, visit colleges and unis, do fun things on holiday, have days out. Not pushing a pram and changing nappies. And FWIW haven’t they been mucked about enough.

Noseybookworm · 14/10/2024 22:22

You're not too old - my friend had a baby at 45, she's a wonderful mother and he's a lovely happy well adjusted little boy. Her 4 older children are great with him. She says having him keeps her young! I wouldn't rule it out but only try if you really want a baby with your partner, don't just do it for him.

bumblefeline · 14/10/2024 22:24

Not for me I had mine in my 20s. But if you want to try with your new man get cracking asap. No one knows what the future holds.

Ozanj · 14/10/2024 22:24

Your age doesn’t matter much (provided you are healthy) as he’s under 40 and you have adult kids who could provide help and support when you get older. If you want a 2nd do it now. Don’t wait.

user1471556818 · 14/10/2024 22:24

TheNeverEndingOver · 14/10/2024 21:53

nah, not too old at all!

Better to try than wonder what if ?
.Good luck

BeautyPageantDropout · 14/10/2024 22:24

You sound like you're in a good place in your life, after a shitty time of it. I'd be very reluctant to throw a baby sized spanner in the works.

Highfivemum · 14/10/2024 22:25

I had another little one earlier this year and I was 45. They keep me young to be honest. Only issue I see is I have quite a few children and all close in ages. You will have a big age gap so little one would grow up as an only child. Not that that is an issue but it is a consideration.

babyproblems · 14/10/2024 22:27

I thought you were going to say you were 60!!!! 44 is not too old. My mum had my brother at 44! Go for it op. X

Timelash · 14/10/2024 22:27

I’d give it a try, what have you got to lose really? If you both want one, have a go.

HappyDane · 14/10/2024 22:27

Sorry I somehow missed the ages of your children! Thought they were a bit older.

Honestly, I'd caution you to think carefully. Mostly for the sake of your existing children, who are coming up to probably some of the hardest years they will ever experience. Life is not easy for teenagers and young adults right now and they will likely really, really need your help and support. I'm not sure it's fair to be busy with another baby/young child and potentially too exhausted to be properly present for the older ones.

Just the other side of the coin.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 14/10/2024 22:27

Yes, the age is a definite factor. However, I'd be more concerned about the children who have already been passengers in your abusive marriage, and you want to rock their world... again? It's not within their best interests. They need stability and your undivided attention. Not throwing another grenade in their lives.

LaineyCee · 14/10/2024 22:27

Certainly not too old! If my own mother had thought that was too old for kids, I wouldn’t be here.

Justgorgeous · 14/10/2024 22:28

Go for it ! (Now) you won’t regret it.

creamandcookies2 · 14/10/2024 22:28

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/10/2024 22:19

This in spades.

Physically you may be fine. But your older kids would probably prefer to have their mum help them navigate adolescence, choose their exam subjects, visit colleges and unis, do fun things on holiday, have days out. Not pushing a pram and changing nappies. And FWIW haven’t they been mucked about enough.

Show quote history

There is more to OPs situation but I see these comments on mumsnet time and time again saying how unfair it it's on the older children for a woman to have a baby later in life. My mum had a baby at 44. We doted on him, changed hid Nappies, bathed him and pushed the pram for my mum! No jealousy at all.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 14/10/2024 22:29

Personally I think it’s too old, but we all have different opinions and tolerances.
im late 40’s now and looking forward to finishing Uni payments in the next few years. I wouldn’t want that financial commitment in my 60’s and I think I would be way too tired to parent teens.

AhBiscuits · 14/10/2024 22:30

I think it's too old.
The chance of having a child with additional needs is very high at your age, which will take even more attention away from your existing children.

FergusSingsTheBIues · 14/10/2024 22:30

It’s not the age you have the baby…. It’s how you get through the following years…. Massively disruptive for you other kids.

The one person I know who did this ended up a single parent of three kids and had to juggle two sets of dads, in-laws, parenting maintenance etc. it’s a nightmare and I feel for her. Don’t ruin a good thing - be grateful for what you have now.